i was at Her house Thusday night, and i didn't masturbate as She kept Her cock caged the whole time.
Friday morning, She did permit me masturbate, in front of her.
i'm not sure if She wants details about Herself in this journal. so i will write only minimally about Her involvement in playing with me and supervising my masturbation. Moreover, since this journal is a means of reporting to Her, i won't repeat much of what She already knows.
As a whole it was an extremely intense experience, straight out of my most fervid fantasies. i felt intense waves of submission and humiliation wash over me. i was and am so incredibly happy.
There were two minor threads of the experience that were not necessarily visible to Her. So, i will detail those:
The first is that my hands were very dry (from having just finished cleaning Her bathroom), and as a result Her cock chaffed from the masturbation, creating a cross cutting sensation of irritation. And when Her cock became wet from the urine, the chaffing became even worse. So, much of the delicious euphoria i experienced derived from my situation, not the physical masturbation.
The second is that licking up my cum off the bottum of the bathtub was a transcendant moment for me. Being forced to eat my own cum is one of favorite fantasies, but also one of the hardest things to do in practice. The cum is, of course, salty, bitter, and slimey - not an appealing offering for me under normal circumstance. More importantly, i am often distant from my sexual side immediately after cumming. and since my submissive nature is connected only to my sexuality, i sometimes struggle with submission after having cum.
Friday morning, however, when i found myself on my knees in the bottom of a bathtub, covered in piss, sexually spent, and bound by a contract that specified my 24/7 submission (and her 24/7 domination), i was almost shocked back into submission by Her command to start licking. And as i set myself to the task of obeying Her, i quickly found myself wanting to please Her. And that in turn led to being eager to find and lick up all of the cum.
With Her prompting i had passed through the challenge, and recovered my submissive nature. i think the transendance was also driven by having been allowed to cum only once in several days and by having my submissive role so clearly defined and upheld by Her
i must be the luckiest submissive on the planet.
morning at work
i'm squirming in my seat at my desk this morning. i'd be masturbating for sure right now if i weren't otherwise prohibited from doing so.
driving to distraction
last night i masturbated for the full 15 minutes minutes, again enjoying the wanking much more than i would have in the past. However, i was pulled up short by the time limit, and had to suddenly stop when i would have otherwise kept on wanking.
i continued my fantasy of being sold by her - it seems like the ultimate straw, the final domination, to be converted into cash by Her when through with me, and to find myself bound to submission under another woman because it was Her will.
This morning, i woke up and instantly started thinking about how i could masturbate in the shower. The 15 minute allotments are beginning to be precious moments that i hunger for throughout the day.
The fallout from not being allowed to cum is also beginning to mount. i live 24/7 in a semi-constant state of arousal, my thoughts constantly turn back to my condition and Her domination over me, with Her cock swelling and pulsing throughout the day. it has not yet gotten to the point of driving me to frantic distraction, but i wonder when that stage will come.
i continued my fantasy of being sold by her - it seems like the ultimate straw, the final domination, to be converted into cash by Her when through with me, and to find myself bound to submission under another woman because it was Her will.
This morning, i woke up and instantly started thinking about how i could masturbate in the shower. The 15 minute allotments are beginning to be precious moments that i hunger for throughout the day.
The fallout from not being allowed to cum is also beginning to mount. i live 24/7 in a semi-constant state of arousal, my thoughts constantly turn back to my condition and Her domination over me, with Her cock swelling and pulsing throughout the day. it has not yet gotten to the point of driving me to frantic distraction, but i wonder when that stage will come.
revelation
While masturbating in the shower this morning i realized that usually i jerk off only in order to cum. Or, that is, that's what i used to do.
That might seem like stating the obvious, the normal mode. And maybe it is, for most boys, anyways. But i never realized it for myself. In the past, i didn't masturbate for the pleasure of the wanking, rather it was almost always a means to get right to the finale, the orgasm.
That changed today. And the change came out of series of events that started last night, when i got an email from Her: "..... good job with the blog.... Call me Wednesday 2/4 (am/pm) before you masturbate."
i immediately got excited, thinking that maybe, when i called, She would give me to permission to cum. i was also surprised. i had expected more suffering before being allowed to cum. But, in an odd way, i had been looking forward to the suffering. Goddess help me.
