snatching defeat from the jaws of victory

Much to my surprise i was able to complete my masturbation assignment on the plane last night.

But it didn't look so good at first. Once i got on board i found that there was no way i could wank in my seat, even under the covers, as i had two seat mates in my row. There was also a long line at the bathrooms near my seat, but much to my surprise the bathrooms at the back of the plane were half-vacant. So in i went, and started to wank. i stopped masturbating a couple of times and left the bathroom in case someone needed to use it (since i knew She would not want me inconveniencing other passengers), but both times there was no one waiting and after hanging out for minute i went back in.

Masturbating in the airplane bathroom with my pants down at my knees and my ass up against the cold steel counter was yet another perfect moment in my submission to Her.

However, and i hate to write this, the next morning i failed to wank! i maybe could have wanked on the plane. i could certainly have found a stall at the train station after i landed. But in the hurry to get to my final destination, my assignment slipped from my mind. By the time i realized it, there was no way to get the assignment done without being late for my meeting in Bonn. And i knew that She would not be pleased if i let that happen.

i am a bit mad at myself. i had come so close to being perfect for the length of the contract, and there was no good reason for failing. Argh!!!!

another day, another dilemna

After cumming on wednesday, i now have only two free passes left to get through to the end of the contract, a stretch that is getting harder by the minute.

but i also still get to wank twice a day (without cumming, of courese), once in the evening and once in the morning. In fact i am supposed to wank twice a day, it's not optional.

i masturbated this morning, but as i sit at the airport here in San Francisco it's 2 PM, and i realize that by the time i land in Germany, it will already be morning. So, in order to obey the rule set down by S., i will have to wank on the plane. my mind is whirring. Could i do it in my seat? Will i have to go to the bathroom? Can i occupy a bathroom for 15 minutes?
What will the stewards think?

Oh, the life of a masturbation slut!

more looney tunes

It seems a bit repetitive to record the beginning part of this post, since i've journaled this same experience many times before. But it is what it is.

Masturbating this morning was yet another slice of heaven. It is nothing less than rapture to masturbate while under the control of S. i have never enjoyed masturbating this much in my entire life, and i doubt i ever will again.

While masturbating, i began fantasizing by thinking back to Wednesday's meeting with G.

i remembered one moment when she teased me, saying that she wished she had S.' flogger to beat me with. That started me on to fantasizing about being flogged by S. And that's when a strange thing happened.

i started thinking about S.' desire to hurt me, and i started getting incredibly turned on. i had to immediately stop wanking to keep from cumming. i was so hot that i had to wait a good bit before starting up again.

Never before have i been excited at the prospect of being beaten. And yet here i was, delirious with desire at the prospect of being flogged by S. And that's when it struck me. It wasn't the prospect of the pain that was so attractive (and having been flogged before, i know what it's like). It was the prospect of being a way for S. to act out Her desire to inflict pain that was so powerful.

i have been beaten by others, but never by someone who loves me. And being that i am in love with S., the prospect of being beaten by Her fills my heart with joy.

(did i mention that i am crazy?)

marathon man

after jerking off last night, i finally felt some relief. However, this morning, after wanking without cumming, i was back on the tension track.

The wanking itself was sublime. if only i could stay in that moment forever!

my trial of denial is feeling more like a grueling marathon, one that i am slowly grinding out till the end. the surges of eroticism that used to color my denial and fuel my spirit are far fewer and much milder.

my twice daily masturbation sessions are the two bright spots in my day - and they are amazing [often too amazing, as i still have to constantly stop wanking to keep from cumming!]. Being under the domination of S. is exactly where i want to be.

i'm not quite sure what is behind this shift. it could be that the burden gets heavier when the end is in sight. but when i imagine how i might manage if there were no expectation of relief in sight i quite panic.

It could be that the trial of frustration is dry and unsustaining when marked only by Her absence. but Her absence was even more absolute on her last trip, and the denial of that period was alternated by moments of near rapture even when not masturbating.

It could be that the length of the entire ordeal has finally touched upon the limit of my strength, and now i am weakening.

Perhaps it is all these things.

In any event, i do know with absolute certainty that i would not have it any other way. i am very proud of how i have responded to Her gift of domination. i feel as if i am in a state of grace.

a (very short) moment of peace

i used up my 2nd free pass last night, masturbating at night at home after seeing Mistress G. during the day.

it was such an incredible relief, an earth shuddering affair that instantly brought contentment down upon me, a feeling of peace that i haven't felt for a week. it even lasted till the next morning when i woke up. missing was the tension that has greeted me every morning for days now.

i jerked off while fantasizing about having my face buried in S.' pussy with G. fucking me in the ass from behind. it was an overwhelmingly powerful image. one that i had difficulty wanking to in the past because it seemed like an impossibility, but now....(!)

evil Buddha

Masturbating this morning was so such a stop-and-start affair that it verged on the absurd.

Seriously fantasizing about anything now brings me to the point of orgasm within seconds. It's actually quite frustrating, as masturbating was one of the few times during the day when i could feel totally relaxed and peaceful. Now, i can't even enjoy masturbating!

however, unless something goes amiss, tomorrow i get to cum!

i want tomorrow so bad that i have to put it out of mind, or i find myself getting freaked out. There's nothing i can do to hurry it up. It's like some evil Buddhist practice to teach patience.

tomorrow (!)

The experience of the last couple of days have once again been that dynamic mix of frustration alternating with erotic pleasure.

Although i still have "two-free passes" to use Her cock with another woman in the final days of Our/our contract while She is traveling, i still don't expect to have any opportunity to use them, unless perhaps something happens with Mistress G.

However, i am carefully hoarding the three opportunities i still have to cum while masturbating.

I am scheduled to see Mistress G. tomorrow, as she has agreed to inspect my ass, which she has been slowly training for almost a week now.

If "something happens" with her tomorrow, that will be great. But if not, i am going to spend one of my masturbation opportunities. Either way, i am busting at the seams to get to tomorrow!

one question without an answer

It's now getting close to the end of my contract with S. And i find that going without cumming is getting even harder!

i suspect it's a little bit like running to the bathroom. The closer you get to the bathroom, the worse it seems until you almost wet yourself, when just two minutes ago it was possible to hold it.

Having the end in sight makes the on-going denial even harder to endure.

However, i've also realized that having a time-limited contract made the suffering in the beginning a lot easier to endure. It's like running in a short race, you can take up a hard pace, but only because you know the end isn't far off. If you're running a marathon, you can't jump out of the gate like a jackrabbit, and you certainly can't carry a load.

i had originally suggested a time-limited contract to S. because i thought that She might be more willing to take me on as Her submissive on a trial basis. However, i see now that i benefited from a short contract more than i could have imagined!

At times the suffering has been pretty dramatic (as recorded here by yours truly), and i wonder what would have happened if i had thought that there was no end in sight? What would my reaction have been?

i'm sure that, in part, i would have been even more turned on. The connection between suffering and sexual pleasure is pretty strong for me, and i'm sure that the prospect of enduring suffering would itself have inflicted suffering up on me.

However, how strong am i? How much suffering and sexual pleasure can i take before i can no longer hold the tension between the two? I think this is one question to which i'd rather not know the answer!