how it doesn't work

The "indefinite" extension of my contract with S. caught me by surprise. And now i have a complicated date coming up.

Long-time readers of this blog (of which there are none!) know that my contracts with S. have been far and few between. And even then they have been short-term, one-time things. S. has a very busy life, and while She counts me as a good friend and loved one, and has told me as much, Our/our paths don't overlap very often.

So, when She agreed to this last contract and set it at 10 days, i thought that 10 days would be the end of it. Obviously, i was wrong.

For the last couple of years i have very much been on the hunt for a regular lover/friend, someone i would be with regularly, week in and week out, meet after work regularly, travel with, make plans with, (and, yes, have frequent sex together): a "secondary" in poly lingo. This is important to me, and recently i have re-doubled my efforts, trying to meet as many people as possible (and have gone on a helluva a lot of OKCupid dates as a result).

Ironically, it was how my relationship with S. evolved that put me onto this course. Being with Her made me understand how much i need another partner in my life and how much i wanted it to be S., but it also made me understand that it can not be S. For a while i was quite heartbroken about it. however, i moved on emotionally and managed not to fuck up my relationship with S. in doing so. and i feel that i'm now in a good place with S.

Another lesson that being with S. taught me was that i should be dating people who are in the same boat as me, i.e. they have a primary and can commit to a secondary in their life. So, my OKCupid dates have been almost exclusively with partnered/poly women.

i recently had a date with one such woman, L. i like her, and it seems like there is the possibility for something serious. One never knows, but it seems like the possibility is as much as one could reasonably glean from a first date. And now we have a second date set up this coming Thursday.

The last time i was in a similar situation, with C., i told C. about my contract with S., but the situation with L. is definitely different. we are clearly sizing each other up with the idea the cards might hold more than a NSA arrangement. At the same time neither of us have "laid our kink cards on the table," as Dan Savage would say.

Yesterday i got an email from S., giving me new instructions. [see whole thread below]. i responded, and i asked Her for direction about what to tell L. S. replied but She did not tell me what to do. Nor did She ask me any questions. But She did remind me of a couple things including: "I remain solid in my intention of not impacting your life and relationships negatively."

It's only a 2nd date with L. so i don't want to make big deal about it. But i do think that, if i tell L., now, about my contract with S., it's possible that it could impact things "negatively" with L. It's also possible that it would not. Hell, it's possible it would be a positive. i just don't know. Also, it's not impossible that, this being a 2nd date, that L. might want to hook up. And i definitely don't want to lie to her about why i could not do that.

So, i think this my only course of action: go on the date. but say nothing, as that could impact things negatively. If L. pursues a hook-up, don't resist, because i know S. would not want me to lie to L, but i would know that i am breaking my contract with S.

And i have to tell all this to S. before hand.

an aside: i've wondered if the "indefinite" extension with S. signals a change in Her path and how i might integrate in Her life. i need to ask Her. but i don't think there has been a significant change. Even while making my contract "indefinite," She said it could be "a month or a week or a day." No hint of long-term in that. There have also been other clues: She recently passed on an opportunity to travel together in Germany. She had a family conflict, so i can't make too much of that, but even so She is not going to travel with me. During this contract there has not been very much time spent together (much like the past contracts). i know She is actively dating. And She has given me no other indication that her path has changed. And for my part, my knowledge hasn't changed that i should not be trying to make something "big and serious" happen with someone who is single and looking for a primary partner of Her own.

if/when this contract ends, and if/when i'm lucky enough to ask for another contract with S., i don't think i can ask for a contract if i'm seeing/talking with anyone else that has any possibility of being anything other than a NSA arrangement. Even telling S. upfront about who i am seeing (as i did this last time around) doesn't prevent the possibility that the contract would conflict. S. does not want to come between me anything else serious in my life, and for my part i don't want to be in the position of breaking a contract with S. as i am now. : (

Finally, i have to stop writing this post. i have to get back to work. S. would definitely not be happy if blogging about all this distracts me from my job!


