i love it when She locks Her cock in the cage. i love it when She locks Her cock in the cage. i love it when She locks Her cock in the cage. i love it when She locks Her cock in the cage. i love it when She locks Her cock in the cage. i love it when She locks Her cock in the cage. i love it when She locks Her cock in the cage. i love it when She locks Her cock in the cage. i love it when She locks Her cock in the cage.i love it when She locks Her cock in the cage.
It makes me feel close to Her because She is controlling me. It makes me feel submissive because i am treated like chattel. It makes me feel like a sexual slave because i have lost all control of my cock.
It makes me feel warm and tingly.
a new day!
What a difference an orgasm makes!
i jerked-off and came last night, with Her gracious permission. And immediately, a sense of peace and completeness descended over over me. It was like a switch had been thrown. i went from being on edge, constantly feeling a desperate need to "do something," to feeling as if all was right with the world and i needn't do a thing.
That feeling of peace is still with me this morning, mixed with anticipation and hope of seeing Her tonight.
Her instructions called for me to lock up Her cock immediately after cumming, which i did. However, i felt resistant to the idea, satisfied in the moment to remain as i was. And i had to push forward solely on the intellectual knowledge that i needed to follow Her instructions.
Fortunately, that feeling of independence lasted only about as long as it took to lock on the cage, and then the glow of subservience re-kindled. It was like slipping on an old suit and remembering why it was your favorite.
Her Cock is still caged as i journal this entry, though i did have to re-fit the cage this morning. i had tried using a more restrictive locking ring last night to prevent "pull-out" (not that i would ever attempt that). But i found it to be so painful during the night that i was worried i was hurting Her cock and balls, and so re-fitted the cage with a looser fitting locking ring.
However, at the moment i have a nagging feeling that Her cock is not as locked up as it should be. Whenever i am the least bit aroused it is impossible to pull-out of the cage. But, as i found out by accident last week, when Her cock is fully shrunk down, the cage can be defeated. However, without the key, getting back into the cage is impossible, and thus there is no way to hide escape from Her. So, when i am in Her company and She holds the key, Her cock is effectively locked up. In addition, i did have a momentary panic attack this morning when i couldn't remember where i had left the key and was confronted with the difficulty that would be entailed in getting cage off, if need be, without the key. So clearly i still carry some psychological sense of restriction at all times.
My fantasies while wanking last night centered on serving Her and Her (still unknown to me) lover. They were achingly erotic fantasies. i would love for them to work out in real life.
i jerked-off and came last night, with Her gracious permission. And immediately, a sense of peace and completeness descended over over me. It was like a switch had been thrown. i went from being on edge, constantly feeling a desperate need to "do something," to feeling as if all was right with the world and i needn't do a thing.
That feeling of peace is still with me this morning, mixed with anticipation and hope of seeing Her tonight.
Her instructions called for me to lock up Her cock immediately after cumming, which i did. However, i felt resistant to the idea, satisfied in the moment to remain as i was. And i had to push forward solely on the intellectual knowledge that i needed to follow Her instructions.
Fortunately, that feeling of independence lasted only about as long as it took to lock on the cage, and then the glow of subservience re-kindled. It was like slipping on an old suit and remembering why it was your favorite.
Her Cock is still caged as i journal this entry, though i did have to re-fit the cage this morning. i had tried using a more restrictive locking ring last night to prevent "pull-out" (not that i would ever attempt that). But i found it to be so painful during the night that i was worried i was hurting Her cock and balls, and so re-fitted the cage with a looser fitting locking ring.
However, at the moment i have a nagging feeling that Her cock is not as locked up as it should be. Whenever i am the least bit aroused it is impossible to pull-out of the cage. But, as i found out by accident last week, when Her cock is fully shrunk down, the cage can be defeated. However, without the key, getting back into the cage is impossible, and thus there is no way to hide escape from Her. So, when i am in Her company and She holds the key, Her cock is effectively locked up. In addition, i did have a momentary panic attack this morning when i couldn't remember where i had left the key and was confronted with the difficulty that would be entailed in getting cage off, if need be, without the key. So clearly i still carry some psychological sense of restriction at all times.
My fantasies while wanking last night centered on serving Her and Her (still unknown to me) lover. They were achingly erotic fantasies. i would love for them to work out in real life.
rising to the ocassion
Yesterday evening, just when it was seemed that things could not possibly get any more intense, they did.
