i masturbated this morning for my required 15 minutes, and found myself thinking about a short phone conversation i had yesterday with Mistress S.
She has recently been overseas for a while and was due back yesterday. But just before She left town, She told me to reserve last night for Her and to call after Her plane landed. Since then i have not heard from Her.
So, when yesterday (Thursday) finally rolled around i called, as per Her instructions. She picked up my call and accepted my pleasantries. Then She immediately asked about my schedule over the weekend. i let Her know that i was free on Friday and Sunday. She said We/we could get together Sunday and that We/we could talk then. At that point, the call was clearly over, so i said goodbye.
In the moment, i was crushed, of course. i have been starving for Her attention and was living in hope of seeing Her last night. So, when She answered the phone, it was like suddenly seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. But when the call ended almost as soon as it had begun, the light immediately winked out, as if the door to the tunnel entrance up ahead had been slammed shut and locked.
But then i WANT to be treated like that. Or perhaps more accurately i want to be under the thumb of someone who talks to me only when She wants to, and then for only as long as She wants to, and not for one second longer. And She isn't going to worry how i might react. She is going to be how She wants to be, and do what She wants to do. Nothing more, nothing less. No second guessing, no reading between the lines. It is what it is.
The terms of Our/our contract are clear. My role is to serve Her, not the other way around. And the call last night was a good example of that.
So, while i was crushed in the moment, by this morning i was wanking to the memory of the phone call.
She is the gift that keeps on giving!
rough night
Last night it was pretty hard to stop masturbating.
In recent days the frustration from denial has gotten to the point that the only time during the day when i am not stressed out is when i am masturbating. Everything is fine when i am wanking. In fact it's more than fine, it's fantastic. i have to pause every minute or so just to keep from cumming. But when i'm not masturbating, i'm plain stressed out.
So, when the 15 minutes were up last night i came close to freaking out. i also came close to the breaking point last Sunday, but managed to pull myself back from the edge. Last night, i stopped wanking, of course. But it was gut wrenching, and then the on-going stress kicked back in again, only worse.
i'm very lucky to be in this situation, and confronting my feelings and desires has definitely helped me to grow and understand myself. But i've yet to resolve the growing stress. So apparently there's still plenty of "opportunity for personal growth." ;)
In recent days the frustration from denial has gotten to the point that the only time during the day when i am not stressed out is when i am masturbating. Everything is fine when i am wanking. In fact it's more than fine, it's fantastic. i have to pause every minute or so just to keep from cumming. But when i'm not masturbating, i'm plain stressed out.
So, when the 15 minutes were up last night i came close to freaking out. i also came close to the breaking point last Sunday, but managed to pull myself back from the edge. Last night, i stopped wanking, of course. But it was gut wrenching, and then the on-going stress kicked back in again, only worse.
i'm very lucky to be in this situation, and confronting my feelings and desires has definitely helped me to grow and understand myself. But i've yet to resolve the growing stress. So apparently there's still plenty of "opportunity for personal growth." ;)
days of dualism
Another day, another round of masturbation without cumming. The daily stress, tension and distraction continues. Her balls still ache. The wonderful sense of being controlled and dominated endures. What a crazed life :)
Mistress S. gets back into town tomorrow, and there's a good chance i will get to see Her. So, not surprisingly, my masturbation fantasies last night and this morning were all about Her.
Mistress S. gets back into town tomorrow, and there's a good chance i will get to see Her. So, not surprisingly, my masturbation fantasies last night and this morning were all about Her.
gender bending
i went out for drinks with L. last night. Mistress S.' cock was locked in the cage, and i left the key back at home - as per Her instructions.
i had a good time, but i was reminded a bit why things never took off between L. and i before.
The conversation was a bit stiff, and i found that i had to do most of the talking and leading to keep things going. L. was a very passive conversation partner for long stretches (i feel awkward writing this because it seems critical of L. and she might very well take it that way if she ever reads this.)
At the same time it seemed pretty clear from her eye contact and body language and her enthusiasm at a very key moments that she was into hanging with me, and possibly in playing with me.
However, that combination of a woman who's interested in me, but is very passive when it comes to personal/intellectual interaction kinda irritates me. i want someone who engages with me, and if she's no good for that, then it feels like all she is good for is fucking. It makes me want to grab her by the hair, throw her onto her knees, push her head to the ground, take her from behind, and then walk away. And i don't give a damn whether she cums or not.
Ahem....so, anyways, when i got home last night, i took off the cage and masturbated as per Her directions. And L. was nowhere to be found in my fantasy. It was S., S., and more S.
And this morning's masturbation was more of the same.
As i type right now Her balls are swollen and tender. i often sit cross legged, my knees folded on top of each other, but when i do that now Her balls feels as if they are being squeezed.
It's kinda ironic that i have to stop the "girly" practice of crossing my legs, and instead sit in the "manly" open crotch spread. i suppose there's some pithy insight on gender bending to be made here, but it escapes me at the moment.
Looking forward to masturbating tonight!
i had a good time, but i was reminded a bit why things never took off between L. and i before.
The conversation was a bit stiff, and i found that i had to do most of the talking and leading to keep things going. L. was a very passive conversation partner for long stretches (i feel awkward writing this because it seems critical of L. and she might very well take it that way if she ever reads this.)
At the same time it seemed pretty clear from her eye contact and body language and her enthusiasm at a very key moments that she was into hanging with me, and possibly in playing with me.
However, that combination of a woman who's interested in me, but is very passive when it comes to personal/intellectual interaction kinda irritates me. i want someone who engages with me, and if she's no good for that, then it feels like all she is good for is fucking. It makes me want to grab her by the hair, throw her onto her knees, push her head to the ground, take her from behind, and then walk away. And i don't give a damn whether she cums or not.
Ahem....so, anyways, when i got home last night, i took off the cage and masturbated as per Her directions. And L. was nowhere to be found in my fantasy. It was S., S., and more S.
And this morning's masturbation was more of the same.
As i type right now Her balls are swollen and tender. i often sit cross legged, my knees folded on top of each other, but when i do that now Her balls feels as if they are being squeezed.
It's kinda ironic that i have to stop the "girly" practice of crossing my legs, and instead sit in the "manly" open crotch spread. i suppose there's some pithy insight on gender bending to be made here, but it escapes me at the moment.
Looking forward to masturbating tonight!
a different day
What a difference a day makes.
i masturbated last night and again this morning, as per Her instructions. I still feel tense and desperate, and Her balls are swollen and ache. However, the edge of frustration that verged on panic yesterday, Sunday, is completely gone . Maybe it's because I have a full day of work in front me that is commanding my attention. If so, i need to keep on keeping busy.
An emerging theme to my fantasies, that played out while wanking last night and this morning, is looking forward to being unlocked and allowed to jerk off in front of Her, on Her bathroom floor, and then having to clean Her floor with my tongue, licking up my cum. i used to fantasize about more "sex" than that. But, not surprisingly, given my fetish to conform to Her desires and my relative inability to fantasy about the impossible, my fantasies are focusing on what She has allowed to date.
i masturbated last night and again this morning, as per Her instructions. I still feel tense and desperate, and Her balls are swollen and ache. However, the edge of frustration that verged on panic yesterday, Sunday, is completely gone . Maybe it's because I have a full day of work in front me that is commanding my attention. If so, i need to keep on keeping busy.
An emerging theme to my fantasies, that played out while wanking last night and this morning, is looking forward to being unlocked and allowed to jerk off in front of Her, on Her bathroom floor, and then having to clean Her floor with my tongue, licking up my cum. i used to fantasize about more "sex" than that. But, not surprisingly, given my fetish to conform to Her desires and my relative inability to fantasy about the impossible, my fantasies are focusing on what She has allowed to date.
mind control
Today is a bit of challenge, as i find myself feeling quite desperate and on edge, my feelings dominated by frustration.
Earlier today i had one particularly bad moment, where i was feeling quite bad. It was so severe that it shook me up a bit, but on the flip side it woke me up to confronting my feelings, drawing my consciousness outward to where i had a bit more perspective instead of being so wrapped up in my feelings.
And in that moment, without denying what i was feeling, i was able to remind myself how lucky i am, that to live in erotic desperation is a gift that i could never have on my own (as a submissive slut who gets turned on by denial), that this may be a hard thing but it is also a *good thing* - the coin has two sides.
As i type this out, it sounds, even to my own ears, a little bit like self-brainwashing, but there it is.
However, and surprisingly, that intellectual exercise actually helped re-shape my feelings a bit. i'm still feeling frustrated, but it's not as bad. And writing out my feelings here in this blog, helps too, (yet another gift from Her!).
i'm going to dance class later today, where hopefully i can work out some more frustration. The teacher today is R., and her class is usually a very hard-working sweaty affair with a bunch of talented, enthusiastic dancers. i think i will focus on that, using it as a goal to get through the rest of the day.
Earlier today i had one particularly bad moment, where i was feeling quite bad. It was so severe that it shook me up a bit, but on the flip side it woke me up to confronting my feelings, drawing my consciousness outward to where i had a bit more perspective instead of being so wrapped up in my feelings.
And in that moment, without denying what i was feeling, i was able to remind myself how lucky i am, that to live in erotic desperation is a gift that i could never have on my own (as a submissive slut who gets turned on by denial), that this may be a hard thing but it is also a *good thing* - the coin has two sides.
As i type this out, it sounds, even to my own ears, a little bit like self-brainwashing, but there it is.
However, and surprisingly, that intellectual exercise actually helped re-shape my feelings a bit. i'm still feeling frustrated, but it's not as bad. And writing out my feelings here in this blog, helps too, (yet another gift from Her!).
i'm going to dance class later today, where hopefully i can work out some more frustration. The teacher today is R., and her class is usually a very hard-working sweaty affair with a bunch of talented, enthusiastic dancers. i think i will focus on that, using it as a goal to get through the rest of the day.
relativity of time
There was a woman in my dance exercise class yesterday that reminded me of Mistress S. She seems to have the same ethnic/racial background as S., and again like S., is beautiful and carries herself with a very strong and confident but gracious manner.
So, of course, i ended up masturbating about her last night and again this morning.
i haven't heard from S. since She left for Paris, which seems like a million years ago. One side effect of masturbating every day without cumming is that time is slowed down to a crawl - every day is an erotic trial.
i suspect that, in stark contrast, time is flying for S. and she is completely consumed by Paris. It's possible that She is ignoring me, but i think She has better ways to entertain Herself. She has only been gone a week. Either way, it's yet another delicious reminder of my status. i am desperate for Her attention, while She takes as She pleases.
So, of course, i ended up masturbating about her last night and again this morning.
i haven't heard from S. since She left for Paris, which seems like a million years ago. One side effect of masturbating every day without cumming is that time is slowed down to a crawl - every day is an erotic trial.
i suspect that, in stark contrast, time is flying for S. and she is completely consumed by Paris. It's possible that She is ignoring me, but i think She has better ways to entertain Herself. She has only been gone a week. Either way, it's yet another delicious reminder of my status. i am desperate for Her attention, while She takes as She pleases.
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