> From: S.
> To: h
> Sent: Monday, June 3, 2013 5:57 PM
> Subject: Your assignment
>
> My dear h, Are you used to the idea of "being indefinite surrounded" yet?
> You have a temporary relief of duties for 48 hrs. Starting tomorrow ( Tuesday June 4th) 6 pm.
> This means that you will be back to your schedule of 6-8 pm, Thursday afternoon. Understood?
> S.
> Sent from my iPad


> Dear S.,
>
> Thank you for this relief.
>
> i am definitely not used to the idea yet, but i think that learning to deal with the tension/frustration is part of the submission. : )
>
> i wanted to ask you about my date with L. this coming Thursday. i mentioned my date with her to You just over a week ago. On Friday You asked me if i was going to see C. this week - and i told you no - but maybe You were thinking about L.?
>
> Anyways, this would be my 2nd date with L. And i have told her about You, quite a lot actually. : ) However, i have not told her about my current indefinite contract.
>
> i don't know that she would initiate anything this Thursday, but she might. And even if she didn't, it seems like i should tell her about the contract. i'm not sure how she will react. but i want to know how You would like me to handle it since You would be a big part of the story.
>
> : )
>
> Yours,
>
> h
>
>

From: S.
To: h
Sent: Monday, June 3, 2013 10:22 PM
Subject: Re: Your assignment

>Watch What You Ask For!
>Yes indeed, this is a package that comes with love, attention, and much much frustration!

>Just a reminder that the following important aspects of our contract have remained unchanged:
>1. I remain solid in my intention of not impacting your life and relationships negatively,
>2. I see you (not me) responsible in judging the impact of your actions
>3. you must be honest with me about your relationships and what you are doing with MY COCK.

>so, having said all this, you need to decide for yourself what you want to say and do with L. on Thursday :-)

>Let me know if you want to discuss this further and that this is creating more frustration for you!

>S.

continuation for now

S. met me for lunch today - to give me a big bag of toys for the puppy my family is getting tomorrow (big day!).

They are all new(ish) toys that Her dog isn't using because he plays only with his favorites. Classic, thoughtful S.

We/we then went out to coffee, and after that She directed Us/us to my office were i massaged Her feet and We/we talked for a bit.

She asked me how i was doing with the masturbation restriction and i let her know it was hard at times. i would otherwise be masturbating 2-3 times a day most days. but i also told her that i wanted to learn to redirect and use the energy/tension that was being created by the daily denial.

i know it's crazy to say it is "hard" to "only" masturbate once a day, but there it is. i know that many others whose cocks are also controlled go much longer, insanely long. and i could see how going without for a long while could actually be better but ONLY after becoming "acclimated" to the reality. Being allowed to cum once a day means i spend the whole day looking forward to it, building tension. however, the "getting acclimated" part could be even worse...

She questioned me further asking specifically if it was disrupting my life/work. And i had to answer no. If She wasn't controlling my cock i would easily be spending an hour or two masturbating on most days. So, even allowing for negative impact of the tension, i really can't say it's a disruption in my life. And if i learned to redirect the energy, i would actually be much better off altogether.

Anyhoo, after hearing all this, She told me the contract would continue to continue. And that as a reward for massaging Her feet this afternoon, i would be allowed to jerk off and cum early tomorrow morning (in addition to my regular evening opportunity)!

Besides redirecting the tension as energy into other things (like frequent blogging!), i want to learn how to better translate the tension/frustration as an expression of Her control. When i consciously think of the frustration that way, the experience changes and i feel much better (and Her cock gets hard). So i think the more i practice that conscious re-orientation, the more it can become an automatic unconscious orientation.

how it works

recently i had started seeing another woman (C.) shortly before S. agreed to put me in contract to her again.

It was (and is) a very tentative, date-to-date, no strings arrangement with C., who herself isn't sure what she is up to, and has been very upfront with me about that. So, after getting into a contract with S., i could have called things off with C. in good conscience, which is part of why i felt OK in asking S. for a contract when i had the opportunity.

However, i realized that S. had not forbidden me from seeing any other women. She had only specified the days on which I was not allowed to touch Her cock, as well as the "free days" that i was allowed. S. didn't specify that the free days were for masturbation only. And She is very meticulous about what She says. When She says "free" She means free. So, i realized that i could see C. again, particularly because the date we had chosen to meet up on fell on one of the free days S. has assigned to me.

