Well, it's a bit anti-climatic, but this appears to be my last blog entry. Our/our 3-month contact is official over after today - in just a little bit actually as it's getting near midnight as i write
i haven't heard from S. in a little more than a week, and i believe that she is either still traveling or more likely in transit back to the States. i'm working in Germany at the moment and won't be back to the States myself for another week.
i masturbated for the required 15 minutes this morning, and yes i am still stuck on having my face buried in S.' pussy. The day since was been a whirlwind of international negotiations that totally occupied me. Tonight i will masturbate again for 15 minutes - but won't cum since i no longer have Her permission.
i don't know what comes next (though, of course, i do have my fantasies), but i do know that i had some of the best times of my life over the last 3 months, all courtesy S. Looking back, it all seems a little unreal, but the memories are so incredibly satisfying. A Jesus-take-me-now feeling if there ever was one.
i am so very grateful to S. Thank You from all of my heart.
Love,
h
the last hurrah
i wanked this morning for the specified 15 minutes. It may be repetitive, but my fantasies centered on serving S., serving Her pussy to be exact.
Tonight i plan on using my very last free pass. i suspect that once i do, life under the contract will be bit odd. It will be very short (only one day left) but completely without any discretion of my own, as i will be completely out of options and so strictly forbidden from cumming.
But for the moment, i have only tunnel vision, and that vision is focused solely on cumming tonight!
Tonight i plan on using my very last free pass. i suspect that once i do, life under the contract will be bit odd. It will be very short (only one day left) but completely without any discretion of my own, as i will be completely out of options and so strictly forbidden from cumming.
But for the moment, i have only tunnel vision, and that vision is focused solely on cumming tonight!
3 down, 1 to go.
Another day, and (for a change!) another orgasm. i used up my 3rd free pass last night, and it was nothing short of glorious. This morning i woke up, masturbated for the required 15 minutes and set off on my way with a big smile plastered on my face.
i only have one free pass left and three days to get through. i suspect that will save it for the day after tomorrow. i still have two free passes to use Her cock with another woman, but sadly it looks like those passes will expire without being used at all.
Masturbating this morning was wonderful - visions of being buried in S.' pussy playing out in my head. What a way to start the day!
i only have one free pass left and three days to get through. i suspect that will save it for the day after tomorrow. i still have two free passes to use Her cock with another woman, but sadly it looks like those passes will expire without being used at all.
Masturbating this morning was wonderful - visions of being buried in S.' pussy playing out in my head. What a way to start the day!
snatching defeat from the jaws of victory
Much to my surprise i was able to complete my masturbation assignment on the plane last night.
But it didn't look so good at first. Once i got on board i found that there was no way i could wank in my seat, even under the covers, as i had two seat mates in my row. There was also a long line at the bathrooms near my seat, but much to my surprise the bathrooms at the back of the plane were half-vacant. So in i went, and started to wank. i stopped masturbating a couple of times and left the bathroom in case someone needed to use it (since i knew She would not want me inconveniencing other passengers), but both times there was no one waiting and after hanging out for minute i went back in.
Masturbating in the airplane bathroom with my pants down at my knees and my ass up against the cold steel counter was yet another perfect moment in my submission to Her.
However, and i hate to write this, the next morning i failed to wank! i maybe could have wanked on the plane. i could certainly have found a stall at the train station after i landed. But in the hurry to get to my final destination, my assignment slipped from my mind. By the time i realized it, there was no way to get the assignment done without being late for my meeting in Bonn. And i knew that She would not be pleased if i let that happen.
i am a bit mad at myself. i had come so close to being perfect for the length of the contract, and there was no good reason for failing. Argh!!!!
But it didn't look so good at first. Once i got on board i found that there was no way i could wank in my seat, even under the covers, as i had two seat mates in my row. There was also a long line at the bathrooms near my seat, but much to my surprise the bathrooms at the back of the plane were half-vacant. So in i went, and started to wank. i stopped masturbating a couple of times and left the bathroom in case someone needed to use it (since i knew She would not want me inconveniencing other passengers), but both times there was no one waiting and after hanging out for minute i went back in.
Masturbating in the airplane bathroom with my pants down at my knees and my ass up against the cold steel counter was yet another perfect moment in my submission to Her.
However, and i hate to write this, the next morning i failed to wank! i maybe could have wanked on the plane. i could certainly have found a stall at the train station after i landed. But in the hurry to get to my final destination, my assignment slipped from my mind. By the time i realized it, there was no way to get the assignment done without being late for my meeting in Bonn. And i knew that She would not be pleased if i let that happen.
i am a bit mad at myself. i had come so close to being perfect for the length of the contract, and there was no good reason for failing. Argh!!!!
another day, another dilemna
After cumming on wednesday, i now have only two free passes left to get through to the end of the contract, a stretch that is getting harder by the minute.
but i also still get to wank twice a day (without cumming, of courese), once in the evening and once in the morning. In fact i am supposed to wank twice a day, it's not optional.
i masturbated this morning, but as i sit at the airport here in San Francisco it's 2 PM, and i realize that by the time i land in Germany, it will already be morning. So, in order to obey the rule set down by S., i will have to wank on the plane. my mind is whirring. Could i do it in my seat? Will i have to go to the bathroom? Can i occupy a bathroom for 15 minutes?
What will the stewards think?
Oh, the life of a masturbation slut!
but i also still get to wank twice a day (without cumming, of courese), once in the evening and once in the morning. In fact i am supposed to wank twice a day, it's not optional.
i masturbated this morning, but as i sit at the airport here in San Francisco it's 2 PM, and i realize that by the time i land in Germany, it will already be morning. So, in order to obey the rule set down by S., i will have to wank on the plane. my mind is whirring. Could i do it in my seat? Will i have to go to the bathroom? Can i occupy a bathroom for 15 minutes?
What will the stewards think?
Oh, the life of a masturbation slut!
more looney tunes
It seems a bit repetitive to record the beginning part of this post, since i've journaled this same experience many times before. But it is what it is.
Masturbating this morning was yet another slice of heaven. It is nothing less than rapture to masturbate while under the control of S. i have never enjoyed masturbating this much in my entire life, and i doubt i ever will again.
While masturbating, i began fantasizing by thinking back to Wednesday's meeting with G.
i remembered one moment when she teased me, saying that she wished she had S.' flogger to beat me with. That started me on to fantasizing about being flogged by S. And that's when a strange thing happened.
i started thinking about S.' desire to hurt me, and i started getting incredibly turned on. i had to immediately stop wanking to keep from cumming. i was so hot that i had to wait a good bit before starting up again.
Never before have i been excited at the prospect of being beaten. And yet here i was, delirious with desire at the prospect of being flogged by S. And that's when it struck me. It wasn't the prospect of the pain that was so attractive (and having been flogged before, i know what it's like). It was the prospect of being a way for S. to act out Her desire to inflict pain that was so powerful.
i have been beaten by others, but never by someone who loves me. And being that i am in love with S., the prospect of being beaten by Her fills my heart with joy.
(did i mention that i am crazy?)
Masturbating this morning was yet another slice of heaven. It is nothing less than rapture to masturbate while under the control of S. i have never enjoyed masturbating this much in my entire life, and i doubt i ever will again.
While masturbating, i began fantasizing by thinking back to Wednesday's meeting with G.
i remembered one moment when she teased me, saying that she wished she had S.' flogger to beat me with. That started me on to fantasizing about being flogged by S. And that's when a strange thing happened.
i started thinking about S.' desire to hurt me, and i started getting incredibly turned on. i had to immediately stop wanking to keep from cumming. i was so hot that i had to wait a good bit before starting up again.
Never before have i been excited at the prospect of being beaten. And yet here i was, delirious with desire at the prospect of being flogged by S. And that's when it struck me. It wasn't the prospect of the pain that was so attractive (and having been flogged before, i know what it's like). It was the prospect of being a way for S. to act out Her desire to inflict pain that was so powerful.
i have been beaten by others, but never by someone who loves me. And being that i am in love with S., the prospect of being beaten by Her fills my heart with joy.
(did i mention that i am crazy?)
marathon man
after jerking off last night, i finally felt some relief. However, this morning, after wanking without cumming, i was back on the tension track.
The wanking itself was sublime. if only i could stay in that moment forever!
my trial of denial is feeling more like a grueling marathon, one that i am slowly grinding out till the end. the surges of eroticism that used to color my denial and fuel my spirit are far fewer and much milder.
my twice daily masturbation sessions are the two bright spots in my day - and they are amazing [often too amazing, as i still have to constantly stop wanking to keep from cumming!]. Being under the domination of S. is exactly where i want to be.
i'm not quite sure what is behind this shift. it could be that the burden gets heavier when the end is in sight. but when i imagine how i might manage if there were no expectation of relief in sight i quite panic.
It could be that the trial of frustration is dry and unsustaining when marked only by Her absence. but Her absence was even more absolute on her last trip, and the denial of that period was alternated by moments of near rapture even when not masturbating.
It could be that the length of the entire ordeal has finally touched upon the limit of my strength, and now i am weakening.
Perhaps it is all these things.
In any event, i do know with absolute certainty that i would not have it any other way. i am very proud of how i have responded to Her gift of domination. i feel as if i am in a state of grace.
The wanking itself was sublime. if only i could stay in that moment forever!
my trial of denial is feeling more like a grueling marathon, one that i am slowly grinding out till the end. the surges of eroticism that used to color my denial and fuel my spirit are far fewer and much milder.
my twice daily masturbation sessions are the two bright spots in my day - and they are amazing [often too amazing, as i still have to constantly stop wanking to keep from cumming!]. Being under the domination of S. is exactly where i want to be.
i'm not quite sure what is behind this shift. it could be that the burden gets heavier when the end is in sight. but when i imagine how i might manage if there were no expectation of relief in sight i quite panic.
It could be that the trial of frustration is dry and unsustaining when marked only by Her absence. but Her absence was even more absolute on her last trip, and the denial of that period was alternated by moments of near rapture even when not masturbating.
It could be that the length of the entire ordeal has finally touched upon the limit of my strength, and now i am weakening.
Perhaps it is all these things.
In any event, i do know with absolute certainty that i would not have it any other way. i am very proud of how i have responded to Her gift of domination. i feel as if i am in a state of grace.
a (very short) moment of peace
i used up my 2nd free pass last night, masturbating at night at home after seeing Mistress G. during the day.
it was such an incredible relief, an earth shuddering affair that instantly brought contentment down upon me, a feeling of peace that i haven't felt for a week. it even lasted till the next morning when i woke up. missing was the tension that has greeted me every morning for days now.
i jerked off while fantasizing about having my face buried in S.' pussy with G. fucking me in the ass from behind. it was an overwhelmingly powerful image. one that i had difficulty wanking to in the past because it seemed like an impossibility, but now....(!)
it was such an incredible relief, an earth shuddering affair that instantly brought contentment down upon me, a feeling of peace that i haven't felt for a week. it even lasted till the next morning when i woke up. missing was the tension that has greeted me every morning for days now.
i jerked off while fantasizing about having my face buried in S.' pussy with G. fucking me in the ass from behind. it was an overwhelmingly powerful image. one that i had difficulty wanking to in the past because it seemed like an impossibility, but now....(!)
evil Buddha
Masturbating this morning was so such a stop-and-start affair that it verged on the absurd.
Seriously fantasizing about anything now brings me to the point of orgasm within seconds. It's actually quite frustrating, as masturbating was one of the few times during the day when i could feel totally relaxed and peaceful. Now, i can't even enjoy masturbating!
however, unless something goes amiss, tomorrow i get to cum!
i want tomorrow so bad that i have to put it out of mind, or i find myself getting freaked out. There's nothing i can do to hurry it up. It's like some evil Buddhist practice to teach patience.
Seriously fantasizing about anything now brings me to the point of orgasm within seconds. It's actually quite frustrating, as masturbating was one of the few times during the day when i could feel totally relaxed and peaceful. Now, i can't even enjoy masturbating!
however, unless something goes amiss, tomorrow i get to cum!
i want tomorrow so bad that i have to put it out of mind, or i find myself getting freaked out. There's nothing i can do to hurry it up. It's like some evil Buddhist practice to teach patience.
tomorrow (!)
The experience of the last couple of days have once again been that dynamic mix of frustration alternating with erotic pleasure.
Although i still have "two-free passes" to use Her cock with another woman in the final days of Our/our contract while She is traveling, i still don't expect to have any opportunity to use them, unless perhaps something happens with Mistress G.
However, i am carefully hoarding the three opportunities i still have to cum while masturbating.
I am scheduled to see Mistress G. tomorrow, as she has agreed to inspect my ass, which she has been slowly training for almost a week now.
If "something happens" with her tomorrow, that will be great. But if not, i am going to spend one of my masturbation opportunities. Either way, i am busting at the seams to get to tomorrow!
Although i still have "two-free passes" to use Her cock with another woman in the final days of Our/our contract while She is traveling, i still don't expect to have any opportunity to use them, unless perhaps something happens with Mistress G.
However, i am carefully hoarding the three opportunities i still have to cum while masturbating.
