how it doesn't work

The "indefinite" extension of my contract with S. caught me by surprise. And now i have a complicated date coming up.

Long-time readers of this blog (of which there are none!) know that my contracts with S. have been far and few between. And even then they have been short-term, one-time things. S. has a very busy life, and while She counts me as a good friend and loved one, and has told me as much, Our/our paths don't overlap very often.

So, when She agreed to this last contract and set it at 10 days, i thought that 10 days would be the end of it. Obviously, i was wrong.

For the last couple of years i have very much been on the hunt for a regular lover/friend, someone i would be with regularly, week in and week out, meet after work regularly, travel with, make plans with, (and, yes, have frequent sex together): a "secondary" in poly lingo. This is important to me, and recently i have re-doubled my efforts, trying to meet as many people as possible (and have gone on a helluva a lot of OKCupid dates as a result).

Ironically, it was how my relationship with S. evolved that put me onto this course. Being with Her made me understand how much i need another partner in my life and how much i wanted it to be S., but it also made me understand that it can not be S. For a while i was quite heartbroken about it. however, i moved on emotionally and managed not to fuck up my relationship with S. in doing so. and i feel that i'm now in a good place with S.

Another lesson that being with S. taught me was that i should be dating people who are in the same boat as me, i.e. they have a primary and can commit to a secondary in their life. So, my OKCupid dates have been almost exclusively with partnered/poly women.

i recently had a date with one such woman, L. i like her, and it seems like there is the possibility for something serious. One never knows, but it seems like the possibility is as much as one could reasonably glean from a first date. And now we have a second date set up this coming Thursday.

The last time i was in a similar situation, with C., i told C. about my contract with S., but the situation with L. is definitely different. we are clearly sizing each other up with the idea the cards might hold more than a NSA arrangement. At the same time neither of us have "laid our kink cards on the table," as Dan Savage would say.

Yesterday i got an email from S., giving me new instructions. [see whole thread below]. i responded, and i asked Her for direction about what to tell L. S. replied but She did not tell me what to do. Nor did She ask me any questions. But She did remind me of a couple things including: "I remain solid in my intention of not impacting your life and relationships negatively."

It's only a 2nd date with L. so i don't want to make big deal about it. But i do think that, if i tell L., now, about my contract with S., it's possible that it could impact things "negatively" with L. It's also possible that it would not. Hell, it's possible it would be a positive. i just don't know. Also, it's not impossible that, this being a 2nd date, that L. might want to hook up. And i definitely don't want to lie to her about why i could not do that.

So, i think this my only course of action: go on the date. but say nothing, as that could impact things negatively. If L. pursues a hook-up, don't resist, because i know S. would not want me to lie to L, but i would know that i am breaking my contract with S.

And i have to tell all this to S. before hand.

an aside: i've wondered if the "indefinite" extension with S. signals a change in Her path and how i might integrate in Her life. i need to ask Her. but i don't think there has been a significant change. Even while making my contract "indefinite," She said it could be "a month or a week or a day." No hint of long-term in that. There have also been other clues: She recently passed on an opportunity to travel together in Germany. She had a family conflict, so i can't make too much of that, but even so She is not going to travel with me. During this contract there has not been very much time spent together (much like the past contracts). i know She is actively dating. And She has given me no other indication that her path has changed. And for my part, my knowledge hasn't changed that i should not be trying to make something "big and serious" happen with someone who is single and looking for a primary partner of Her own.

if/when this contract ends, and if/when i'm lucky enough to ask for another contract with S., i don't think i can ask for a contract if i'm seeing/talking with anyone else that has any possibility of being anything other than a NSA arrangement. Even telling S. upfront about who i am seeing (as i did this last time around) doesn't prevent the possibility that the contract would conflict. S. does not want to come between me anything else serious in my life, and for my part i don't want to be in the position of breaking a contract with S. as i am now. : (

Finally, i have to stop writing this post. i have to get back to work. S. would definitely not be happy if blogging about all this distracts me from my job!


> From: S.
> To: h
> Sent: Monday, June 3, 2013 5:57 PM
> Subject: Your assignment
>
> My dear h, Are you used to the idea of "being indefinite surrounded" yet?
> You have a temporary relief of duties for 48 hrs. Starting tomorrow ( Tuesday June 4th) 6 pm.
> This means that you will be back to your schedule of 6-8 pm, Thursday afternoon. Understood?
> S.
> Sent from my iPad


> Dear S.,
>
> Thank you for this relief.
>
> i am definitely not used to the idea yet, but i think that learning to deal with the tension/frustration is part of the submission. : )
>
> i wanted to ask you about my date with L. this coming Thursday. i mentioned my date with her to You just over a week ago. On Friday You asked me if i was going to see C. this week - and i told you no - but maybe You were thinking about L.?
>
> Anyways, this would be my 2nd date with L. And i have told her about You, quite a lot actually. : ) However, i have not told her about my current indefinite contract.
>
> i don't know that she would initiate anything this Thursday, but she might. And even if she didn't, it seems like i should tell her about the contract. i'm not sure how she will react. but i want to know how You would like me to handle it since You would be a big part of the story.
>
> : )
>
> Yours,
>
> h
>
>

From: S.
To: h
Sent: Monday, June 3, 2013 10:22 PM
Subject: Re: Your assignment

>Watch What You Ask For!
>Yes indeed, this is a package that comes with love, attention, and much much frustration!

>Just a reminder that the following important aspects of our contract have remained unchanged:
>1. I remain solid in my intention of not impacting your life and relationships negatively,
>2. I see you (not me) responsible in judging the impact of your actions
>3. you must be honest with me about your relationships and what you are doing with MY COCK.

>so, having said all this, you need to decide for yourself what you want to say and do with L. on Thursday :-)

>Let me know if you want to discuss this further and that this is creating more frustration for you!

>S.