However, i realized that being upfront with C. about all this would probably be good, even given our NSA arrangement as well as the fact that we are both very private about what we do/don't do with other people. i also knew that S. would want me to be upfront about it all.

So, i told C. and this is the email trail. once again, put in proper chrono order for easy reading (and anonymized to protect the guilty) :)


> From: C.
> To: h
> Sent: Sunday, May 19, 2013 8:46 AM
> Subject: Re: that beer
>
> You were going to get back to me on Friday I thought. Something up?
> -C
>

> From: h
> To: C.
> Subject: Re: that beer
> Sent: Sun, May 19, 2013 5:02:24 PM
>
> Yes, Thursday lunchtime will work.
>
> Apologies, the last couple of days have been crazy (but good). But I should have gotten back to you sooner. You can spank me when you see me next. ; )
>
> Speaking of things kinky, my situation has changed quite a bit, and in a very kinky way. It's doesn't affect getting together with you on Thursday, but wanted to let you know. Happy to share details if you'd like. Or not.
>
> Looking forward.
>
> Cheers,
>
> h
>
>

> From: C.
> To: h
> Sent: Sunday, May 19, 2013 12:41 PM
> Subject: Re: that beer
>
> Well, brightens up my day to hear back from you! Yes, definitely want to hear details (I believe in vicarious living, at least in part).
> So how long / what time / to include lunching? My only meeting on Thursday got switched to Wednesday, so my day is currently wide open.
> Looking forward,
> -C
> Sent from Yahoo! Mail on Android
>


> From: h
> To: C.
> Sent: Monday, May 20, 2013 9:50 AM
> Subject: Re: that beer
>
> Hi C,
>
> Including lunch sounds good - I very much like the connection we have outside the physical.
>
> My Thursday is not very open but I could meet up from 12 to 1:30ish.
>
> The short story is that S. now controls my cock for the next couple of weeks - a short term agreement. In general I'm not allowed to touch what is now her cock, much less masturbate or have sex, without her express permission. However, Thursday happens to be a "free" day that she gave to me - so that timing worked out incredibly well.
>
> Kinky, as I said, but there it is. I'd understand if this changes your feelings about meeting up. That's why I wanted to let you know what's up.
>
> H
>


> On May 20, 2013, at 7:56 PM, C. wrote:

> Hi,
> Picked up your email this morning, & have been looking forward to stringing together a few minutes to respond.
>
> So I'm happy about 2 out of 3 of what you say below:
> -Being free;
> -Including lunch.
>
> Not so happy about 12-1:30 (feels sort of rushed), but you've got more constraints at the moment than I (or than I've decided to have anyways) & I'm OK with it.
>
> Was trying to think yesterday of what kinky something would be a turn off, & couldn't dream it up--& you didn't either. Recall my personal situation...
>
> Can I request that you meet me at the BART station (somewhere else public is also OK)?
>
> See you Thursday,
> -C
>
>
>


> From: h
> To: C.
> Sent: Monday, May 20, 2013 8:02 PM
> Subject: Re: that beer

> Call me? 415-xxx-xxxx

> Sent from my iPhone


[note: we talked over the phone at this point and things were good]


> From: C.
> To: h
> Sent: Monday, May 20, 2013 9:05 PM
> Subject: Re: that beer

> One thing I should have said (maybe understood, but just to be clear): you also have no obligation to keep seeing me. I have short-term (albeit pleasurable)
> expectations at most.
> -C




> From: h
> To: C.
> Subject: Re: that beer
> Sent: Tue, May 21, 2013 3:59:28 PM

> understood. clarity is a beautiful thing. thank you.

> I had a brief scare last night when I messed something up, and I was worried that as a result I wouldn't be able to meet up with you on Thursday.

> the details are salacious so maybe I'll save them for when we meet up.

> See you at Stable Cafe at 12:30 on Thursday.