So, i called Her the next morning, just before heading into the shower (where i usually masturbate in the morning). However, in the event, She only checked-in with me. She did not give me permission to cum, though it was deeply satisfying to hear her voice. [i am hoplessly addicted.]
So, into the shower i went. As i started to masturbate, i immediately entered my usual mind-set, wanking very quickly and thinking about how fast i could get to the "good part," the orgasm. Of course, Her instructions stopped me short. And that's when it struck me - when i jerk off, i usually look ahead straight to the orgasm. There have been many times in my life when i masturbated at length and enjoyed every minute of it - but that was not the norm for me, and it was never done consciously.
As i continued masturbate in the shower, i realized that i wasn't going anywhere - i had a full 15 minutes of masturbation ahead of me. and i started wanking at a much more measured pace. i also started to vary the rhythm, moved by the rhythm of my fantasy instead of being driven by an urge to orgasm as soon as possible. [my fantasy this time was being "sold" by Her to one of Her friends once she lost interest in me]. i also started paying much more attention the small jolts of pleasure that ran up and down Her cock and balls. All this made me insanely turned-on. Pleasure was simply coursing through me. It was one of the best masturbation sessions of my life.
That might seem like stating the obvious, the normal mode. And maybe it is, for most boys, anyways. But i never realized it for myself. In the past, i didn't masturbate for the pleasure of the wanking, rather it was almost always a means to get right to the finale, the orgasm.
That changed today. And the change came out of series of events that started last night, when i got an email from Her: "..... good job with the blog.... Call me Wednesday 2/4 (am/pm) before you masturbate."
i immediately got excited, thinking that maybe, when i called, She would give me to permission to cum. i was also surprised. i had expected more suffering before being allowed to cum. But, in an odd way, i had been looking forward to the suffering. Goddess help me.
So, i called Her the next morning, just before heading into the shower (where i usually masturbate in the morning). However, in the event, She only checked-in with me. She did not give me permission to cum, though it was deeply satisfying to hear her voice. [i am hoplessly addicted.]
So, into the shower i went. As i started to masturbate, i immediately entered my usual mind-set, wanking very quickly and thinking about how fast i could get to the "good part," the orgasm. Of course, Her instructions stopped me short. And that's when it struck me - when i jerk off, i usually look ahead straight to the orgasm. There have been many times in my life when i masturbated at length and enjoyed every minute of it - but that was not the norm for me, and it was never done consciously.
As i continued masturbate in the shower, i realized that i wasn't going anywhere - i had a full 15 minutes of masturbation ahead of me. and i started wanking at a much more measured pace. i also started to vary the rhythm, moved by the rhythm of my fantasy instead of being driven by an urge to orgasm as soon as possible. [my fantasy this time was being "sold" by Her to one of Her friends once she lost interest in me]. i also started paying much more attention the small jolts of pleasure that ran up and down Her cock and balls. All this made me insanely turned-on. Pleasure was simply coursing through me. It was one of the best masturbation sessions of my life.
not good
Last night i failed to follow my instructions.
It wasn't for the lack of spirit. The "flesh was weak," though not in the usual sense. i didn't cum. Rather, i was exhausted when i went to bed, and when i had to pause during my masturbation i fell asleep (!) i'm not sure how long i masturbated, but there's no way i wanked for the full 15 minutes.
i'm a bit worried about Her reaction when She reads this entry. She might feel punishment is in order, or She might decide that cumming can't be all that important to me if i can't even stay awake to masturbate. Yikes.
while i masturbated, i fantasized again about the usual things - serving Her pussy, being Her toilet, living in a cage. it feels repetitive to write it down, but there it is.
It wasn't for the lack of spirit. The "flesh was weak," though not in the usual sense. i didn't cum. Rather, i was exhausted when i went to bed, and when i had to pause during my masturbation i fell asleep (!) i'm not sure how long i masturbated, but there's no way i wanked for the full 15 minutes.
i'm a bit worried about Her reaction when She reads this entry. She might feel punishment is in order, or She might decide that cumming can't be all that important to me if i can't even stay awake to masturbate. Yikes.
while i masturbated, i fantasized again about the usual things - serving Her pussy, being Her toilet, living in a cage. it feels repetitive to write it down, but there it is.
counting my blessings
A lot has happened in the last 24 hours. and i may need a few entries to journal it all.
i masturbated, as per direction, yesterday morning for 15 minutes. But, as it happened, it wasn't easy that particular morning to find a solid stretch of 15 minutes of time and privacy. And i realized that, though i am used to masturbating daily or more frequently, i usually jerk-off very quickly, cumming within just a few minutes.