I am scheduled to see Mistress G. tomorrow, as she has agreed to inspect my ass, which she has been slowly training for almost a week now.
If "something happens" with her tomorrow, that will be great. But if not, i am going to spend one of my masturbation opportunities. Either way, i am busting at the seams to get to tomorrow!
one question without an answer
It's now getting close to the end of my contract with S. And i find that going without cumming is getting even harder!
i suspect it's a little bit like running to the bathroom. The closer you get to the bathroom, the worse it seems until you almost wet yourself, when just two minutes ago it was possible to hold it.
Having the end in sight makes the on-going denial even harder to endure.
However, i've also realized that having a time-limited contract made the suffering in the beginning a lot easier to endure. It's like running in a short race, you can take up a hard pace, but only because you know the end isn't far off. If you're running a marathon, you can't jump out of the gate like a jackrabbit, and you certainly can't carry a load.
i had originally suggested a time-limited contract to S. because i thought that She might be more willing to take me on as Her submissive on a trial basis. However, i see now that i benefited from a short contract more than i could have imagined!
At times the suffering has been pretty dramatic (as recorded here by yours truly), and i wonder what would have happened if i had thought that there was no end in sight? What would my reaction have been?
i'm sure that, in part, i would have been even more turned on. The connection between suffering and sexual pleasure is pretty strong for me, and i'm sure that the prospect of enduring suffering would itself have inflicted suffering up on me.
However, how strong am i? How much suffering and sexual pleasure can i take before i can no longer hold the tension between the two? I think this is one question to which i'd rather not know the answer!
i suspect it's a little bit like running to the bathroom. The closer you get to the bathroom, the worse it seems until you almost wet yourself, when just two minutes ago it was possible to hold it.
Having the end in sight makes the on-going denial even harder to endure.
However, i've also realized that having a time-limited contract made the suffering in the beginning a lot easier to endure. It's like running in a short race, you can take up a hard pace, but only because you know the end isn't far off. If you're running a marathon, you can't jump out of the gate like a jackrabbit, and you certainly can't carry a load.
i had originally suggested a time-limited contract to S. because i thought that She might be more willing to take me on as Her submissive on a trial basis. However, i see now that i benefited from a short contract more than i could have imagined!
At times the suffering has been pretty dramatic (as recorded here by yours truly), and i wonder what would have happened if i had thought that there was no end in sight? What would my reaction have been?
i'm sure that, in part, i would have been even more turned on. The connection between suffering and sexual pleasure is pretty strong for me, and i'm sure that the prospect of enduring suffering would itself have inflicted suffering up on me.
However, how strong am i? How much suffering and sexual pleasure can i take before i can no longer hold the tension between the two? I think this is one question to which i'd rather not know the answer!
one down, three to go
i went out last night with K. to help her celebrate her birthday. i was hoping she would want to play with me, and we did kiss a bit while out on the town. but when all was said and done she was uncomfortable doing more.
Before She left town S. gave me two limited exemptions to Her general rule that i am not allowed to have sex with other women and in particular not allowed to use Her cock. One of the limitations is that i can only use Her cock for two hours each time. This rule raised all kinds of questions for me (such as: am i allowed to continue to have sex, but without the use of Her cock, when the two hours is up?)
From some other things S. mentioned before She left, i thought that i might get more instructions and hoped that those instructions might clarify things. But while i did receive further instructions from Her, none of them were directly about my conduct with other women.
i wrote Her an email, not expecting a reply since She is off on her adventure, but just in case. And i wrote out how i follow Her rules, hoping to get validation or clarification. But that did not happen.
[but today i did get an email from Her!!!! it was extremely short. She was just checking to make sure that i was all right with everything. I assured that i was sexually suffering, and that in turn made me feel wonderful.]
Anyways, K. has recently started seeing a lover who lives in San Diego. It's a very new relationship, and very undefined, and he's several hundred miles away. The first time K. and i kissed last night, i could tell something was up. So i asked her about it, and she admitted to just figuring things out in the moment. We agreed to play things by ear that night. In the event, by the end of the evening, she found that she was not comfortable doing anything more.
So home i went and exercised one of my four options to cum while masturbating that S. has granted me while she is away.
i have three orgasms left, but there are twelve days left in the contract. so i will have to carefully ration them!!
i still have my two free passes to play with another woman, but with K. not available, i'm not sure who i might hook up with. There's a good chance that masturbating will be the whole of my sex life for the foreseeable future!
Before She left town S. gave me two limited exemptions to Her general rule that i am not allowed to have sex with other women and in particular not allowed to use Her cock. One of the limitations is that i can only use Her cock for two hours each time. This rule raised all kinds of questions for me (such as: am i allowed to continue to have sex, but without the use of Her cock, when the two hours is up?)
From some other things S. mentioned before She left, i thought that i might get more instructions and hoped that those instructions might clarify things. But while i did receive further instructions from Her, none of them were directly about my conduct with other women.
i wrote Her an email, not expecting a reply since She is off on her adventure, but just in case. And i wrote out how i follow Her rules, hoping to get validation or clarification. But that did not happen.
[but today i did get an email from Her!!!! it was extremely short. She was just checking to make sure that i was all right with everything. I assured that i was sexually suffering, and that in turn made me feel wonderful.]
Anyways, K. has recently started seeing a lover who lives in San Diego. It's a very new relationship, and very undefined, and he's several hundred miles away. The first time K. and i kissed last night, i could tell something was up. So i asked her about it, and she admitted to just figuring things out in the moment. We agreed to play things by ear that night. In the event, by the end of the evening, she found that she was not comfortable doing anything more.
So home i went and exercised one of my four options to cum while masturbating that S. has granted me while she is away.
i have three orgasms left, but there are twelve days left in the contract. so i will have to carefully ration them!!
i still have my two free passes to play with another woman, but with K. not available, i'm not sure who i might hook up with. There's a good chance that masturbating will be the whole of my sex life for the foreseeable future!
vacation rules
It's been several days since i've journaled, so there is a bit to catch up on. A few of those days i spent with Her almost 24/7. Since this blog is written for Her, i won't record much about those days
The day before yesterday, She left to go on a 2-week vacation overseas and won't return to the until the end of the month, (right at the same time as Our/our 3-month contract expires). Just a few days before She returns, i will leave the country for two-week work trip. So, a whole month will pass before i have any chance of seeing Her again, and i suspect that it is likely i may not hear from Her at all while She is traveling.
When i was with Her for those two days, it was close to my perfect fantasy - one of those "jesus take me now" moments.
So, of course, returning to my every day reality of daily masturbation and denial was, to say the least, a huge shock. The "upside" is that i am so highly sexed that, as before, masturbation is itself an erotic drama. i cannot wank but for a few seconds before i have to stop in order to keep from cumming.
Just before She left the country, i received a couple of emails from Her.
One said, in part:
"The schedule of twice a day for 15 min w.out cumming is to continue. However you are going to exercise the option to CUM 4 times in my absences in the next 2 wks (end of contract). You are allowed to be in the company of a woman you already know when CUMMing - hold it. Only one of the 4 events shall qualify for this bonus time."
She is, of course, referring to the masturbation schedule She has had me on for close to 2 months now.
i also received a message from Her directing me to take instructions from Her friend and lover G. [yep, a lot has happened].
And here, in part, is a messages i received from G.
"I want you to start massaging your ass hole for the next two days with just gentle penetration and lube around the opening with one finger. During that time I want you to fantasize about the first time you were successfully fucked in the ass and how good it felt. At the same time, I want you stroking your cock. You will not insert your entire finger into your ass no matter how much you want to do it as you fantasize - your job is to relax your sphincter muscles and create a strong mental desire to be ass fucked."
"For your training to be a success, eventually, I want either me or [S.] to be able to fuck you in the ass and have you cum without stroking your cock. I want the mere act of ass fucking make you cum. This is the ultimate goal. I will help you get there. For now, we must start you slowly and retrain you."
There is even more to report, but i will record that in a later post.
For now, i will say that i couldn't be happier!
The day before yesterday, She left to go on a 2-week vacation overseas and won't return to the until the end of the month, (right at the same time as Our/our 3-month contract expires). Just a few days before She returns, i will leave the country for two-week work trip. So, a whole month will pass before i have any chance of seeing Her again, and i suspect that it is likely i may not hear from Her at all while She is traveling.
When i was with Her for those two days, it was close to my perfect fantasy - one of those "jesus take me now" moments.
So, of course, returning to my every day reality of daily masturbation and denial was, to say the least, a huge shock. The "upside" is that i am so highly sexed that, as before, masturbation is itself an erotic drama. i cannot wank but for a few seconds before i have to stop in order to keep from cumming.
Just before She left the country, i received a couple of emails from Her.
One said, in part:
"The schedule of twice a day for 15 min w.out cumming is to continue. However you are going to exercise the option to CUM 4 times in my absences in the next 2 wks (end of contract). You are allowed to be in the company of a woman you already know when CUMMing - hold it. Only one of the 4 events shall qualify for this bonus time."
She is, of course, referring to the masturbation schedule She has had me on for close to 2 months now.
i also received a message from Her directing me to take instructions from Her friend and lover G. [yep, a lot has happened].
And here, in part, is a messages i received from G.
"I want you to start massaging your ass hole for the next two days with just gentle penetration and lube around the opening with one finger. During that time I want you to fantasize about the first time you were successfully fucked in the ass and how good it felt. At the same time, I want you stroking your cock. You will not insert your entire finger into your ass no matter how much you want to do it as you fantasize - your job is to relax your sphincter muscles and create a strong mental desire to be ass fucked."
"For your training to be a success, eventually, I want either me or [S.] to be able to fuck you in the ass and have you cum without stroking your cock. I want the mere act of ass fucking make you cum. This is the ultimate goal. I will help you get there. For now, we must start you slowly and retrain you."
There is even more to report, but i will record that in a later post.
For now, i will say that i couldn't be happier!
warm and tingly
i love it when She locks Her cock in the cage. i love it when She locks Her cock in the cage. i love it when She locks Her cock in the cage. i love it when She locks Her cock in the cage. i love it when She locks Her cock in the cage. i love it when She locks Her cock in the cage. i love it when She locks Her cock in the cage. i love it when She locks Her cock in the cage. i love it when She locks Her cock in the cage.i love it when She locks Her cock in the cage.
It makes me feel close to Her because She is controlling me. It makes me feel submissive because i am treated like chattel. It makes me feel like a sexual slave because i have lost all control of my cock.
It makes me feel warm and tingly.
It makes me feel close to Her because She is controlling me. It makes me feel submissive because i am treated like chattel. It makes me feel like a sexual slave because i have lost all control of my cock.
It makes me feel warm and tingly.
a new day!
What a difference an orgasm makes!
i jerked-off and came last night, with Her gracious permission. And immediately, a sense of peace and completeness descended over over me. It was like a switch had been thrown. i went from being on edge, constantly feeling a desperate need to "do something," to feeling as if all was right with the world and i needn't do a thing.
That feeling of peace is still with me this morning, mixed with anticipation and hope of seeing Her tonight.
Her instructions called for me to lock up Her cock immediately after cumming, which i did. However, i felt resistant to the idea, satisfied in the moment to remain as i was. And i had to push forward solely on the intellectual knowledge that i needed to follow Her instructions.
Fortunately, that feeling of independence lasted only about as long as it took to lock on the cage, and then the glow of subservience re-kindled. It was like slipping on an old suit and remembering why it was your favorite.
Her Cock is still caged as i journal this entry, though i did have to re-fit the cage this morning. i had tried using a more restrictive locking ring last night to prevent "pull-out" (not that i would ever attempt that). But i found it to be so painful during the night that i was worried i was hurting Her cock and balls, and so re-fitted the cage with a looser fitting locking ring.
However, at the moment i have a nagging feeling that Her cock is not as locked up as it should be. Whenever i am the least bit aroused it is impossible to pull-out of the cage. But, as i found out by accident last week, when Her cock is fully shrunk down, the cage can be defeated. However, without the key, getting back into the cage is impossible, and thus there is no way to hide escape from Her. So, when i am in Her company and She holds the key, Her cock is effectively locked up. In addition, i did have a momentary panic attack this morning when i couldn't remember where i had left the key and was confronted with the difficulty that would be entailed in getting cage off, if need be, without the key. So clearly i still carry some psychological sense of restriction at all times.
My fantasies while wanking last night centered on serving Her and Her (still unknown to me) lover. They were achingly erotic fantasies. i would love for them to work out in real life.
i jerked-off and came last night, with Her gracious permission. And immediately, a sense of peace and completeness descended over over me. It was like a switch had been thrown. i went from being on edge, constantly feeling a desperate need to "do something," to feeling as if all was right with the world and i needn't do a thing.
That feeling of peace is still with me this morning, mixed with anticipation and hope of seeing Her tonight.
Her instructions called for me to lock up Her cock immediately after cumming, which i did. However, i felt resistant to the idea, satisfied in the moment to remain as i was. And i had to push forward solely on the intellectual knowledge that i needed to follow Her instructions.