And as a result, my 15 minute masturbation sessions last night and this morning were fevered affairs in which i was completely lost in insanely super-charged imaginings. The adjective that i would usually employ to describe the feelings that came to me while wanking would be "orgasmic." But in the strict sense of that word, my masturbation sessions were anything but.
Things shot into orbit last night when i received another email from Her, that read, in part:
"you have received a cyber gift certificate allowing you to jerk off and CUM... yes CUM... on: Wednesday March 11, 2009."
"You are to to do this, 1) at any time - Big bonus 2) duration: 5 - 15 minutes - another bonus 3) in private - my cock and the cum is not to be shared with anyone"
"you will do it ONCE on Wednesday, and cage my cock afterward until you come to serve me and perhaps a lover of mine on Thursday evening in my place (instructions to follow)."
Getting this email caused me to go completely crazy - surprise, surprise.
The prospect of being able to cum was so overwhelming, IS so overwhelming, that i have to force myself to think about something else to keep from hyperventilating on the spot. And slut that i am, i find myself constantly failing in this effort. i find myself flushing, my breath quickening, Her balls aching and, of course, Her cock hard.
The prospect of being caged is one of suffering, at Her hand however, which gives me shivers just thinking about it.
The prospect of getting to serve Her, of being with Her in person, is the ultimate; it's what it's all about for me. i could record reams about this, but i will leave it at that.
The prospect of serving Her lover is scary. Will it be a woman? Is it more likely to be a man? my feelings about this are extremely conflicted.
i've explored being with a man, and found that i am (unfortunately) very one dimensional in this regard. i am completely oriented to women. As a result, being submissive around other men can be awkward and even alienating at times, particularly in large group settings. This makes sense to me since my submissive nature is explicitly tied to my sexual dimension.
However, being forced to serve in a situation in which She is entertaining another man, one whose status is not submissive, dramatically highlights my submissive status, and puts me in a very humiliating position. Being subservient to him enforces my humiliation.
The fact that she would be taking satisfaction from another man's cock, while my cock, now Her cock, has been dismissed and locked away in a cage is a dramatic expression of Her power over me.
While wanking last night, all of this was extremely erotic for me. However, fantasies can operate much differently than reality - even for a slut as twisted as i appear to be.
However, winning Her approval is such a turn-on for me, and i am so anxious to give something to Her to express my gratitude for Her love and attention, that i can see myself doing it and enjoying it. But, i have to admit i don't know what would really happen in the moment.
The challenge will be to rise to the occasion if and when She presents it.
And as a result, my 15 minute masturbation sessions last night and this morning were fevered affairs in which i was completely lost in insanely super-charged imaginings. The adjective that i would usually employ to describe the feelings that came to me while wanking would be "orgasmic." But in the strict sense of that word, my masturbation sessions were anything but.
Things shot into orbit last night when i received another email from Her, that read, in part:
"you have received a cyber gift certificate allowing you to jerk off and CUM... yes CUM... on: Wednesday March 11, 2009."
"You are to to do this, 1) at any time - Big bonus 2) duration: 5 - 15 minutes - another bonus 3) in private - my cock and the cum is not to be shared with anyone"
"you will do it ONCE on Wednesday, and cage my cock afterward until you come to serve me and perhaps a lover of mine on Thursday evening in my place (instructions to follow)."
Getting this email caused me to go completely crazy - surprise, surprise.
The prospect of being able to cum was so overwhelming, IS so overwhelming, that i have to force myself to think about something else to keep from hyperventilating on the spot. And slut that i am, i find myself constantly failing in this effort. i find myself flushing, my breath quickening, Her balls aching and, of course, Her cock hard.
The prospect of being caged is one of suffering, at Her hand however, which gives me shivers just thinking about it.
The prospect of getting to serve Her, of being with Her in person, is the ultimate; it's what it's all about for me. i could record reams about this, but i will leave it at that.
The prospect of serving Her lover is scary. Will it be a woman? Is it more likely to be a man? my feelings about this are extremely conflicted.
i've explored being with a man, and found that i am (unfortunately) very one dimensional in this regard. i am completely oriented to women. As a result, being submissive around other men can be awkward and even alienating at times, particularly in large group settings. This makes sense to me since my submissive nature is explicitly tied to my sexual dimension.
However, being forced to serve in a situation in which She is entertaining another man, one whose status is not submissive, dramatically highlights my submissive status, and puts me in a very humiliating position. Being subservient to him enforces my humiliation.
The fact that she would be taking satisfaction from another man's cock, while my cock, now Her cock, has been dismissed and locked away in a cage is a dramatic expression of Her power over me.