> : )

> H

[the "mess up" was when I had forgotten to masturbate (without cumming) one time as per the schedule S. had assigned to me]


> From: C.
> To: h
> Sent: Tuesday, May 21, 2013 8:44 PM
> Subject: Re: that beer

> 12 or 12:30 (either is ok for me)? Looking forward,
> -C


> From: h
> To: C.
> Subject: Re: that beer
> Sent: Wed, May 22, 2013 4:02:32 AM

> yes, sorry, 12:00, not 12:30. : )



[At this point we met up and hooked up. We had met up a couple times before but only hooked up once before. This time was better, for me, anyways and she seemed much happier, too. i was a little surprised that she took a bit of aggressive role with me. Nothing very harsh, but she basically whispered in my ear that i should sit down, which i did. She then pushed me back flat on the bed, and then sat down, straddling me. We then proceeded to kiss and grind and she slowly took off all my clothes, bit while bit, while she stayed full dressed. We kept kissing and grinding slowly. once she pinned one of my arms back over my head against the bed. We kissed this way for about an hour or so. We did talk a bit while making out, and i told her more details about my contract/history with S.]

[i called her the next day just to check in. it seemed to catch her little off guard, but appreciative. Then i received there was this final email exchange below]



> Hi sweetheart,
> After collecting my thoughts, I guess I'd say that I've constructed a model of you grounded in two things I appreciate and admire: that you express appreciation > often and that you have at least some skill at living in the moment (that last may be more my projection onto you, not sure yet). Anyway, a very incomplete
> model I know, but makes me believe that you're sincere in seeking connections with others (including me) but are also well able to let us go. A lot of words,
> maybe helpful for understanding how I react to you...

> If it's ok with you I'll check in with you about July 15th to find out what you've been up to and tell you where I'm at? Until then take good care,
> -C



> Hi C.,

> Thanks for such a sweet and gracious note.

> I will look forward to reconnecting in July!

> Take care,
>
> h
> xoxoxo







an indefinite extension

S. came to my office on Monday. i work alone in my own small office here in San Francisco - all my colleagues are out on the east coast. i fixed it up a bit with a black leather fold down couch. It's still a rather utilitarian set up, but a great place to meet.

We/we first went out for a cup of coffee and strolled around the neighborhood. Then she directed Us/us back to my office where, as per Her wishes, i gave her a massage. i started with her feet while i was on my knees (and naked).

One thing led to another and i ended up giving Her a full body massage.

And then i got to go down and worship her, twice! And it was definitely worship. There is no other way to describe the experience.

She's comfortable giving commands. But She also appears to like me doing things without Her having to tell me to do them. She dominates through her simple acceptance of my submission, as if it were so natural that it does not need to be spoken about. Sometimes i ask, sometimes i suggest, sometimes i just do it. It's hard to know exactly when to do what. i don't want to step outside of my role in Our/our relationship. But She clearly likes being served without the need for ordering me around, though She doesn't hesitate to issue orders when she wants.

She has a graceful, diplomatic bearing, something like my stereotype of the French upper class, of Persian royalty. Her manners are impeccable, and they always reflect that She is thinking of the others around Her. She operates like the most gracious and insightful of diplomats. Almost Buddha-like. But in Our/our relationship, she is comfortable using Her power for Her benefit, if only because She knows that, in doing so, She is also doing me a favor. OK, now i'm babbling, but i hope i got the point across.

Anyhoo, while i was down worshiping her, the first time, she basically told me to expect new instructions and that the contract was being extended, indefinitely!

In a way. this was odd. In the past i have always been the one to suggest new contracts. i think that She likes it that way because if i'm the one suggesting a contract, She can be sure She is not imposing on my life in way that makes Her responsible for anything, particularly an imposition on my job or my family - other women She doesn't seem to mind taking precedence over.