Fortunately, that feeling of independence lasted only about as long as it took to lock on the cage, and then the glow of subservience re-kindled. It was like slipping on an old suit and remembering why it was your favorite.
Her Cock is still caged as i journal this entry, though i did have to re-fit the cage this morning. i had tried using a more restrictive locking ring last night to prevent "pull-out" (not that i would ever attempt that). But i found it to be so painful during the night that i was worried i was hurting Her cock and balls, and so re-fitted the cage with a looser fitting locking ring.
However, at the moment i have a nagging feeling that Her cock is not as locked up as it should be. Whenever i am the least bit aroused it is impossible to pull-out of the cage. But, as i found out by accident last week, when Her cock is fully shrunk down, the cage can be defeated. However, without the key, getting back into the cage is impossible, and thus there is no way to hide escape from Her. So, when i am in Her company and She holds the key, Her cock is effectively locked up. In addition, i did have a momentary panic attack this morning when i couldn't remember where i had left the key and was confronted with the difficulty that would be entailed in getting cage off, if need be, without the key. So clearly i still carry some psychological sense of restriction at all times.
My fantasies while wanking last night centered on serving Her and Her (still unknown to me) lover. They were achingly erotic fantasies. i would love for them to work out in real life.
rising to the ocassion
Yesterday evening, just when it was seemed that things could not possibly get any more intense, they did.
And as a result, my 15 minute masturbation sessions last night and this morning were fevered affairs in which i was completely lost in insanely super-charged imaginings. The adjective that i would usually employ to describe the feelings that came to me while wanking would be "orgasmic." But in the strict sense of that word, my masturbation sessions were anything but.
Things shot into orbit last night when i received another email from Her, that read, in part:
"you have received a cyber gift certificate allowing you to jerk off and CUM... yes CUM... on: Wednesday March 11, 2009."
"You are to to do this, 1) at any time - Big bonus 2) duration: 5 - 15 minutes - another bonus 3) in private - my cock and the cum is not to be shared with anyone"
"you will do it ONCE on Wednesday, and cage my cock afterward until you come to serve me and perhaps a lover of mine on Thursday evening in my place (instructions to follow)."
Getting this email caused me to go completely crazy - surprise, surprise.
The prospect of being able to cum was so overwhelming, IS so overwhelming, that i have to force myself to think about something else to keep from hyperventilating on the spot. And slut that i am, i find myself constantly failing in this effort. i find myself flushing, my breath quickening, Her balls aching and, of course, Her cock hard.
The prospect of being caged is one of suffering, at Her hand however, which gives me shivers just thinking about it.
The prospect of getting to serve Her, of being with Her in person, is the ultimate; it's what it's all about for me. i could record reams about this, but i will leave it at that.
The prospect of serving Her lover is scary. Will it be a woman? Is it more likely to be a man? my feelings about this are extremely conflicted.
i've explored being with a man, and found that i am (unfortunately) very one dimensional in this regard. i am completely oriented to women. As a result, being submissive around other men can be awkward and even alienating at times, particularly in large group settings. This makes sense to me since my submissive nature is explicitly tied to my sexual dimension.
However, being forced to serve in a situation in which She is entertaining another man, one whose status is not submissive, dramatically highlights my submissive status, and puts me in a very humiliating position. Being subservient to him enforces my humiliation.
The fact that she would be taking satisfaction from another man's cock, while my cock, now Her cock, has been dismissed and locked away in a cage is a dramatic expression of Her power over me.
While wanking last night, all of this was extremely erotic for me. However, fantasies can operate much differently than reality - even for a slut as twisted as i appear to be.
However, winning Her approval is such a turn-on for me, and i am so anxious to give something to Her to express my gratitude for Her love and attention, that i can see myself doing it and enjoying it. But, i have to admit i don't know what would really happen in the moment.
The challenge will be to rise to the occasion if and when She presents it.
And as a result, my 15 minute masturbation sessions last night and this morning were fevered affairs in which i was completely lost in insanely super-charged imaginings. The adjective that i would usually employ to describe the feelings that came to me while wanking would be "orgasmic." But in the strict sense of that word, my masturbation sessions were anything but.
Things shot into orbit last night when i received another email from Her, that read, in part:
"you have received a cyber gift certificate allowing you to jerk off and CUM... yes CUM... on: Wednesday March 11, 2009."
"You are to to do this, 1) at any time - Big bonus 2) duration: 5 - 15 minutes - another bonus 3) in private - my cock and the cum is not to be shared with anyone"
"you will do it ONCE on Wednesday, and cage my cock afterward until you come to serve me and perhaps a lover of mine on Thursday evening in my place (instructions to follow)."
Getting this email caused me to go completely crazy - surprise, surprise.
The prospect of being able to cum was so overwhelming, IS so overwhelming, that i have to force myself to think about something else to keep from hyperventilating on the spot. And slut that i am, i find myself constantly failing in this effort. i find myself flushing, my breath quickening, Her balls aching and, of course, Her cock hard.
The prospect of being caged is one of suffering, at Her hand however, which gives me shivers just thinking about it.
The prospect of getting to serve Her, of being with Her in person, is the ultimate; it's what it's all about for me. i could record reams about this, but i will leave it at that.
The prospect of serving Her lover is scary. Will it be a woman? Is it more likely to be a man? my feelings about this are extremely conflicted.
i've explored being with a man, and found that i am (unfortunately) very one dimensional in this regard. i am completely oriented to women. As a result, being submissive around other men can be awkward and even alienating at times, particularly in large group settings. This makes sense to me since my submissive nature is explicitly tied to my sexual dimension.
However, being forced to serve in a situation in which She is entertaining another man, one whose status is not submissive, dramatically highlights my submissive status, and puts me in a very humiliating position. Being subservient to him enforces my humiliation.
The fact that she would be taking satisfaction from another man's cock, while my cock, now Her cock, has been dismissed and locked away in a cage is a dramatic expression of Her power over me.
While wanking last night, all of this was extremely erotic for me. However, fantasies can operate much differently than reality - even for a slut as twisted as i appear to be.
However, winning Her approval is such a turn-on for me, and i am so anxious to give something to Her to express my gratitude for Her love and attention, that i can see myself doing it and enjoying it. But, i have to admit i don't know what would really happen in the moment.
The challenge will be to rise to the occasion if and when She presents it.
how crazy can you get?
i spent all day yesterday desperately looking forward to the evening when i could finally jerk-off and cum, or so i thought.
Then, at the last minute, i started wondering if i could have possibly misunderstood Her instructions and so wrote an email to double-check on Her permission [see yesterday's post]. And this, in part, is the reply i received:
"my little boy, what am I going to do with you?
The provision to jerk and cum (every other day) was indeed for ONE week, and the week is OVER.
You are back on the twice a day schedule of 15 minutes and not cumming without my presence or permission."
Getting that email was like a blow to the gut. i literally doubled-over at my desk, my mid-section clenching and caving back.
To have Her hand come falling down, shoving me back into denial, right when i thought i was on the verge of release, sent a shock of pain right through me. It was so bad that, had i been enough of a man, i would have started to cry in frustration on the spot.
And then the worst thing happened, or the best, depending up on your perspective. A warm erotic glow flowed over me, and a sexual rush traveled up my spine, up and over the back of my head, and gripped my forehead.
It was an insanely intimate moment. It seemed like she had very lovingly focused her attention on me, and i felt as if she was very close. Of all Her gifts, i most desire Her love and attention, and apparently i am wired to accept that through sexual suffering imposed by Her.
i now walk around in a sexual craze. my gut is tied in knots. Denial and forced submission produces a frustration that aches and hurts constantly. As a result, i constantly get turned on. I constantly swing back and forth between surges of painful frustration and erotic charge.
Wanking off last night and this morning, in particular, was next to impossible. i spent more time waiting to calm down, to avoid cumming, than i did wanking.
i remember reading a column once by Dan Savage, in which a reader asked him about their fetish for submission and what they should do about it. Savage replied by noting that it might be possible to eliminate the fetish through five years of therapy (and the requisite $50,000) but that it might be easier, cheaper and just as well to accept and live with the state of affairs.
Apparently, the equation, for me, is:
sexual suffering + Her attention = my happiness.
Just how crazy can one get?
Then, at the last minute, i started wondering if i could have possibly misunderstood Her instructions and so wrote an email to double-check on Her permission [see yesterday's post]. And this, in part, is the reply i received:
"my little boy, what am I going to do with you?
The provision to jerk and cum (every other day) was indeed for ONE week, and the week is OVER.
You are back on the twice a day schedule of 15 minutes and not cumming without my presence or permission."
Getting that email was like a blow to the gut. i literally doubled-over at my desk, my mid-section clenching and caving back.
To have Her hand come falling down, shoving me back into denial, right when i thought i was on the verge of release, sent a shock of pain right through me. It was so bad that, had i been enough of a man, i would have started to cry in frustration on the spot.
And then the worst thing happened, or the best, depending up on your perspective. A warm erotic glow flowed over me, and a sexual rush traveled up my spine, up and over the back of my head, and gripped my forehead.
It was an insanely intimate moment. It seemed like she had very lovingly focused her attention on me, and i felt as if she was very close. Of all Her gifts, i most desire Her love and attention, and apparently i am wired to accept that through sexual suffering imposed by Her.
i now walk around in a sexual craze. my gut is tied in knots. Denial and forced submission produces a frustration that aches and hurts constantly. As a result, i constantly get turned on. I constantly swing back and forth between surges of painful frustration and erotic charge.
Wanking off last night and this morning, in particular, was next to impossible. i spent more time waiting to calm down, to avoid cumming, than i did wanking.
i remember reading a column once by Dan Savage, in which a reader asked him about their fetish for submission and what they should do about it. Savage replied by noting that it might be possible to eliminate the fetish through five years of therapy (and the requisite $50,000) but that it might be easier, cheaper and just as well to accept and live with the state of affairs.
Apparently, the equation, for me, is:
sexual suffering + Her attention = my happiness.
Just how crazy can one get?
a day in the life
A quick journal note - not really worthy of a full post, but a comical moment from today that i might as well write down since i didn't journal yesterday.
This morning i wrote in my journal that i would be allowed to jerk-off tonight, but only if She does not change my orgasm schedule. Perhaps i should have also reported that i am very worried that She might change the schedule, because more than once She has explicitly noted that the "you-get-to-cum-every-other-day" schedule was only set through Sunday.
So, later in the day, after posting that entry to my blog, i nearly had a panic attack when i received an email at an account at which She sends me email, thinking that perhaps this was the email i had been dreading, and that my opportunity to cum tonight had vanished.
In the event, the email was not from Her. But any observer with even the least sadistic streak would have appreciate the sweat forming on my brow as i opened the email.
Of course, now as i type this note, a new worry has come to me: perhaps She means that the "no-orgasm" rule is supposed to go back into effect, by default, as of today....yikes, my blood pressure is skyrocketing......perhaps i need to double-check to see if i am allowed to cum tonight. Oh my goddess... Her balls are aching at the thought of all this, and my stomach is twisting in knots...
i don't want to check-in, if only because the very act of double-checking on Her approval might inspire Her to withhold it. However, now that doubt has crept into my mind, i can not, in good faith, jerk-off tonight. Argh!!! Either way i could be damned. [would that i could be fucked either way, instead!]
So much for posting only a short "note."
Sigh. Another day in the life.
This morning i wrote in my journal that i would be allowed to jerk-off tonight, but only if She does not change my orgasm schedule. Perhaps i should have also reported that i am very worried that She might change the schedule, because more than once She has explicitly noted that the "you-get-to-cum-every-other-day" schedule was only set through Sunday.
So, later in the day, after posting that entry to my blog, i nearly had a panic attack when i received an email at an account at which She sends me email, thinking that perhaps this was the email i had been dreading, and that my opportunity to cum tonight had vanished.
In the event, the email was not from Her. But any observer with even the least sadistic streak would have appreciate the sweat forming on my brow as i opened the email.
Of course, now as i type this note, a new worry has come to me: perhaps She means that the "no-orgasm" rule is supposed to go back into effect, by default, as of today....yikes, my blood pressure is skyrocketing......perhaps i need to double-check to see if i am allowed to cum tonight. Oh my goddess... Her balls are aching at the thought of all this, and my stomach is twisting in knots...
i don't want to check-in, if only because the very act of double-checking on Her approval might inspire Her to withhold it. However, now that doubt has crept into my mind, i can not, in good faith, jerk-off tonight. Argh!!! Either way i could be damned. [would that i could be fucked either way, instead!]
So much for posting only a short "note."
Sigh. Another day in the life.
a beggar, not a chooser
i haven't journalled since the day before yesterday, as i brilliantly managed to somehow disable my modem over the weekend while partionning a hard drive and so lost internet service yesterday.
i finally got to cum (!) late Saturday night. Of course, it came at terrible time, as i was exhausted and could barely keep my eyes open - but beggars can NOT be choosers. I had come home very late after driving up from my sister's house where i had dinner and talked late into the night. I hadn't seen her in person in close to a year, so i was very happy to have hung out with her.