While wanking last night, all of this was extremely erotic for me. However, fantasies can operate much differently than reality - even for a slut as twisted as i appear to be.
However, winning Her approval is such a turn-on for me, and i am so anxious to give something to Her to express my gratitude for Her love and attention, that i can see myself doing it and enjoying it. But, i have to admit i don't know what would really happen in the moment.
The challenge will be to rise to the occasion if and when She presents it.
how crazy can you get?
i spent all day yesterday desperately looking forward to the evening when i could finally jerk-off and cum, or so i thought.
Then, at the last minute, i started wondering if i could have possibly misunderstood Her instructions and so wrote an email to double-check on Her permission [see yesterday's post]. And this, in part, is the reply i received:
"my little boy, what am I going to do with you?
The provision to jerk and cum (every other day) was indeed for ONE week, and the week is OVER.
You are back on the twice a day schedule of 15 minutes and not cumming without my presence or permission."
Getting that email was like a blow to the gut. i literally doubled-over at my desk, my mid-section clenching and caving back.
To have Her hand come falling down, shoving me back into denial, right when i thought i was on the verge of release, sent a shock of pain right through me. It was so bad that, had i been enough of a man, i would have started to cry in frustration on the spot.
And then the worst thing happened, or the best, depending up on your perspective. A warm erotic glow flowed over me, and a sexual rush traveled up my spine, up and over the back of my head, and gripped my forehead.
It was an insanely intimate moment. It seemed like she had very lovingly focused her attention on me, and i felt as if she was very close. Of all Her gifts, i most desire Her love and attention, and apparently i am wired to accept that through sexual suffering imposed by Her.
i now walk around in a sexual craze. my gut is tied in knots. Denial and forced submission produces a frustration that aches and hurts constantly. As a result, i constantly get turned on. I constantly swing back and forth between surges of painful frustration and erotic charge.
Wanking off last night and this morning, in particular, was next to impossible. i spent more time waiting to calm down, to avoid cumming, than i did wanking.
i remember reading a column once by Dan Savage, in which a reader asked him about their fetish for submission and what they should do about it. Savage replied by noting that it might be possible to eliminate the fetish through five years of therapy (and the requisite $50,000) but that it might be easier, cheaper and just as well to accept and live with the state of affairs.
Apparently, the equation, for me, is:
sexual suffering + Her attention = my happiness.
Just how crazy can one get?
Then, at the last minute, i started wondering if i could have possibly misunderstood Her instructions and so wrote an email to double-check on Her permission [see yesterday's post]. And this, in part, is the reply i received:
"my little boy, what am I going to do with you?
The provision to jerk and cum (every other day) was indeed for ONE week, and the week is OVER.
You are back on the twice a day schedule of 15 minutes and not cumming without my presence or permission."
Getting that email was like a blow to the gut. i literally doubled-over at my desk, my mid-section clenching and caving back.
To have Her hand come falling down, shoving me back into denial, right when i thought i was on the verge of release, sent a shock of pain right through me. It was so bad that, had i been enough of a man, i would have started to cry in frustration on the spot.
And then the worst thing happened, or the best, depending up on your perspective. A warm erotic glow flowed over me, and a sexual rush traveled up my spine, up and over the back of my head, and gripped my forehead.
It was an insanely intimate moment. It seemed like she had very lovingly focused her attention on me, and i felt as if she was very close. Of all Her gifts, i most desire Her love and attention, and apparently i am wired to accept that through sexual suffering imposed by Her.
i now walk around in a sexual craze. my gut is tied in knots. Denial and forced submission produces a frustration that aches and hurts constantly. As a result, i constantly get turned on. I constantly swing back and forth between surges of painful frustration and erotic charge.
Wanking off last night and this morning, in particular, was next to impossible. i spent more time waiting to calm down, to avoid cumming, than i did wanking.
i remember reading a column once by Dan Savage, in which a reader asked him about their fetish for submission and what they should do about it. Savage replied by noting that it might be possible to eliminate the fetish through five years of therapy (and the requisite $50,000) but that it might be easier, cheaper and just as well to accept and live with the state of affairs.
Apparently, the equation, for me, is:
sexual suffering + Her attention = my happiness.
Just how crazy can one get?
a day in the life
A quick journal note - not really worthy of a full post, but a comical moment from today that i might as well write down since i didn't journal yesterday.