But, i've been so very clear (while doing my best not to over-do it) that i want as much domination as She is willing to dispense, that i think She probably felt safe in extending the contract without asking me. She also made it clear that the contract extension could be for a month, a week or just a day. i have no say in the matter, but She can end it at any time. So, She's protected: no obligation for Her. And She clearly liked extending the contract without asking me because she came, hard, very soon thereafter.

i am so fucking lucky.

end of contract

my contract with S. ended yesterday, which happened to be a "free" day as per her instructions.

i'm not all sure what happens now. i am leaving on business trip in 11 days, the 2nd part of which i will be in Germany. S. said She was interested in meeting up, but that She might have to stay in the states for a family event. She said she would know last week, so i might find out soon.

i'm tempted to ask if she would extend my contract. but i don't want to push things...

i am supposed to see her later today, as per this exchange below (read from the bottom up):


Sent from my iPhone

On May 25, 2013, at 1:31 PM, S. wrote:

> Great... Life is good especially when I think of you being on your knees at my service.
>
> Sent from my iPad
>

>> On May 25, 2013, at 11:50 AM, h. wrote:
>>
>> Dear S.,
>>
>> 2 pm, i understand.
>>
>> i am so happy with the prospect of serving You.
>>
>> Thank You!
>>
>> Yours,
>>
>> h
>>
>> Sent from my iPhone


>>> On May 25, 2013, at 9:07 AM, S. wrote:
>>>
>>> Good morning h,
>>> 2 pm Monday afternoon. I can adjust +/- one hour.
>>>
>>> S.
>>> Sent from my iPad

>>>>
>>>> On May 25, 2013, at 8:37 AM, h. wrote:
>>>>
>>>> Hi S.,
>>>>
>>>> i could meet up with You on Monday afternoon or Monday evening. Just let me know which >>>> is better for You, and i will arrange my day accordingly. : )
>>>>
>>>> Yours,
>>>>
>>>> h
>>>>

>>>>> From: S.
>>>>> To: h.
>>>>> Sent: Friday, May 24, 2013 11:28 PM
>>>>> Subject: Re: Hi
>>>>>
>>>>> Nice updates, I am glad you are following my instructions as you go by, doing your >>>>> daily business.
>>>>> I want to come by on Monday. Let me know if and when you can further augment the
>>>>> services you provide.
>>>>>
>>>>> Enjoy and be good in the meantime.
>>>>>
>>>>> S.
several days ago, i forgot to masturbate one evening as i should have, as per S.' instructions.

I sent her this text:

Dear S., i am late in reporting because i was late in completing my assignment. i had no good "excuse." i was alone at work from 7:30 to 8:00 responding to unimportant email and simply forgot. i realize that i have not only disobeyed You, but i have also created a bother for You. You were generous enough to take control of my/Your cock when i asked for it, it should not be a hassle for You. If there is any way to atone, please, would You tell me? i am so sorry. i apologize for not honoring Your good will towards me. Please forgive me.

And this was her reply:

is there a lesson learned for you? if yes, i want you to tell me when i see you later this week. until then stay aware and pay attention.


It was a relief to get the message, but also a feeling of being controlled and dominated and being put in my place - a feeling of being controlled by someone more thoughtful, and more powerful than me. She didn't need to punish to express her domination, her superiority. Instead she used the moment to teach me. i am so fucking lucky in every way.

i immediately focused in on the question about whether there was a lesson in it for me, [and only the next day realized i should have paid more attention to the whole message.]

However, for lessons all i could think of were trite things like I need to pay more attention, work harder etc.

i was glad that She had not told me to reply immediately but had instead gave me time to think.

And since i didn't think the immediate lessons that came to mind were any good, i thinking. i did feel there was something bigger going on that i was missing, but i couldn't immediately explain it.

So, i thought about what the contract represented, what Her instructions offered, what i was doing when i wasn't thinking about my assignment.

And that made me realize that i had been both selfish, and short-sighted.

When i should have been taking pains to remember my assignment, to remind myself, to take them seriously, to build the instructions into my daily calendar, into my daily life, i was instead being selfish and focusing inward on enjoying the feeling of submission.

it was short-sighted because S. had given me an opportunity to learn and grow by applying myself in submission to Her.

Her instructions were a gift that She had given me. And the clue was in the last part of Her message: "stay aware and pay attention." She had given me the gift of a daily practice, almost Buddhist like, to interact with the world in a mindful way, to ground my service to Her in something that also develops me.

It's almost spooky how mindful and thoughtful She is, how She is well ahead of me. Exactly the kind of woman to whom i should submit. She is my master.



Instructions

i entered into my current contract with S. last Thursday night.

The next morning She sent me an email with instructions.

i've cut and pasted the email exchange below, reversing the order so that it reads in "normal" chrono order. And edited it to protect the guilty : )

>>
>> From: S.
>> To: subboyjoy
>> Sent: Friday, May 17, 2013 8:54 AM
>> Subject: Friday May 17
>>
>> Good morning,
>> No need to tell you that you must keep your hands off my cock today,
>> with the exception of following:
>> - jerking off on your knees for 10 minutes sometime between
>> 12:30 - 1:30pm AND
>> 7:00 - 8:00 pm
>> when going to bathroom and peeing
>> In the shower, keep the contact to minimum to soaping and rinsing off
>> No excuses for deviations.
>>
>> Be a good boy you are, have a good day.
>>
>> S.
>>
>> Sent from my iPad
>>
>>

On May 17, 2013, at 10:06 AM, subboyjoy wrote:

>> Dear S,
>>
>> Thank You so much for these instructions.
>>
>> And thank You so much for hanging out with me last night. i had such a perfect time. i am floating on air
>> this morning!
>>
>> i know this sounds crazy but with Your cock now firmly under Your control, i feel at peace and feel very
>> connected to You. Thank You.
>>
>> In the past when You instructed me to jerk off during the day, i was generally not allowed to cum, and i
>> believe that i should follow that same practice now. i just want to be sure i am understanding and obeying >> Your intentions correctly.
>>
>> Yours,
>>
>> subboy
>>
>> P.S. i hope Your phone fully recovers.
>>
>> P.P.S. i will get some massage oil for my office today. please, anytime, you would like a quick (or long!) >> massage of your feet or other, just let me know.
>>
>> P.P.S. i am so extremely lucky. Thank You.
>>

[note to explain the PPS - last time S. was at my office, i offered and gave her a foot massage. But she asked if I had any massage oil, and I didn't. A long time ago I made some custom massage oil at a workshop I went to and gave it to her as a gift which she liked very much]



>> From: S.
>> Fri, May 17, 2013 at 1:44 PM

>> I want to come by Monday for massage your schedule permitting. Anytime after 1 pm is good for me.

>> Correct you are not allowed to cum.

>> Have a good and weekend my dear.

back under contract, again (!)

It's been a while, but i am back under contract to S., and I am so insanely content.

She and i went out for drinks last Thursday. i had not seen her in several weeks. i was hoping i could ask her, in fact i was ready to beg her, to take control of my/Her cock.

i don't know that she would have done it had i not asked. and i don't like to think that she does anything because i ask for it. on the other hand, i thought that asking/begging her to take control was appropriately submissive.

i know that it has to be hassle free for her, i.e. something that she enjoys, not another responsibility that amounts to a burden because she has to deal with it - and i know that she take the responsibility end of owning my/her cock very seriously. She's scrupulous that way.

i'm traveling to Europe for work next month, and asked her a week ago or so (via email) if she'd like to meet up while i'm over there because she's mentioned in the past she like to do something like that and that i should let her know if another trip comes up. anyways, she hasn't figured out if she can go or not - she has some family events that might conflict. but on a prior trip to Vegas together (can't remember if i blogged here about that) she took control of my/Her cock 24/7. so, it was sorta in the context of the upcoming trip that i asked if she would take control.

i suggested a short-term contract, so that it would be as little of a concern for her as possible - though the terms of all our contracts have been the same in one particular: she can cancel at anytime, I cannot. Anyways, she agreed and fixed the term at two weeks.

She also specified two-day windows ahead of time during which i would be "free" to do whatever i want. i think that's her way of making sure i get opportunities to jerk off and cum without getting crazy distracted/frustrated. she doesn't want me to get so bent out of shape that work or family stuff suffers as a result. at the same time i think she doesn't want the bother of monitoring my condition. so she sets this schedule ahead of time.

In the past, during our very first contact, she made me go much longer, as much as 2-3 weeks, without cumming. That I KNOW i blogged about. