Her balls are tender and swollen today. Right now, as i type, they lay plumped up, aching against my thigh.
Masturbating last night and again this morning was challenging. Whenever i started to think about Her, i immediately went right to the edge of cumming and had to stop wanking right away. i spent each 15 minute block stopping and starting, many, many times over.
If the schedule She has set for me does not change, i will get to cum tonight (!) And, now that i am closer to that moment, i have to actively stop myself from thinking about it or the frustration of being so close, yet so far, would rend me in half.
prayer
Technically i don't have much to journal about today, as i was not allowed to masturbate this morning or last night. i spent last night and this morning with S., and She kept Her cock locked the whole time and sent me off to work with Her cock locked in the cage.
i did masturbate yesterday morning, though. And that was, as is usual now, incredibly wonderful. Masturbating when and only when She says totally changes everything. i've written about this several times before, but there it is.
According to the every-other-day schedule She has put me on (for this week), last night would have been a night i could have cum when masturbating. However, that didn't happen (obviously). i asked if i could cum when masturbating tonight, but She said no, that i would have to wait until the next "every-other-day" which is tomorrow.
So, assuming that nothing changes (!), i will get to cum tomorrow night, but only after going four days without cumming. i find that i have to work hard to mentally pull myself together. Four days sure doesn't sound like much, but i'm afraid that i'm in such a state that i might otherwise freak out. yes, that probably meets the technical definition of a slut: someone who absolutely has to have it. but i am what i am.
i find that i am now looking ahead on the calendar, identifying the days that i will be able to cum on the new schedule. However, that schedule runs out this weekend. And i only hope that She continues to let me cum on schedule after that. Dear Goddess, please, please, please, please, let it be so!
i did masturbate yesterday morning, though. And that was, as is usual now, incredibly wonderful. Masturbating when and only when She says totally changes everything. i've written about this several times before, but there it is.
According to the every-other-day schedule She has put me on (for this week), last night would have been a night i could have cum when masturbating. However, that didn't happen (obviously). i asked if i could cum when masturbating tonight, but She said no, that i would have to wait until the next "every-other-day" which is tomorrow.
So, assuming that nothing changes (!), i will get to cum tomorrow night, but only after going four days without cumming. i find that i have to work hard to mentally pull myself together. Four days sure doesn't sound like much, but i'm afraid that i'm in such a state that i might otherwise freak out. yes, that probably meets the technical definition of a slut: someone who absolutely has to have it. but i am what i am.
i find that i am now looking ahead on the calendar, identifying the days that i will be able to cum on the new schedule. However, that schedule runs out this weekend. And i only hope that She continues to let me cum on schedule after that. Dear Goddess, please, please, please, please, let it be so!
another day, another mystery (or two)
i got to jerk-off last night! Meaning that i got to masturbate AND cum.
It was incredibly, beautifully satisfying.
i caught my cum in a handkerchief, and it got soaked through and through, which was kind of surprising as She had let me cum twice two days before.
i was supremely happy, fulfilled and content, a rare feeling at any point in life.
Of course, after 15 minutes of masturbating this morning, i was back under the stricture of denial. It was a surprisingly harsh transition. Much harder than the first time i masturbated immediately after She first put me under Her denial several weeks ago.
This was also a bit surprising as i was wondering if perhaps the last two weeks would have conditioned me to go without - but instead it may have drained some of my capacity to endure. However, i think it's way too early to tell anything at all, either way.
It was incredibly, beautifully satisfying.
i caught my cum in a handkerchief, and it got soaked through and through, which was kind of surprising as She had let me cum twice two days before.
i was supremely happy, fulfilled and content, a rare feeling at any point in life.
Of course, after 15 minutes of masturbating this morning, i was back under the stricture of denial. It was a surprisingly harsh transition. Much harder than the first time i masturbated immediately after She first put me under Her denial several weeks ago.
This was also a bit surprising as i was wondering if perhaps the last two weeks would have conditioned me to go without - but instead it may have drained some of my capacity to endure. However, i think it's way too early to tell anything at all, either way.
to cum or not to cum, that is the question.
Wanking last night and again this morning was intense beyond words.
i was shuddering in bliss.
i was supposed to choose whether to cum in the mornings or the evenings (every other day). i chose evenings because i was instructed to call Her this morning in case She wanted me to come by, and somehow it seemed wrong to cum before going over to serve Her. However, i also serve Her in the evenings, so i don't know that my logic extends forward very far, but there it is.
i am allowed to cum tonight - i wonder what that will be like? i almost can't bear to think about it.
i was shuddering in bliss.
i was supposed to choose whether to cum in the mornings or the evenings (every other day). i chose evenings because i was instructed to call Her this morning in case She wanted me to come by, and somehow it seemed wrong to cum before going over to serve Her. However, i also serve Her in the evenings, so i don't know that my logic extends forward very far, but there it is.
i am allowed to cum tonight - i wonder what that will be like? i almost can't bear to think about it.
played by a virtuoso
Today feels surreal.
For the last 12 hours I've walked around in a happy daze, after having spent the night before with Mistress S.
After 15 days of denial and frustration that had me on the verge of panic more than once, i had one of the most fulfilling, erotic, nights of my life. If events had changed any faster i would have had whiplash.
Now, going forward, for the next week, She has instructed me to continue with my twice-daily masturbation, but i am allowed to cum once every other day (!), though i have to decide whether it will be during the morning masturbation sessions or the evening sessions.
one note for history: i learned that when i called Her last week [after being without contact for almost two weeks, and was summarily and casually dismissed within a minute,] that She was, in fact, entertaining a lover [whose cock was most assuredly not caged].
i feel like i am a violin, played by a virtuoso. She has me going in all directions, and i have no idea what is coming next.
For the last 12 hours I've walked around in a happy daze, after having spent the night before with Mistress S.
After 15 days of denial and frustration that had me on the verge of panic more than once, i had one of the most fulfilling, erotic, nights of my life. If events had changed any faster i would have had whiplash.
Now, going forward, for the next week, She has instructed me to continue with my twice-daily masturbation, but i am allowed to cum once every other day (!), though i have to decide whether it will be during the morning masturbation sessions or the evening sessions.
one note for history: i learned that when i called Her last week [after being without contact for almost two weeks, and was summarily and casually dismissed within a minute,] that She was, in fact, entertaining a lover [whose cock was most assuredly not caged].
i feel like i am a violin, played by a virtuoso. She has me going in all directions, and i have no idea what is coming next.
déjà vu
Yesterday was challenging.
Her balls ached. i was desperate to cum all day. And it was gut wrenching when the 15 minutes was up and i had to stop masturbating.
i am just gutting it out from one day to the next.
my masturbation fantasies are pretty much exclusively about Her, and it is impossible to masturbate for 15 minutes straight without pausing several times in order to keep from cumming.
There was one new wrinkle yesterday.
When i go to dance class , i wear a snug thong under my dance leggings to hold Her cock and balls in place. However, yesterday, i found that it was not enough. When i spun or changed directions quickly, a sharp ache ran through Her balls as if they had been given a quick squeeze.
i am scheduled to see Her tonight, and am crossing my fingers Her plans don't change!
Her balls ached. i was desperate to cum all day. And it was gut wrenching when the 15 minutes was up and i had to stop masturbating.
i am just gutting it out from one day to the next.
my masturbation fantasies are pretty much exclusively about Her, and it is impossible to masturbate for 15 minutes straight without pausing several times in order to keep from cumming.
There was one new wrinkle yesterday.
When i go to dance class , i wear a snug thong under my dance leggings to hold Her cock and balls in place. However, yesterday, i found that it was not enough. When i spun or changed directions quickly, a sharp ache ran through Her balls as if they had been given a quick squeeze.
i am scheduled to see Her tonight, and am crossing my fingers Her plans don't change!
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