This morning i wrote in my journal that i would be allowed to jerk-off tonight, but only if She does not change my orgasm schedule. Perhaps i should have also reported that i am very worried that She might change the schedule, because more than once She has explicitly noted that the "you-get-to-cum-every-other-day" schedule was only set through Sunday.
So, later in the day, after posting that entry to my blog, i nearly had a panic attack when i received an email at an account at which She sends me email, thinking that perhaps this was the email i had been dreading, and that my opportunity to cum tonight had vanished.
In the event, the email was not from Her. But any observer with even the least sadistic streak would have appreciate the sweat forming on my brow as i opened the email.
Of course, now as i type this note, a new worry has come to me: perhaps She means that the "no-orgasm" rule is supposed to go back into effect, by default, as of today....yikes, my blood pressure is skyrocketing......perhaps i need to double-check to see if i am allowed to cum tonight. Oh my goddess... Her balls are aching at the thought of all this, and my stomach is twisting in knots...
i don't want to check-in, if only because the very act of double-checking on Her approval might inspire Her to withhold it. However, now that doubt has crept into my mind, i can not, in good faith, jerk-off tonight. Argh!!! Either way i could be damned. [would that i could be fucked either way, instead!]
So much for posting only a short "note."
Sigh. Another day in the life.
This morning i wrote in my journal that i would be allowed to jerk-off tonight, but only if She does not change my orgasm schedule. Perhaps i should have also reported that i am very worried that She might change the schedule, because more than once She has explicitly noted that the "you-get-to-cum-every-other-day" schedule was only set through Sunday.
So, later in the day, after posting that entry to my blog, i nearly had a panic attack when i received an email at an account at which She sends me email, thinking that perhaps this was the email i had been dreading, and that my opportunity to cum tonight had vanished.
In the event, the email was not from Her. But any observer with even the least sadistic streak would have appreciate the sweat forming on my brow as i opened the email.
Of course, now as i type this note, a new worry has come to me: perhaps She means that the "no-orgasm" rule is supposed to go back into effect, by default, as of today....yikes, my blood pressure is skyrocketing......perhaps i need to double-check to see if i am allowed to cum tonight. Oh my goddess... Her balls are aching at the thought of all this, and my stomach is twisting in knots...
i don't want to check-in, if only because the very act of double-checking on Her approval might inspire Her to withhold it. However, now that doubt has crept into my mind, i can not, in good faith, jerk-off tonight. Argh!!! Either way i could be damned. [would that i could be fucked either way, instead!]
So much for posting only a short "note."
Sigh. Another day in the life.
a beggar, not a chooser
i haven't journalled since the day before yesterday, as i brilliantly managed to somehow disable my modem over the weekend while partionning a hard drive and so lost internet service yesterday.
i finally got to cum (!) late Saturday night. Of course, it came at terrible time, as i was exhausted and could barely keep my eyes open - but beggars can NOT be choosers. I had come home very late after driving up from my sister's house where i had dinner and talked late into the night. I hadn't seen her in person in close to a year, so i was very happy to have hung out with her.
But the result was that the long anticipated event was crushed under sheer exhaustion. I came but the relief was short lived, and the next day i was coping with frustration again, groaning with desire to jerk-off.
The good news is that She hasn't changed my jerk-off schedule, so at least at the moment of this writing, i am scheduled to be allowed to jerk-off tonight.
i am squirming in anticipation at this very moment.
Wanking in the shower this morning, it seemed that i almost spent as much time avoiding touching Her cock to keep from ejaculating as i did wanking. Sometimes i could stroke Her cock only for a moment before having to stop again.
And the center of my fantasies, driving all this? As always it seems recently: Her and Her pussy.
i finally got to cum (!) late Saturday night. Of course, it came at terrible time, as i was exhausted and could barely keep my eyes open - but beggars can NOT be choosers. I had come home very late after driving up from my sister's house where i had dinner and talked late into the night. I hadn't seen her in person in close to a year, so i was very happy to have hung out with her.
But the result was that the long anticipated event was crushed under sheer exhaustion. I came but the relief was short lived, and the next day i was coping with frustration again, groaning with desire to jerk-off.
The good news is that She hasn't changed my jerk-off schedule, so at least at the moment of this writing, i am scheduled to be allowed to jerk-off tonight.
i am squirming in anticipation at this very moment.
Wanking in the shower this morning, it seemed that i almost spent as much time avoiding touching Her cock to keep from ejaculating as i did wanking. Sometimes i could stroke Her cock only for a moment before having to stop again.
And the center of my fantasies, driving all this? As always it seems recently: Her and Her pussy.
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