And being so quick about it in the past, meant that i could do it almost any time and anywhere. But now, with the direction to wank for 15 minutes at a stretch, i will have to think ahead to find the right time and place. a mundane realization, i suppose, but there it is.
Later in the day, i asked Her by email if i was allowed to masturbate (without cumming, of course) outside the morning and evening windows when i was definitely supposed to masturbate, and i received this reply (in part):
"This is correct you are not to masturbate outside that window."
As i read Her reply, a sense of being boxed-in, of tightening control, washed over me, accompanied [of course] by an erotic rush. And immediately afterward, Her dick started to swell and i got an urge to wank. Of course, i couldn't do that. So i was even more aware of her restriction on me. And that fed back into another erotic shiver, and so forth.
what a lucky submissive i am!
i masturbated, as per direction, yesterday morning for 15 minutes. But, as it happened, it wasn't easy that particular morning to find a solid stretch of 15 minutes of time and privacy. And i realized that, though i am used to masturbating daily or more frequently, i usually jerk-off very quickly, cumming within just a few minutes.
And being so quick about it in the past, meant that i could do it almost any time and anywhere. But now, with the direction to wank for 15 minutes at a stretch, i will have to think ahead to find the right time and place. a mundane realization, i suppose, but there it is.
Later in the day, i asked Her by email if i was allowed to masturbate (without cumming, of course) outside the morning and evening windows when i was definitely supposed to masturbate, and i received this reply (in part):
"This is correct you are not to masturbate outside that window."
As i read Her reply, a sense of being boxed-in, of tightening control, washed over me, accompanied [of course] by an erotic rush. And immediately afterward, Her dick started to swell and i got an urge to wank. Of course, i couldn't do that. So i was even more aware of her restriction on me. And that fed back into another erotic shiver, and so forth.
what a lucky submissive i am!
maybe it's just me
When i got the email below, my heart started thumping. It was such a rush that i couldn't finish it in one reading.
But, it also caused a little panic. i am a compulsive masturbator (like any red-blooded American male). and i know only too well from previous experience that when i can't cum, i get desperate. i can't concentrate at work, i can't relax at home, i can't think about anything else.
In a few moments, the panic passed, and a deep sense of completion overcame me. i felt like my dick was no longer mine. She had taken total control. As this feeling sunk in, Her dick started getting hard.
i masturbated last night in bed before going to sleep, and it was perfect. i fantasized about the usual topics, living as Her slave, as Her dog, etc. but it was so much more erotic than ever before. Masturbating at Her direction, under Her control, is a whole different experience. The event is an particularly dramatic expression of Her sexual power, Her domination over me. And somewhere along the line the act of submission has become completely eroticized for me. i've read that with $30,00o and ten years of therapy i might be able to re-program myself, but what exactly would be the point of that?
It wasn't hard to keep from cumming, though it was impossible to masturbate without stopping frequently to avoid it.
The next morning (this morning as i write) i wanked in the shower for the required time, and Her dick was startlingly hard. The last time i had jerked-off was two days ago on Saturday (and i had been looking forward to jerking off Sunday night just before i got Her email). Again, it wasn't hard to avoid cumming, but i had to stop frequently and think about something else.
All day today (my first full day with Her in full control of Her dick), i've been filled with the constant sense of submission, of being controlled 24/7. It's a wonderful feeling. Her dick actually feels like it's not quite part of my body. i have a strong sense that, although connected, it is somehow separate. i am constantly aware of it, constantly feeling it swell, constantly feeling Her will, constantly feeling erotic. The next time i see Her, i will have to ask if i can kiss Her feet in gratitude.
i do have one question that i need to ask Her: it's not clear if i can masturbate (without cumming, of course) outside the prescribed 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes in the evening. You might ask why i would do that, given how it might make me a nervous wreck. all i can say is that when it comes to mastubation, i am a complete slut. That said, i could see myself wanking for hours if i couldn't cum - not to mention that i would probably be all the happier if my masturbation was controlled even further. In any event, i going to assume that i can only masturbate at the prescribed times, until I can ask Her. Better safe than sorry.
i think that's it. all i need to do is send Her a link to this site - it's private for now, but i wonder if She would like to invite a friend or two of Hers to follow this blog. Or perhaps She'd like to make the blog public (!)