But the result was that the long anticipated event was crushed under sheer exhaustion. I came but the relief was short lived, and the next day i was coping with frustration again, groaning with desire to jerk-off.
The good news is that She hasn't changed my jerk-off schedule, so at least at the moment of this writing, i am scheduled to be allowed to jerk-off tonight.
i am squirming in anticipation at this very moment.
Wanking in the shower this morning, it seemed that i almost spent as much time avoiding touching Her cock to keep from ejaculating as i did wanking. Sometimes i could stroke Her cock only for a moment before having to stop again.
And the center of my fantasies, driving all this? As always it seems recently: Her and Her pussy.
i finally got to cum (!) late Saturday night. Of course, it came at terrible time, as i was exhausted and could barely keep my eyes open - but beggars can NOT be choosers. I had come home very late after driving up from my sister's house where i had dinner and talked late into the night. I hadn't seen her in person in close to a year, so i was very happy to have hung out with her.
But the result was that the long anticipated event was crushed under sheer exhaustion. I came but the relief was short lived, and the next day i was coping with frustration again, groaning with desire to jerk-off.
The good news is that She hasn't changed my jerk-off schedule, so at least at the moment of this writing, i am scheduled to be allowed to jerk-off tonight.
i am squirming in anticipation at this very moment.
Wanking in the shower this morning, it seemed that i almost spent as much time avoiding touching Her cock to keep from ejaculating as i did wanking. Sometimes i could stroke Her cock only for a moment before having to stop again.
And the center of my fantasies, driving all this? As always it seems recently: Her and Her pussy.
stopping and starting
Her balls are tender and swollen today. Right now, as i type, they lay plumped up, aching against my thigh.
Masturbating last night and again this morning was challenging. Whenever i started to think about Her, i immediately went right to the edge of cumming and had to stop wanking right away. i spent each 15 minute block stopping and starting, many, many times over.
If the schedule She has set for me does not change, i will get to cum tonight (!) And, now that i am closer to that moment, i have to actively stop myself from thinking about it or the frustration of being so close, yet so far, would rend me in half.
Masturbating last night and again this morning was challenging. Whenever i started to think about Her, i immediately went right to the edge of cumming and had to stop wanking right away. i spent each 15 minute block stopping and starting, many, many times over.
If the schedule She has set for me does not change, i will get to cum tonight (!) And, now that i am closer to that moment, i have to actively stop myself from thinking about it or the frustration of being so close, yet so far, would rend me in half.
prayer
Technically i don't have much to journal about today, as i was not allowed to masturbate this morning or last night. i spent last night and this morning with S., and She kept Her cock locked the whole time and sent me off to work with Her cock locked in the cage.
i did masturbate yesterday morning, though. And that was, as is usual now, incredibly wonderful. Masturbating when and only when She says totally changes everything. i've written about this several times before, but there it is.
According to the every-other-day schedule She has put me on (for this week), last night would have been a night i could have cum when masturbating. However, that didn't happen (obviously). i asked if i could cum when masturbating tonight, but She said no, that i would have to wait until the next "every-other-day" which is tomorrow.
So, assuming that nothing changes (!), i will get to cum tomorrow night, but only after going four days without cumming. i find that i have to work hard to mentally pull myself together. Four days sure doesn't sound like much, but i'm afraid that i'm in such a state that i might otherwise freak out. yes, that probably meets the technical definition of a slut: someone who absolutely has to have it. but i am what i am.
i find that i am now looking ahead on the calendar, identifying the days that i will be able to cum on the new schedule. However, that schedule runs out this weekend. And i only hope that She continues to let me cum on schedule after that. Dear Goddess, please, please, please, please, let it be so!
i did masturbate yesterday morning, though. And that was, as is usual now, incredibly wonderful. Masturbating when and only when She says totally changes everything. i've written about this several times before, but there it is.
According to the every-other-day schedule She has put me on (for this week), last night would have been a night i could have cum when masturbating. However, that didn't happen (obviously). i asked if i could cum when masturbating tonight, but She said no, that i would have to wait until the next "every-other-day" which is tomorrow.
So, assuming that nothing changes (!), i will get to cum tomorrow night, but only after going four days without cumming. i find that i have to work hard to mentally pull myself together. Four days sure doesn't sound like much, but i'm afraid that i'm in such a state that i might otherwise freak out. yes, that probably meets the technical definition of a slut: someone who absolutely has to have it. but i am what i am.
i find that i am now looking ahead on the calendar, identifying the days that i will be able to cum on the new schedule. However, that schedule runs out this weekend. And i only hope that She continues to let me cum on schedule after that. Dear Goddess, please, please, please, please, let it be so!
another day, another mystery (or two)
i got to jerk-off last night! Meaning that i got to masturbate AND cum.
It was incredibly, beautifully satisfying.
i caught my cum in a handkerchief, and it got soaked through and through, which was kind of surprising as She had let me cum twice two days before.
i was supremely happy, fulfilled and content, a rare feeling at any point in life.
Of course, after 15 minutes of masturbating this morning, i was back under the stricture of denial. It was a surprisingly harsh transition. Much harder than the first time i masturbated immediately after She first put me under Her denial several weeks ago.
This was also a bit surprising as i was wondering if perhaps the last two weeks would have conditioned me to go without - but instead it may have drained some of my capacity to endure. However, i think it's way too early to tell anything at all, either way.
It was incredibly, beautifully satisfying.
i caught my cum in a handkerchief, and it got soaked through and through, which was kind of surprising as She had let me cum twice two days before.
i was supremely happy, fulfilled and content, a rare feeling at any point in life.
Of course, after 15 minutes of masturbating this morning, i was back under the stricture of denial. It was a surprisingly harsh transition. Much harder than the first time i masturbated immediately after She first put me under Her denial several weeks ago.
This was also a bit surprising as i was wondering if perhaps the last two weeks would have conditioned me to go without - but instead it may have drained some of my capacity to endure. However, i think it's way too early to tell anything at all, either way.
to cum or not to cum, that is the question.
Wanking last night and again this morning was intense beyond words.
i was shuddering in bliss.
i was supposed to choose whether to cum in the mornings or the evenings (every other day). i chose evenings because i was instructed to call Her this morning in case She wanted me to come by, and somehow it seemed wrong to cum before going over to serve Her. However, i also serve Her in the evenings, so i don't know that my logic extends forward very far, but there it is.
i am allowed to cum tonight - i wonder what that will be like? i almost can't bear to think about it.
i was shuddering in bliss.
i was supposed to choose whether to cum in the mornings or the evenings (every other day). i chose evenings because i was instructed to call Her this morning in case She wanted me to come by, and somehow it seemed wrong to cum before going over to serve Her. However, i also serve Her in the evenings, so i don't know that my logic extends forward very far, but there it is.
i am allowed to cum tonight - i wonder what that will be like? i almost can't bear to think about it.
played by a virtuoso
Today feels surreal.
For the last 12 hours I've walked around in a happy daze, after having spent the night before with Mistress S.
After 15 days of denial and frustration that had me on the verge of panic more than once, i had one of the most fulfilling, erotic, nights of my life. If events had changed any faster i would have had whiplash.
Now, going forward, for the next week, She has instructed me to continue with my twice-daily masturbation, but i am allowed to cum once every other day (!), though i have to decide whether it will be during the morning masturbation sessions or the evening sessions.
one note for history: i learned that when i called Her last week [after being without contact for almost two weeks, and was summarily and casually dismissed within a minute,] that She was, in fact, entertaining a lover [whose cock was most assuredly not caged].
i feel like i am a violin, played by a virtuoso. She has me going in all directions, and i have no idea what is coming next.
For the last 12 hours I've walked around in a happy daze, after having spent the night before with Mistress S.
After 15 days of denial and frustration that had me on the verge of panic more than once, i had one of the most fulfilling, erotic, nights of my life. If events had changed any faster i would have had whiplash.
Now, going forward, for the next week, She has instructed me to continue with my twice-daily masturbation, but i am allowed to cum once every other day (!), though i have to decide whether it will be during the morning masturbation sessions or the evening sessions.
one note for history: i learned that when i called Her last week [after being without contact for almost two weeks, and was summarily and casually dismissed within a minute,] that She was, in fact, entertaining a lover [whose cock was most assuredly not caged].
i feel like i am a violin, played by a virtuoso. She has me going in all directions, and i have no idea what is coming next.
déjà vu
Yesterday was challenging.
Her balls ached. i was desperate to cum all day. And it was gut wrenching when the 15 minutes was up and i had to stop masturbating.
i am just gutting it out from one day to the next.
my masturbation fantasies are pretty much exclusively about Her, and it is impossible to masturbate for 15 minutes straight without pausing several times in order to keep from cumming.
There was one new wrinkle yesterday.
When i go to dance class , i wear a snug thong under my dance leggings to hold Her cock and balls in place. However, yesterday, i found that it was not enough. When i spun or changed directions quickly, a sharp ache ran through Her balls as if they had been given a quick squeeze.
i am scheduled to see Her tonight, and am crossing my fingers Her plans don't change!
Her balls ached. i was desperate to cum all day. And it was gut wrenching when the 15 minutes was up and i had to stop masturbating.
i am just gutting it out from one day to the next.
my masturbation fantasies are pretty much exclusively about Her, and it is impossible to masturbate for 15 minutes straight without pausing several times in order to keep from cumming.
There was one new wrinkle yesterday.
When i go to dance class , i wear a snug thong under my dance leggings to hold Her cock and balls in place. However, yesterday, i found that it was not enough. When i spun or changed directions quickly, a sharp ache ran through Her balls as if they had been given a quick squeeze.
i am scheduled to see Her tonight, and am crossing my fingers Her plans don't change!
that's the way i like it
i masturbated this morning for my required 15 minutes, and found myself thinking about a short phone conversation i had yesterday with Mistress S.
She has recently been overseas for a while and was due back yesterday. But just before She left town, She told me to reserve last night for Her and to call after Her plane landed. Since then i have not heard from Her.
So, when yesterday (Thursday) finally rolled around i called, as per Her instructions. She picked up my call and accepted my pleasantries. Then She immediately asked about my schedule over the weekend. i let Her know that i was free on Friday and Sunday. She said We/we could get together Sunday and that We/we could talk then. At that point, the call was clearly over, so i said goodbye.
In the moment, i was crushed, of course. i have been starving for Her attention and was living in hope of seeing Her last night. So, when She answered the phone, it was like suddenly seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. But when the call ended almost as soon as it had begun, the light immediately winked out, as if the door to the tunnel entrance up ahead had been slammed shut and locked.
But then i WANT to be treated like that. Or perhaps more accurately i want to be under the thumb of someone who talks to me only when She wants to, and then for only as long as She wants to, and not for one second longer. And She isn't going to worry how i might react. She is going to be how She wants to be, and do what She wants to do. Nothing more, nothing less. No second guessing, no reading between the lines. It is what it is.
The terms of Our/our contract are clear. My role is to serve Her, not the other way around. And the call last night was a good example of that.
So, while i was crushed in the moment, by this morning i was wanking to the memory of the phone call.
She is the gift that keeps on giving!
She has recently been overseas for a while and was due back yesterday. But just before She left town, She told me to reserve last night for Her and to call after Her plane landed. Since then i have not heard from Her.
So, when yesterday (Thursday) finally rolled around i called, as per Her instructions. She picked up my call and accepted my pleasantries. Then She immediately asked about my schedule over the weekend. i let Her know that i was free on Friday and Sunday. She said We/we could get together Sunday and that We/we could talk then. At that point, the call was clearly over, so i said goodbye.
In the moment, i was crushed, of course. i have been starving for Her attention and was living in hope of seeing Her last night. So, when She answered the phone, it was like suddenly seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. But when the call ended almost as soon as it had begun, the light immediately winked out, as if the door to the tunnel entrance up ahead had been slammed shut and locked.
But then i WANT to be treated like that. Or perhaps more accurately i want to be under the thumb of someone who talks to me only when She wants to, and then for only as long as She wants to, and not for one second longer. And She isn't going to worry how i might react. She is going to be how She wants to be, and do what She wants to do. Nothing more, nothing less. No second guessing, no reading between the lines. It is what it is.
The terms of Our/our contract are clear. My role is to serve Her, not the other way around. And the call last night was a good example of that.
So, while i was crushed in the moment, by this morning i was wanking to the memory of the phone call.
She is the gift that keeps on giving!
rough night
Last night it was pretty hard to stop masturbating.
In recent days the frustration from denial has gotten to the point that the only time during the day when i am not stressed out is when i am masturbating. Everything is fine when i am wanking. In fact it's more than fine, it's fantastic. i have to pause every minute or so just to keep from cumming. But when i'm not masturbating, i'm plain stressed out.