But, it also caused a little panic. i am a compulsive masturbator (like any red-blooded American male). and i know only too well from previous experience that when i can't cum, i get desperate. i can't concentrate at work, i can't relax at home, i can't think about anything else.
In a few moments, the panic passed, and a deep sense of completion overcame me. i felt like my dick was no longer mine. She had taken total control. As this feeling sunk in, Her dick started getting hard.
i masturbated last night in bed before going to sleep, and it was perfect. i fantasized about the usual topics, living as Her slave, as Her dog, etc. but it was so much more erotic than ever before. Masturbating at Her direction, under Her control, is a whole different experience. The event is an particularly dramatic expression of Her sexual power, Her domination over me. And somewhere along the line the act of submission has become completely eroticized for me. i've read that with $30,00o and ten years of therapy i might be able to re-program myself, but what exactly would be the point of that?
It wasn't hard to keep from cumming, though it was impossible to masturbate without stopping frequently to avoid it.
The next morning (this morning as i write) i wanked in the shower for the required time, and Her dick was startlingly hard. The last time i had jerked-off was two days ago on Saturday (and i had been looking forward to jerking off Sunday night just before i got Her email). Again, it wasn't hard to avoid cumming, but i had to stop frequently and think about something else.
All day today (my first full day with Her in full control of Her dick), i've been filled with the constant sense of submission, of being controlled 24/7. It's a wonderful feeling. Her dick actually feels like it's not quite part of my body. i have a strong sense that, although connected, it is somehow separate. i am constantly aware of it, constantly feeling it swell, constantly feeling Her will, constantly feeling erotic. The next time i see Her, i will have to ask if i can kiss Her feet in gratitude.
i do have one question that i need to ask Her: it's not clear if i can masturbate (without cumming, of course) outside the prescribed 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes in the evening. You might ask why i would do that, given how it might make me a nervous wreck. all i can say is that when it comes to mastubation, i am a complete slut. That said, i could see myself wanking for hours if i couldn't cum - not to mention that i would probably be all the happier if my masturbation was controlled even further. In any event, i going to assume that i can only masturbate at the prescribed times, until I can ask Her. Better safe than sorry.
i think that's it. all i need to do is send Her a link to this site - it's private for now, but i wonder if She would like to invite a friend or two of Hers to follow this blog. Or perhaps She'd like to make the blog public (!)
how it starts
I've set up this blog to journal my daily masturbation, as directed by S. in part of an email I received from her last night, Feb. 1, 2009:
".... I bet you want to jerk off right now, don't you? Hold off ... DON'T DO IT!"
".... I bet you want to jerk off right now, don't you? Hold off ... DON'T DO IT!"
"From this night forth, Unless otherwise indicated in our contract, with exception of family and work related activities, I control when and how often you cum, and what you do with at cum afterwards, in the next 2 months. After all, I OWN your cock and cum-filled balls, and I will decide when - or if - you ever get to have the pleasure of cumming while thinking about me, or servicing me, or watching or hearing about me and my lovers. "
"From this day forth, I also want you to jerk off for 15 minutes each morning and each evening - but do NOT cum. If you are about to cum, stop, and then restart playing with yourself. You must learn self control - and know that you ONLY cum when I say so - and not at any other time."
"I want you to start keeping a daily journal of how you are thinking of me, and your progress in controlling yourself."
"I want you to be honest about what you think about, both throughout the day as you struggle to control your urges, and more specifically when you are playing with yourself. If you fail me and cum without my permission, you must admit it and tell me in your journal. YOU Will do this... Right?"
"I will ask for your journal at any time. If you please me with your journal, I may allow you to cum in my presence while I am standing looking down at you, I may order you then, lick your cum up off my floor, or... I know you, my pussy slut, will have no problem doing this for your Mistress. Right?......."
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