So, when the 15 minutes were up last night i came close to freaking out. i also came close to the breaking point last Sunday, but managed to pull myself back from the edge. Last night, i stopped wanking, of course. But it was gut wrenching, and then the on-going stress kicked back in again, only worse.
i'm very lucky to be in this situation, and confronting my feelings and desires has definitely helped me to grow and understand myself. But i've yet to resolve the growing stress. So apparently there's still plenty of "opportunity for personal growth." ;)
In recent days the frustration from denial has gotten to the point that the only time during the day when i am not stressed out is when i am masturbating. Everything is fine when i am wanking. In fact it's more than fine, it's fantastic. i have to pause every minute or so just to keep from cumming. But when i'm not masturbating, i'm plain stressed out.
So, when the 15 minutes were up last night i came close to freaking out. i also came close to the breaking point last Sunday, but managed to pull myself back from the edge. Last night, i stopped wanking, of course. But it was gut wrenching, and then the on-going stress kicked back in again, only worse.
i'm very lucky to be in this situation, and confronting my feelings and desires has definitely helped me to grow and understand myself. But i've yet to resolve the growing stress. So apparently there's still plenty of "opportunity for personal growth." ;)
days of dualism
Another day, another round of masturbation without cumming. The daily stress, tension and distraction continues. Her balls still ache. The wonderful sense of being controlled and dominated endures. What a crazed life :)
Mistress S. gets back into town tomorrow, and there's a good chance i will get to see Her. So, not surprisingly, my masturbation fantasies last night and this morning were all about Her.
Mistress S. gets back into town tomorrow, and there's a good chance i will get to see Her. So, not surprisingly, my masturbation fantasies last night and this morning were all about Her.
gender bending
i went out for drinks with L. last night. Mistress S.' cock was locked in the cage, and i left the key back at home - as per Her instructions.
i had a good time, but i was reminded a bit why things never took off between L. and i before.
The conversation was a bit stiff, and i found that i had to do most of the talking and leading to keep things going. L. was a very passive conversation partner for long stretches (i feel awkward writing this because it seems critical of L. and she might very well take it that way if she ever reads this.)
At the same time it seemed pretty clear from her eye contact and body language and her enthusiasm at a very key moments that she was into hanging with me, and possibly in playing with me.
However, that combination of a woman who's interested in me, but is very passive when it comes to personal/intellectual interaction kinda irritates me. i want someone who engages with me, and if she's no good for that, then it feels like all she is good for is fucking. It makes me want to grab her by the hair, throw her onto her knees, push her head to the ground, take her from behind, and then walk away. And i don't give a damn whether she cums or not.
Ahem....so, anyways, when i got home last night, i took off the cage and masturbated as per Her directions. And L. was nowhere to be found in my fantasy. It was S., S., and more S.
And this morning's masturbation was more of the same.
As i type right now Her balls are swollen and tender. i often sit cross legged, my knees folded on top of each other, but when i do that now Her balls feels as if they are being squeezed.
It's kinda ironic that i have to stop the "girly" practice of crossing my legs, and instead sit in the "manly" open crotch spread. i suppose there's some pithy insight on gender bending to be made here, but it escapes me at the moment.
Looking forward to masturbating tonight!
i had a good time, but i was reminded a bit why things never took off between L. and i before.
The conversation was a bit stiff, and i found that i had to do most of the talking and leading to keep things going. L. was a very passive conversation partner for long stretches (i feel awkward writing this because it seems critical of L. and she might very well take it that way if she ever reads this.)
At the same time it seemed pretty clear from her eye contact and body language and her enthusiasm at a very key moments that she was into hanging with me, and possibly in playing with me.
However, that combination of a woman who's interested in me, but is very passive when it comes to personal/intellectual interaction kinda irritates me. i want someone who engages with me, and if she's no good for that, then it feels like all she is good for is fucking. It makes me want to grab her by the hair, throw her onto her knees, push her head to the ground, take her from behind, and then walk away. And i don't give a damn whether she cums or not.
Ahem....so, anyways, when i got home last night, i took off the cage and masturbated as per Her directions. And L. was nowhere to be found in my fantasy. It was S., S., and more S.
And this morning's masturbation was more of the same.
As i type right now Her balls are swollen and tender. i often sit cross legged, my knees folded on top of each other, but when i do that now Her balls feels as if they are being squeezed.
It's kinda ironic that i have to stop the "girly" practice of crossing my legs, and instead sit in the "manly" open crotch spread. i suppose there's some pithy insight on gender bending to be made here, but it escapes me at the moment.
Looking forward to masturbating tonight!
a different day
What a difference a day makes.
i masturbated last night and again this morning, as per Her instructions. I still feel tense and desperate, and Her balls are swollen and ache. However, the edge of frustration that verged on panic yesterday, Sunday, is completely gone . Maybe it's because I have a full day of work in front me that is commanding my attention. If so, i need to keep on keeping busy.
An emerging theme to my fantasies, that played out while wanking last night and this morning, is looking forward to being unlocked and allowed to jerk off in front of Her, on Her bathroom floor, and then having to clean Her floor with my tongue, licking up my cum. i used to fantasize about more "sex" than that. But, not surprisingly, given my fetish to conform to Her desires and my relative inability to fantasy about the impossible, my fantasies are focusing on what She has allowed to date.
i masturbated last night and again this morning, as per Her instructions. I still feel tense and desperate, and Her balls are swollen and ache. However, the edge of frustration that verged on panic yesterday, Sunday, is completely gone . Maybe it's because I have a full day of work in front me that is commanding my attention. If so, i need to keep on keeping busy.
An emerging theme to my fantasies, that played out while wanking last night and this morning, is looking forward to being unlocked and allowed to jerk off in front of Her, on Her bathroom floor, and then having to clean Her floor with my tongue, licking up my cum. i used to fantasize about more "sex" than that. But, not surprisingly, given my fetish to conform to Her desires and my relative inability to fantasy about the impossible, my fantasies are focusing on what She has allowed to date.
mind control
Today is a bit of challenge, as i find myself feeling quite desperate and on edge, my feelings dominated by frustration.
Earlier today i had one particularly bad moment, where i was feeling quite bad. It was so severe that it shook me up a bit, but on the flip side it woke me up to confronting my feelings, drawing my consciousness outward to where i had a bit more perspective instead of being so wrapped up in my feelings.
And in that moment, without denying what i was feeling, i was able to remind myself how lucky i am, that to live in erotic desperation is a gift that i could never have on my own (as a submissive slut who gets turned on by denial), that this may be a hard thing but it is also a *good thing* - the coin has two sides.
As i type this out, it sounds, even to my own ears, a little bit like self-brainwashing, but there it is.
However, and surprisingly, that intellectual exercise actually helped re-shape my feelings a bit. i'm still feeling frustrated, but it's not as bad. And writing out my feelings here in this blog, helps too, (yet another gift from Her!).
i'm going to dance class later today, where hopefully i can work out some more frustration. The teacher today is R., and her class is usually a very hard-working sweaty affair with a bunch of talented, enthusiastic dancers. i think i will focus on that, using it as a goal to get through the rest of the day.
Earlier today i had one particularly bad moment, where i was feeling quite bad. It was so severe that it shook me up a bit, but on the flip side it woke me up to confronting my feelings, drawing my consciousness outward to where i had a bit more perspective instead of being so wrapped up in my feelings.
And in that moment, without denying what i was feeling, i was able to remind myself how lucky i am, that to live in erotic desperation is a gift that i could never have on my own (as a submissive slut who gets turned on by denial), that this may be a hard thing but it is also a *good thing* - the coin has two sides.
As i type this out, it sounds, even to my own ears, a little bit like self-brainwashing, but there it is.
However, and surprisingly, that intellectual exercise actually helped re-shape my feelings a bit. i'm still feeling frustrated, but it's not as bad. And writing out my feelings here in this blog, helps too, (yet another gift from Her!).
i'm going to dance class later today, where hopefully i can work out some more frustration. The teacher today is R., and her class is usually a very hard-working sweaty affair with a bunch of talented, enthusiastic dancers. i think i will focus on that, using it as a goal to get through the rest of the day.
relativity of time
There was a woman in my dance exercise class yesterday that reminded me of Mistress S. She seems to have the same ethnic/racial background as S., and again like S., is beautiful and carries herself with a very strong and confident but gracious manner.
So, of course, i ended up masturbating about her last night and again this morning.
i haven't heard from S. since She left for Paris, which seems like a million years ago. One side effect of masturbating every day without cumming is that time is slowed down to a crawl - every day is an erotic trial.
i suspect that, in stark contrast, time is flying for S. and she is completely consumed by Paris. It's possible that She is ignoring me, but i think She has better ways to entertain Herself. She has only been gone a week. Either way, it's yet another delicious reminder of my status. i am desperate for Her attention, while She takes as She pleases.
So, of course, i ended up masturbating about her last night and again this morning.
i haven't heard from S. since She left for Paris, which seems like a million years ago. One side effect of masturbating every day without cumming is that time is slowed down to a crawl - every day is an erotic trial.
i suspect that, in stark contrast, time is flying for S. and she is completely consumed by Paris. It's possible that She is ignoring me, but i think She has better ways to entertain Herself. She has only been gone a week. Either way, it's yet another delicious reminder of my status. i am desperate for Her attention, while She takes as She pleases.
a class act
i spent last night with K. We/we started the evening by going to dance workout together and then having beers at a nearby bar, where we caught up and got up to date. Since i last saw her, almost two months ago, she had started seeing someone but just that day had broken off with him. Meanwhile she had gotten back in touch with an old high school friend and was now having a mad email romance with him. When my turn came, i shared the news that my cock no longer belonged to me. I didn't think that she would be weirded out by the news, but i was concerned that she might put off a bit. Yet, after filling in the details, i was happily surprised to find that she was still down for me, and We/we spend the night at her place. We had a great time hanging out, talking and laughing. However, much to her frustration, she was hit by a migraine late in the evening. Nicely enough, she was very gracious and had no problems being with me while i followed my instructions - masturbating for 15 minutes. By the time morning came around, it was only about six hours later, and while she was feeling better, the migraine had taken the wind of her sails. I masturbated again, and again she kept me company.
It felt so fantastic to be so open with someone about what's going on with me and still have that person be into me. i felt like i had hit the jackpot.
It felt so fantastic to be so open with someone about what's going on with me and still have that person be into me. i felt like i had hit the jackpot.
a gift from S.
Last night when i put on my leggings for dance class, Her "package" felt bigger. It was obviously a little swollen. my dance pants are cotton/lycra and fit very snugly. So, it's not surprising that they would make me notice something i might not feel in my jeans.
And then this morning, the familiar ache returned. And after masturbating, it got worse. As i type right now, an ache is pulsing though Her balls.
So, now i have another reminder of my status under S.
It's the gift that keep on giving!
And then this morning, the familiar ache returned. And after masturbating, it got worse. As i type right now, an ache is pulsing though Her balls.
So, now i have another reminder of my status under S.
It's the gift that keep on giving!
discipline
It's getting increasingly hard to masturbate without constantly stopping to keep from cumming. This morning i came within a second of passing the point of no return.
As per Her instructions i masturbated for 15 minutes last night and again this morning.
my date with K. is tonight. i don't know if we will end up messing around - but if we do, i will have to be extremely careful in order to avoid cumming. i almost wish Mistress S. had ordered Her cock caged for tonight, as She has for my upcoming date with L.
i'm still wondering what K. will think of all this. it will be an interesting date, if nothing else.
As per Her instructions i masturbated for 15 minutes last night and again this morning.
my date with K. is tonight. i don't know if we will end up messing around - but if we do, i will have to be extremely careful in order to avoid cumming. i almost wish Mistress S. had ordered Her cock caged for tonight, as She has for my upcoming date with L.
i'm still wondering what K. will think of all this. it will be an interesting date, if nothing else.
who knew it could be so good?
It was very hard to stop masturbating last night and again this morning.
Not hard in the sense that i couldn't stop on time - that's easy. i just watch the clock and take my hand off Her cock when the 15 minutes are up.
It's difficult in the sense that i don't want to stop. i desperately want to keep on wanking, even though i am not allowed to cum.
i don't want to stop, in part, because i want to keep wanking until i cum, naturally enough.
However, on top of all that, masturbating this way, i.e. under Her control, is so much better than masturbating on my own. It feels better, MUCH better. The pleasure is very much more intense and way more constant. An erotic charge crackles through me like electricity.
If She hadn't set a 15 minute/twice per day limit on my masturbation sessions, i would probably spend hours a day wanking like this.
When i masturbate on my own i rarely feel this good. In fact, most of the time when i masturbate on my own, it doesn't come anywhere close to feeling this good. [Though, slut that i am, that never stopped me from masturbating constantly before].
No surprise then that i am so very happy to be under Her control.
Not hard in the sense that i couldn't stop on time - that's easy. i just watch the clock and take my hand off Her cock when the 15 minutes are up.
It's difficult in the sense that i don't want to stop. i desperately want to keep on wanking, even though i am not allowed to cum.
i don't want to stop, in part, because i want to keep wanking until i cum, naturally enough.
However, on top of all that, masturbating this way, i.e. under Her control, is so much better than masturbating on my own. It feels better, MUCH better. The pleasure is very much more intense and way more constant. An erotic charge crackles through me like electricity.
If She hadn't set a 15 minute/twice per day limit on my masturbation sessions, i would probably spend hours a day wanking like this.
When i masturbate on my own i rarely feel this good. In fact, most of the time when i masturbate on my own, it doesn't come anywhere close to feeling this good. [Though, slut that i am, that never stopped me from masturbating constantly before].
No surprise then that i am so very happy to be under Her control.
crazy talk
It's been four days since She allowed me to cum, on Her bathroom floor, and while i am desperate to jerk off, the constant aching hasn't resurfaced, yet. (Thank goodness.)
This morning's masturbation session followed the pattern of the last couple of days - i can only wank for short bursts before having to stop in order to avoid cumming.
my fantasies while masturbating this morning were dominated by visions of being with Her while i am collared, leashed and caged, visions of being at Her feet, doing Her ironing, laying down next to Her, talking with Her, all the while marked and constrained like chattel.
There is something powerful and wonderful about the dramatic combination of being very close to Her and at the same time being submissive to Her, of being intimate with Her while collared and caged like a slave, an animal. Sometimes when i am lying next to Her, the contrast of Her freedom against the reality of my collar, leash and cock cage washes over me as pure joy.
i know this all must sound like crazy talk. And i know that much of this could just be Her cock talking.
But damn, that's what it feels like in this moment.
This morning's masturbation session followed the pattern of the last couple of days - i can only wank for short bursts before having to stop in order to avoid cumming.
my fantasies while masturbating this morning were dominated by visions of being with Her while i am collared, leashed and caged, visions of being at Her feet, doing Her ironing, laying down next to Her, talking with Her, all the while marked and constrained like chattel.
There is something powerful and wonderful about the dramatic combination of being very close to Her and at the same time being submissive to Her, of being intimate with Her while collared and caged like a slave, an animal. Sometimes when i am lying next to Her, the contrast of Her freedom against the reality of my collar, leash and cock cage washes over me as pure joy.
i know this all must sound like crazy talk. And i know that much of this could just be Her cock talking.
But damn, that's what it feels like in this moment.
it's all about Her
i masturbated last night and again this morning, as per Her instructions.
It was very difficult this morning. i was incredibly turned on, and Her cock was rock hard. i had to stop every 15 or 30 seconds in order to keep from cumming.
i was thinking about Her, of course.
It was very difficult this morning. i was incredibly turned on, and Her cock was rock hard. i had to stop every 15 or 30 seconds in order to keep from cumming.
i was thinking about Her, of course.
what a weirdo
All day long, i've been desperate to jerk-off. All day long, i've been desperate to jerk-off. All day long, i've been desperate to jerk-off. All day long, i've been desperate to jerk-off. All day long, i've been desperate to jerk-off. All day long, i've been desperate to jerk-off. All day long, i've been desperate to jerk-off. All day long, i've been desperate to jerk-off. All day long, i've been desperate to jerk-off. All day long, i've been desperate to jerk-off. All day long, i've been desperate to jerk-off. All day long, i've been desperate to jerk-off. All day long, i've been desperate to jerk-off. All day long, i've been desperate to jerk-off. All day long, i've been desperate to jerk-off. All day long, i've been desperate to jerk-off. All day long, i've been desperate to jerk-off. All day long, i've been desperate to jerk-off. All day long, i've been desperate to jerk-off. All day long, i've been desperate to jerk-off. All day long, i've been desperate to jerk-off. All day long, i've been desperate to jerk-off. All day long, i've been desperate to jerk-off.
Lucky me!
Lucky me!
as if there is no tomorrow
Last night and this morning were pretty "normal" masturbation sessions. i wanked away as per Her instruction. And as is the pattern, i was pulled up short by the time limit.
The tension and distraction is beginning to mount, again.
i am fixed on the new fantasy track: being Her strap-on slut. I fantasize about being on my knees and sucking Her strap-on cock as if there is no tomorrow. And then having Her grab me by the hair, forcing me to the floor and fucking me in the ass.
Pretty standard fantasy fare for a submissive boy - but it had never come up as a fantasy with Her before.
i tend to fantasize only about the possible. i never fantasize about the impossible, e.g. sex with celebrities. Would that i could, but i can't. Apparently, there needs to be a sense that something is at least possible, even if improbable, for it to be erotic for me. The completely-out-of-reach is apparently so pointless to whatever section of my brain that controls my fantasies that it is deemed irrelevant.
The one exception to this rule, is the "what might have been" fantasy. i do sometimes fantasize about what might have been with certain lovers over the years had i done things differently - mostly if i had been more committed to pursuing my fantasies of submission.
That said, i probably have had more than my fair share of fantasy experiences over the years - though none have come close to what's going down now.
did i mention how lucky i am?
The tension and distraction is beginning to mount, again.
i am fixed on the new fantasy track: being Her strap-on slut. I fantasize about being on my knees and sucking Her strap-on cock as if there is no tomorrow. And then having Her grab me by the hair, forcing me to the floor and fucking me in the ass.
Pretty standard fantasy fare for a submissive boy - but it had never come up as a fantasy with Her before.
i tend to fantasize only about the possible. i never fantasize about the impossible, e.g. sex with celebrities. Would that i could, but i can't. Apparently, there needs to be a sense that something is at least possible, even if improbable, for it to be erotic for me. The completely-out-of-reach is apparently so pointless to whatever section of my brain that controls my fantasies that it is deemed irrelevant.
The one exception to this rule, is the "what might have been" fantasy. i do sometimes fantasize about what might have been with certain lovers over the years had i done things differently - mostly if i had been more committed to pursuing my fantasies of submission.
That said, i probably have had more than my fair share of fantasy experiences over the years - though none have come close to what's going down now.
did i mention how lucky i am?
reprieve
my balls have stopped aching, for the moment at least. Yesterday morning, She permitted me to jerk-off and cum on Her bathroom floor.
It was simply a wonderful moment.
It seems She wanted me to jerk-off and cum as soon as possible, but i didn't understand that at first and so began pacing myself right away so as not to get too excited too soon. Of course, She immediately corrected me - and i soon came all over Her bathroom floor, which She immediately had me lick up.
Last night i masturbated without the usual edge of desperation that now usually accompanies my wanking. However, that window of ease has already passed. As i write, i feel the tension back again, and i know it won't go away until i am allowed to cum again.
She leaves tomorrow on Her vacation and won't be back for 11 days. In the meantime, She is giving me only one way to cum while she is gone: i get to cum once for every six hours i wear a butt plug.
Like most uptight white boys, my ass is clenched so tight that its a wonder anything gets out, much less in. However, She has announced that She intends to fuck my ass - thus the incentive oriented training.
i'm only up to two hours, total, as of this moment, and already my asshole is feeling a little warm. i'm a little concerned (OK, a lot concerned) that i will have to take this very slowly.
i had hoped to get up to six hours and be able to cum before next Friday, when i have a date with my friend K. Mistress S. gave permission for Her cock to be out it's cage during that date, and even gave permission for me to have sex with K. But, i am still explicitly forbidden from cumming when with K. So, jerking off and cumming before the date with K. seemed like the better part of valor.
However, that now seems very unlikely if i am to be careful with my ass - and i am sure i would be in serious trouble with Her, if i wasn't.
i haven't spoken with K. in person since i lost ownership of my cock, and i don't know what her reaction will be. it should be a very interesting night.
i masturbated in the shower this morning - fantasizing about being on my knees, with my chest and shoulders pressed flat to the ground, my face turned to the side, and my ass up in the air, all while being fucked in the ass by Her, wielding a strap-on.
i stopped at the 15 minute mark, of course. but it was a bit of shock, kinda like watching a basketball championship game on TV only to have the power go out just as a player goes up to take the final, deciding shot of the game.
She is a wonderful domme.
It was simply a wonderful moment.
It seems She wanted me to jerk-off and cum as soon as possible, but i didn't understand that at first and so began pacing myself right away so as not to get too excited too soon. Of course, She immediately corrected me - and i soon came all over Her bathroom floor, which She immediately had me lick up.
Last night i masturbated without the usual edge of desperation that now usually accompanies my wanking. However, that window of ease has already passed. As i write, i feel the tension back again, and i know it won't go away until i am allowed to cum again.
She leaves tomorrow on Her vacation and won't be back for 11 days. In the meantime, She is giving me only one way to cum while she is gone: i get to cum once for every six hours i wear a butt plug.
Like most uptight white boys, my ass is clenched so tight that its a wonder anything gets out, much less in. However, She has announced that She intends to fuck my ass - thus the incentive oriented training.
i'm only up to two hours, total, as of this moment, and already my asshole is feeling a little warm. i'm a little concerned (OK, a lot concerned) that i will have to take this very slowly.
i had hoped to get up to six hours and be able to cum before next Friday, when i have a date with my friend K. Mistress S. gave permission for Her cock to be out it's cage during that date, and even gave permission for me to have sex with K. But, i am still explicitly forbidden from cumming when with K. So, jerking off and cumming before the date with K. seemed like the better part of valor.
However, that now seems very unlikely if i am to be careful with my ass - and i am sure i would be in serious trouble with Her, if i wasn't.
i haven't spoken with K. in person since i lost ownership of my cock, and i don't know what her reaction will be. it should be a very interesting night.
i masturbated in the shower this morning - fantasizing about being on my knees, with my chest and shoulders pressed flat to the ground, my face turned to the side, and my ass up in the air, all while being fucked in the ass by Her, wielding a strap-on.
i stopped at the 15 minute mark, of course. but it was a bit of shock, kinda like watching a basketball championship game on TV only to have the power go out just as a player goes up to take the final, deciding shot of the game.
She is a wonderful domme.
blue balls
my balls ache.
They ache so much that i started to think it must be psychosomatic. [To be sure, they only ache, there is no acute pain].
Being a long-time consumer of story smut, i've read about "blue-balls" a million times. But since i never really experienced it, i figured it is mostly made-up, mostly to guilt-trip girlfriends and wives who aren't bold enough to tell their men to go jerk-off if it's that bad.
But the aching is going on and on, and is getting stronger.
So, i did a little research.
Wikipedia (FWIW) calls it out as a real phenomenon, particularly for men over 40 for whom (Wikipedia claims) the symptoms can last up to 12 hours after erection.
Wikipedia does cite this pediatrics paper which provides a case study and the results of a literature review. The paper reports that the literature is strangely silent on the topic but that the "great majority of adult, pediatric, urologic and emergency physicians, as well as nurses and non-medial people informally surveyed, know of this condition."
"Condition" appears to be a key word choice, because it seems from the material reviewed that despite the aching, i am in no danger of being harmed.
Do i like being made to suffer in denial, particularly by Her? Of course. But does it still hurt? Yes!
They ache so much that i started to think it must be psychosomatic. [To be sure, they only ache, there is no acute pain].
Being a long-time consumer of story smut, i've read about "blue-balls" a million times. But since i never really experienced it, i figured it is mostly made-up, mostly to guilt-trip girlfriends and wives who aren't bold enough to tell their men to go jerk-off if it's that bad.
But the aching is going on and on, and is getting stronger.
So, i did a little research.
Wikipedia (FWIW) calls it out as a real phenomenon, particularly for men over 40 for whom (Wikipedia claims) the symptoms can last up to 12 hours after erection.
Wikipedia does cite this pediatrics paper which provides a case study and the results of a literature review. The paper reports that the literature is strangely silent on the topic but that the "great majority of adult, pediatric, urologic and emergency physicians, as well as nurses and non-medial people informally surveyed, know of this condition."
"Condition" appears to be a key word choice, because it seems from the material reviewed that despite the aching, i am in no danger of being harmed.
Do i like being made to suffer in denial, particularly by Her? Of course. But does it still hurt? Yes!
the elasticity of time
It's just shy of seven days since i was last allowed to cum, but it seems like seven weeks(!)
i remain in that tortured limbo land in which i am constantly driven to frustration and distraction due to denial and yet at the same time am buoyed by a sense of erotic completeness gained from submitting to Her denial. i am a total head case.
i masturbated last night and again this morning, as per Her instructions. While wanking i wondered about a couple of upcoming "dates" i am scheduling with two friends, both of whom are recent (but pre-contract) lovers. And i fantasized that She would order that Her cock be caged when with them.
And then tonight i received an email from Her that included this: "...I want my cock to be well protected when you meet her. CAGED in its all glory..." [emphasis Hers].
Did i already mention how lucky i am?
i remain in that tortured limbo land in which i am constantly driven to frustration and distraction due to denial and yet at the same time am buoyed by a sense of erotic completeness gained from submitting to Her denial. i am a total head case.
i masturbated last night and again this morning, as per Her instructions. While wanking i wondered about a couple of upcoming "dates" i am scheduling with two friends, both of whom are recent (but pre-contract) lovers. And i fantasized that She would order that Her cock be caged when with them.
And then tonight i received an email from Her that included this: "...I want my cock to be well protected when you meet her. CAGED in its all glory..." [emphasis Hers].
Did i already mention how lucky i am?
heigh-ho, hiegh-ho, it's off to work i go
i spent 20 minutes masturbating at work this morning - as per instructions i received from Her:
"For Wednesday February 11th, 2009. I want you to jerk off, work schedule permitting, at 10:00 AM and if not at 10, at 12:10. I want you to jerk off for 20 minutes this time - do NOT cum....you are back to your "15 minute" schedule Wednesday night. Mistress S. P.S. Call me on my cell if your work schedule will not permit you to jerk off tomorrow at the designated time."
i often jerk-off at work (or that is i used to) but almost never for 20 minutes. i have a private office, located up a short flight of stairs such that i can hear anyone coming my way. but my office door does not lock, and the office kitchen is also located on top of the stairs. So jerking off at work can be an anxious experience, full of false alarms. As a result, i usually jerk-off quickly, cumming in just a couple minutes - an easy task for this standard issue boy.
This morning however, i lucked out and no one came up the stairs the whole time i was wanking. As usual, She dominated my thoughts while masturbating.
Now however, i am having trouble concentrating. i am frustrated as fuck. my mind keeps wandering back to thoughts of Her, Her cock and jerking-off. Maybe if i go get a cup of coffee.....
"For Wednesday February 11th, 2009. I want you to jerk off, work schedule permitting, at 10:00 AM and if not at 10, at 12:10. I want you to jerk off for 20 minutes this time - do NOT cum....you are back to your "15 minute" schedule Wednesday night. Mistress S. P.S. Call me on my cell if your work schedule will not permit you to jerk off tomorrow at the designated time."
i often jerk-off at work (or that is i used to) but almost never for 20 minutes. i have a private office, located up a short flight of stairs such that i can hear anyone coming my way. but my office door does not lock, and the office kitchen is also located on top of the stairs. So jerking off at work can be an anxious experience, full of false alarms. As a result, i usually jerk-off quickly, cumming in just a couple minutes - an easy task for this standard issue boy.
This morning however, i lucked out and no one came up the stairs the whole time i was wanking. As usual, She dominated my thoughts while masturbating.
Now however, i am having trouble concentrating. i am frustrated as fuck. my mind keeps wandering back to thoughts of Her, Her cock and jerking-off. Maybe if i go get a cup of coffee.....
visions
Last night and again this morning, my masturbation fantasies were dominated by simple visions of Her as She was dressed last Thursday night.
That was a bit unusual for me, as my masturbation fantasies almost always revolve around some narrative playing out in my head. When i surf smut on the Net i much prefer story sites to picture sites.
Last Thursday, She appeared to be dressed as a retro pin-up girl from France in the 1920's, with a few modern twists that made it very contemporary, a little edgy.
She was stunningly sexy.
That was a bit unusual for me, as my masturbation fantasies almost always revolve around some narrative playing out in my head. When i surf smut on the Net i much prefer story sites to picture sites.
Last Thursday, She appeared to be dressed as a retro pin-up girl from France in the 1920's, with a few modern twists that made it very contemporary, a little edgy.
She was stunningly sexy.
danger, Will Robinson
i've recently come close to cumming while masturbating.
It happened yesterday while masturbating in the shower, and again this morning. i get lost in my fantasies and find myself snapping out of it only at the last second. Both times, i came to my senses just in time - so there was no "partial" orgasm. But i need to be more careful lest i lose control next time.
Her balls are aching again today, as they did yesterday. i wonder if coming so close to ejaculation is partially behind that?
It happened yesterday while masturbating in the shower, and again this morning. i get lost in my fantasies and find myself snapping out of it only at the last second. Both times, i came to my senses just in time - so there was no "partial" orgasm. But i need to be more careful lest i lose control next time.
Her balls are aching again today, as they did yesterday. i wonder if coming so close to ejaculation is partially behind that?
if wishes were fishes
i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now. i wish i could jerk-off right now.
She does not allow it.
She does not allow it.
starting week #2
i masturbated, as per Her directions, last night and again this morning.
As per the emerging pattern, i desperately wanted to go on each time, but stopped at the 15 minute mark.
my fantasies again revolved around living 24/7 under Her lock and key.
i also thought about how She is going on vacation soon and will be out of the country for a bit. i wonder what She will do with me while She is away?
As per the emerging pattern, i desperately wanted to go on each time, but stopped at the 15 minute mark.
my fantasies again revolved around living 24/7 under Her lock and key.
i also thought about how She is going on vacation soon and will be out of the country for a bit. i wonder what She will do with me while She is away?
return to distraction
i wanked for the required 15 minutes this morning, while reading a femdom story on-line. i don't dare read smut outside my two 15-minute windows, as the prohibition on wanking would make it a miserable, frustrating experience. Not surprisingly, i have cut way back on reading and watching erotica of any kind. But i can't say i miss it that much. My whole day, every day, is now eroticized by virtue of my cock (now Her cock) under Her control 24/7.
The 15 minutes this morning went by all too fast, and i was left longing for more. At this very moment, i am desperate to jerk-off.
The frustration from being denied permission to orgasm paired with the warm erotic glow generated by submitting to the denial makes for a very strange combination.
It's only been a little more than two days since i last had an orgasm, but once again i can feel myself being driven to distraction as the frustration mounts.
There is no doubt about it - i am a total masturbation slut.
The 15 minutes this morning went by all too fast, and i was left longing for more. At this very moment, i am desperate to jerk-off.
The frustration from being denied permission to orgasm paired with the warm erotic glow generated by submitting to the denial makes for a very strange combination.
It's only been a little more than two days since i last had an orgasm, but once again i can feel myself being driven to distraction as the frustration mounts.
There is no doubt about it - i am a total masturbation slut.
respect
i started masturbating in bed Saturday night, when my domestic partner came unexpectedly into the room to go to sleep. She (my domestic partner) is a bit uncomfortable with my masturbating when she is present. So, i stopped even though i had not completed 15 minutes.
We talked about her discomfort around this particular scenario several years ago, and i agreed to not masturbate in her company. i had/have no shame about masturbation. However, since i don't have any particular desire to wank specifically in her company and since it's an easy thing to avoid, i was happy to agree to avoid it for her sake.
I think (and hope) that She (the current owner of my cock) will agree. She has been immensely respectful of my domestic partner and family - going well out of Her way to make sure that nothing between Us/us gets in the way of my family - it's even written into the contract (!).
However, i will need to explicitly ask Her for direction about this.
We talked about her discomfort around this particular scenario several years ago, and i agreed to not masturbate in her company. i had/have no shame about masturbation. However, since i don't have any particular desire to wank specifically in her company and since it's an easy thing to avoid, i was happy to agree to avoid it for her sake.
I think (and hope) that She (the current owner of my cock) will agree. She has been immensely respectful of my domestic partner and family - going well out of Her way to make sure that nothing between Us/us gets in the way of my family - it's even written into the contract (!).
However, i will need to explicitly ask Her for direction about this.
the comfort of control
As i started masturbating Friday night and again on Saturday morning i definitely felt like i was being forced back into the confines of Her rules.
However, after the initial surprise and discomfort of being back into the straight jacket, i felt a warm comfortable glow come over me. It seemed like by virtue of feeling Her control over me, i felt her presence in my life. i felt close to her, part of her world.
Saturday morning, my fantasy was all Her all the time.
However, after the initial surprise and discomfort of being back into the straight jacket, i felt a warm comfortable glow come over me. It seemed like by virtue of feeling Her control over me, i felt her presence in my life. i felt close to her, part of her world.
Saturday morning, my fantasy was all Her all the time.
instant replay
Friday night i masturbated as per Her standing instructions.
i replayed the events of Friday morning over and over in my head. The vision of Her pussy hovering above me seems seared in my brain.
i could have kept wanking for hours - but the limit held me to the usual 15 minutes.
i replayed the events of Friday morning over and over in my head. The vision of Her pussy hovering above me seems seared in my brain.
i could have kept wanking for hours - but the limit held me to the usual 15 minutes.
lucky ducky
i was at Her house Thusday night, and i didn't masturbate as She kept Her cock caged the whole time.
Friday morning, She did permit me masturbate, in front of her.
i'm not sure if She wants details about Herself in this journal. so i will write only minimally about Her involvement in playing with me and supervising my masturbation. Moreover, since this journal is a means of reporting to Her, i won't repeat much of what She already knows.
As a whole it was an extremely intense experience, straight out of my most fervid fantasies. i felt intense waves of submission and humiliation wash over me. i was and am so incredibly happy.
There were two minor threads of the experience that were not necessarily visible to Her. So, i will detail those:
The first is that my hands were very dry (from having just finished cleaning Her bathroom), and as a result Her cock chaffed from the masturbation, creating a cross cutting sensation of irritation. And when Her cock became wet from the urine, the chaffing became even worse. So, much of the delicious euphoria i experienced derived from my situation, not the physical masturbation.
The second is that licking up my cum off the bottum of the bathtub was a transcendant moment for me. Being forced to eat my own cum is one of favorite fantasies, but also one of the hardest things to do in practice. The cum is, of course, salty, bitter, and slimey - not an appealing offering for me under normal circumstance. More importantly, i am often distant from my sexual side immediately after cumming. and since my submissive nature is connected only to my sexuality, i sometimes struggle with submission after having cum.
Friday morning, however, when i found myself on my knees in the bottom of a bathtub, covered in piss, sexually spent, and bound by a contract that specified my 24/7 submission (and her 24/7 domination), i was almost shocked back into submission by Her command to start licking. And as i set myself to the task of obeying Her, i quickly found myself wanting to please Her. And that in turn led to being eager to find and lick up all of the cum.
With Her prompting i had passed through the challenge, and recovered my submissive nature. i think the transendance was also driven by having been allowed to cum only once in several days and by having my submissive role so clearly defined and upheld by Her
i must be the luckiest submissive on the planet.
Friday morning, She did permit me masturbate, in front of her.
i'm not sure if She wants details about Herself in this journal. so i will write only minimally about Her involvement in playing with me and supervising my masturbation. Moreover, since this journal is a means of reporting to Her, i won't repeat much of what She already knows.
As a whole it was an extremely intense experience, straight out of my most fervid fantasies. i felt intense waves of submission and humiliation wash over me. i was and am so incredibly happy.
There were two minor threads of the experience that were not necessarily visible to Her. So, i will detail those:
The first is that my hands were very dry (from having just finished cleaning Her bathroom), and as a result Her cock chaffed from the masturbation, creating a cross cutting sensation of irritation. And when Her cock became wet from the urine, the chaffing became even worse. So, much of the delicious euphoria i experienced derived from my situation, not the physical masturbation.
The second is that licking up my cum off the bottum of the bathtub was a transcendant moment for me. Being forced to eat my own cum is one of favorite fantasies, but also one of the hardest things to do in practice. The cum is, of course, salty, bitter, and slimey - not an appealing offering for me under normal circumstance. More importantly, i am often distant from my sexual side immediately after cumming. and since my submissive nature is connected only to my sexuality, i sometimes struggle with submission after having cum.
Friday morning, however, when i found myself on my knees in the bottom of a bathtub, covered in piss, sexually spent, and bound by a contract that specified my 24/7 submission (and her 24/7 domination), i was almost shocked back into submission by Her command to start licking. And as i set myself to the task of obeying Her, i quickly found myself wanting to please Her. And that in turn led to being eager to find and lick up all of the cum.
With Her prompting i had passed through the challenge, and recovered my submissive nature. i think the transendance was also driven by having been allowed to cum only once in several days and by having my submissive role so clearly defined and upheld by Her
i must be the luckiest submissive on the planet.
morning at work
i'm squirming in my seat at my desk this morning. i'd be masturbating for sure right now if i weren't otherwise prohibited from doing so.
driving to distraction
last night i masturbated for the full 15 minutes minutes, again enjoying the wanking much more than i would have in the past. However, i was pulled up short by the time limit, and had to suddenly stop when i would have otherwise kept on wanking.
i continued my fantasy of being sold by her - it seems like the ultimate straw, the final domination, to be converted into cash by Her when through with me, and to find myself bound to submission under another woman because it was Her will.
This morning, i woke up and instantly started thinking about how i could masturbate in the shower. The 15 minute allotments are beginning to be precious moments that i hunger for throughout the day.
The fallout from not being allowed to cum is also beginning to mount. i live 24/7 in a semi-constant state of arousal, my thoughts constantly turn back to my condition and Her domination over me, with Her cock swelling and pulsing throughout the day. it has not yet gotten to the point of driving me to frantic distraction, but i wonder when that stage will come.
i continued my fantasy of being sold by her - it seems like the ultimate straw, the final domination, to be converted into cash by Her when through with me, and to find myself bound to submission under another woman because it was Her will.
This morning, i woke up and instantly started thinking about how i could masturbate in the shower. The 15 minute allotments are beginning to be precious moments that i hunger for throughout the day.
The fallout from not being allowed to cum is also beginning to mount. i live 24/7 in a semi-constant state of arousal, my thoughts constantly turn back to my condition and Her domination over me, with Her cock swelling and pulsing throughout the day. it has not yet gotten to the point of driving me to frantic distraction, but i wonder when that stage will come.
revelation
While masturbating in the shower this morning i realized that usually i jerk off only in order to cum. Or, that is, that's what i used to do.
That might seem like stating the obvious, the normal mode. And maybe it is, for most boys, anyways. But i never realized it for myself. In the past, i didn't masturbate for the pleasure of the wanking, rather it was almost always a means to get right to the finale, the orgasm.
That changed today. And the change came out of series of events that started last night, when i got an email from Her: "..... good job with the blog.... Call me Wednesday 2/4 (am/pm) before you masturbate."
i immediately got excited, thinking that maybe, when i called, She would give me to permission to cum. i was also surprised. i had expected more suffering before being allowed to cum. But, in an odd way, i had been looking forward to the suffering. Goddess help me.
So, i called Her the next morning, just before heading into the shower (where i usually masturbate in the morning). However, in the event, She only checked-in with me. She did not give me permission to cum, though it was deeply satisfying to hear her voice. [i am hoplessly addicted.]
So, into the shower i went. As i started to masturbate, i immediately entered my usual mind-set, wanking very quickly and thinking about how fast i could get to the "good part," the orgasm. Of course, Her instructions stopped me short. And that's when it struck me - when i jerk off, i usually look ahead straight to the orgasm. There have been many times in my life when i masturbated at length and enjoyed every minute of it - but that was not the norm for me, and it was never done consciously.
As i continued masturbate in the shower, i realized that i wasn't going anywhere - i had a full 15 minutes of masturbation ahead of me. and i started wanking at a much more measured pace. i also started to vary the rhythm, moved by the rhythm of my fantasy instead of being driven by an urge to orgasm as soon as possible. [my fantasy this time was being "sold" by Her to one of Her friends once she lost interest in me]. i also started paying much more attention the small jolts of pleasure that ran up and down Her cock and balls. All this made me insanely turned-on. Pleasure was simply coursing through me. It was one of the best masturbation sessions of my life.
That might seem like stating the obvious, the normal mode. And maybe it is, for most boys, anyways. But i never realized it for myself. In the past, i didn't masturbate for the pleasure of the wanking, rather it was almost always a means to get right to the finale, the orgasm.
That changed today. And the change came out of series of events that started last night, when i got an email from Her: "..... good job with the blog.... Call me Wednesday 2/4 (am/pm) before you masturbate."
i immediately got excited, thinking that maybe, when i called, She would give me to permission to cum. i was also surprised. i had expected more suffering before being allowed to cum. But, in an odd way, i had been looking forward to the suffering. Goddess help me.
So, i called Her the next morning, just before heading into the shower (where i usually masturbate in the morning). However, in the event, She only checked-in with me. She did not give me permission to cum, though it was deeply satisfying to hear her voice. [i am hoplessly addicted.]
So, into the shower i went. As i started to masturbate, i immediately entered my usual mind-set, wanking very quickly and thinking about how fast i could get to the "good part," the orgasm. Of course, Her instructions stopped me short. And that's when it struck me - when i jerk off, i usually look ahead straight to the orgasm. There have been many times in my life when i masturbated at length and enjoyed every minute of it - but that was not the norm for me, and it was never done consciously.
As i continued masturbate in the shower, i realized that i wasn't going anywhere - i had a full 15 minutes of masturbation ahead of me. and i started wanking at a much more measured pace. i also started to vary the rhythm, moved by the rhythm of my fantasy instead of being driven by an urge to orgasm as soon as possible. [my fantasy this time was being "sold" by Her to one of Her friends once she lost interest in me]. i also started paying much more attention the small jolts of pleasure that ran up and down Her cock and balls. All this made me insanely turned-on. Pleasure was simply coursing through me. It was one of the best masturbation sessions of my life.
not good
Last night i failed to follow my instructions.
It wasn't for the lack of spirit. The "flesh was weak," though not in the usual sense. i didn't cum. Rather, i was exhausted when i went to bed, and when i had to pause during my masturbation i fell asleep (!) i'm not sure how long i masturbated, but there's no way i wanked for the full 15 minutes.
i'm a bit worried about Her reaction when She reads this entry. She might feel punishment is in order, or She might decide that cumming can't be all that important to me if i can't even stay awake to masturbate. Yikes.
while i masturbated, i fantasized again about the usual things - serving Her pussy, being Her toilet, living in a cage. it feels repetitive to write it down, but there it is.
It wasn't for the lack of spirit. The "flesh was weak," though not in the usual sense. i didn't cum. Rather, i was exhausted when i went to bed, and when i had to pause during my masturbation i fell asleep (!) i'm not sure how long i masturbated, but there's no way i wanked for the full 15 minutes.
i'm a bit worried about Her reaction when She reads this entry. She might feel punishment is in order, or She might decide that cumming can't be all that important to me if i can't even stay awake to masturbate. Yikes.
while i masturbated, i fantasized again about the usual things - serving Her pussy, being Her toilet, living in a cage. it feels repetitive to write it down, but there it is.
counting my blessings
A lot has happened in the last 24 hours. and i may need a few entries to journal it all.
i masturbated, as per direction, yesterday morning for 15 minutes. But, as it happened, it wasn't easy that particular morning to find a solid stretch of 15 minutes of time and privacy. And i realized that, though i am used to masturbating daily or more frequently, i usually jerk-off very quickly, cumming within just a few minutes.
And being so quick about it in the past, meant that i could do it almost any time and anywhere. But now, with the direction to wank for 15 minutes at a stretch, i will have to think ahead to find the right time and place. a mundane realization, i suppose, but there it is.
Later in the day, i asked Her by email if i was allowed to masturbate (without cumming, of course) outside the morning and evening windows when i was definitely supposed to masturbate, and i received this reply (in part):
"This is correct you are not to masturbate outside that window."
As i read Her reply, a sense of being boxed-in, of tightening control, washed over me, accompanied [of course] by an erotic rush. And immediately afterward, Her dick started to swell and i got an urge to wank. Of course, i couldn't do that. So i was even more aware of her restriction on me. And that fed back into another erotic shiver, and so forth.
what a lucky submissive i am!
i masturbated, as per direction, yesterday morning for 15 minutes. But, as it happened, it wasn't easy that particular morning to find a solid stretch of 15 minutes of time and privacy. And i realized that, though i am used to masturbating daily or more frequently, i usually jerk-off very quickly, cumming within just a few minutes.
And being so quick about it in the past, meant that i could do it almost any time and anywhere. But now, with the direction to wank for 15 minutes at a stretch, i will have to think ahead to find the right time and place. a mundane realization, i suppose, but there it is.
Later in the day, i asked Her by email if i was allowed to masturbate (without cumming, of course) outside the morning and evening windows when i was definitely supposed to masturbate, and i received this reply (in part):
"This is correct you are not to masturbate outside that window."
As i read Her reply, a sense of being boxed-in, of tightening control, washed over me, accompanied [of course] by an erotic rush. And immediately afterward, Her dick started to swell and i got an urge to wank. Of course, i couldn't do that. So i was even more aware of her restriction on me. And that fed back into another erotic shiver, and so forth.
what a lucky submissive i am!
maybe it's just me
When i got the email below, my heart started thumping. It was such a rush that i couldn't finish it in one reading.
But, it also caused a little panic. i am a compulsive masturbator (like any red-blooded American male). and i know only too well from previous experience that when i can't cum, i get desperate. i can't concentrate at work, i can't relax at home, i can't think about anything else.
In a few moments, the panic passed, and a deep sense of completion overcame me. i felt like my dick was no longer mine. She had taken total control. As this feeling sunk in, Her dick started getting hard.
i masturbated last night in bed before going to sleep, and it was perfect. i fantasized about the usual topics, living as Her slave, as Her dog, etc. but it was so much more erotic than ever before. Masturbating at Her direction, under Her control, is a whole different experience. The event is an particularly dramatic expression of Her sexual power, Her domination over me. And somewhere along the line the act of submission has become completely eroticized for me. i've read that with $30,00o and ten years of therapy i might be able to re-program myself, but what exactly would be the point of that?
It wasn't hard to keep from cumming, though it was impossible to masturbate without stopping frequently to avoid it.
The next morning (this morning as i write) i wanked in the shower for the required time, and Her dick was startlingly hard. The last time i had jerked-off was two days ago on Saturday (and i had been looking forward to jerking off Sunday night just before i got Her email). Again, it wasn't hard to avoid cumming, but i had to stop frequently and think about something else.
All day today (my first full day with Her in full control of Her dick), i've been filled with the constant sense of submission, of being controlled 24/7. It's a wonderful feeling. Her dick actually feels like it's not quite part of my body. i have a strong sense that, although connected, it is somehow separate. i am constantly aware of it, constantly feeling it swell, constantly feeling Her will, constantly feeling erotic. The next time i see Her, i will have to ask if i can kiss Her feet in gratitude.
i do have one question that i need to ask Her: it's not clear if i can masturbate (without cumming, of course) outside the prescribed 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes in the evening. You might ask why i would do that, given how it might make me a nervous wreck. all i can say is that when it comes to mastubation, i am a complete slut. That said, i could see myself wanking for hours if i couldn't cum - not to mention that i would probably be all the happier if my masturbation was controlled even further. In any event, i going to assume that i can only masturbate at the prescribed times, until I can ask Her. Better safe than sorry.
i think that's it. all i need to do is send Her a link to this site - it's private for now, but i wonder if She would like to invite a friend or two of Hers to follow this blog. Or perhaps She'd like to make the blog public (!)
But, it also caused a little panic. i am a compulsive masturbator (like any red-blooded American male). and i know only too well from previous experience that when i can't cum, i get desperate. i can't concentrate at work, i can't relax at home, i can't think about anything else.
In a few moments, the panic passed, and a deep sense of completion overcame me. i felt like my dick was no longer mine. She had taken total control. As this feeling sunk in, Her dick started getting hard.
i masturbated last night in bed before going to sleep, and it was perfect. i fantasized about the usual topics, living as Her slave, as Her dog, etc. but it was so much more erotic than ever before. Masturbating at Her direction, under Her control, is a whole different experience. The event is an particularly dramatic expression of Her sexual power, Her domination over me. And somewhere along the line the act of submission has become completely eroticized for me. i've read that with $30,00o and ten years of therapy i might be able to re-program myself, but what exactly would be the point of that?
It wasn't hard to keep from cumming, though it was impossible to masturbate without stopping frequently to avoid it.
The next morning (this morning as i write) i wanked in the shower for the required time, and Her dick was startlingly hard. The last time i had jerked-off was two days ago on Saturday (and i had been looking forward to jerking off Sunday night just before i got Her email). Again, it wasn't hard to avoid cumming, but i had to stop frequently and think about something else.
All day today (my first full day with Her in full control of Her dick), i've been filled with the constant sense of submission, of being controlled 24/7. It's a wonderful feeling. Her dick actually feels like it's not quite part of my body. i have a strong sense that, although connected, it is somehow separate. i am constantly aware of it, constantly feeling it swell, constantly feeling Her will, constantly feeling erotic. The next time i see Her, i will have to ask if i can kiss Her feet in gratitude.
i do have one question that i need to ask Her: it's not clear if i can masturbate (without cumming, of course) outside the prescribed 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes in the evening. You might ask why i would do that, given how it might make me a nervous wreck. all i can say is that when it comes to mastubation, i am a complete slut. That said, i could see myself wanking for hours if i couldn't cum - not to mention that i would probably be all the happier if my masturbation was controlled even further. In any event, i going to assume that i can only masturbate at the prescribed times, until I can ask Her. Better safe than sorry.
i think that's it. all i need to do is send Her a link to this site - it's private for now, but i wonder if She would like to invite a friend or two of Hers to follow this blog. Or perhaps She'd like to make the blog public (!)
how it starts
I've set up this blog to journal my daily masturbation, as directed by S. in part of an email I received from her last night, Feb. 1, 2009:
".... I bet you want to jerk off right now, don't you? Hold off ... DON'T DO IT!"
".... I bet you want to jerk off right now, don't you? Hold off ... DON'T DO IT!"
"From this night forth, Unless otherwise indicated in our contract, with exception of family and work related activities, I control when and how often you cum, and what you do with at cum afterwards, in the next 2 months. After all, I OWN your cock and cum-filled balls, and I will decide when - or if - you ever get to have the pleasure of cumming while thinking about me, or servicing me, or watching or hearing about me and my lovers. "
"From this day forth, I also want you to jerk off for 15 minutes each morning and each evening - but do NOT cum. If you are about to cum, stop, and then restart playing with yourself. You must learn self control - and know that you ONLY cum when I say so - and not at any other time."
"I want you to start keeping a daily journal of how you are thinking of me, and your progress in controlling yourself."
"I want you to be honest about what you think about, both throughout the day as you struggle to control your urges, and more specifically when you are playing with yourself. If you fail me and cum without my permission, you must admit it and tell me in your journal. YOU Will do this... Right?"
"I will ask for your journal at any time. If you please me with your journal, I may allow you to cum in my presence while I am standing looking down at you, I may order you then, lick your cum up off my floor, or... I know you, my pussy slut, will have no problem doing this for your Mistress. Right?......."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)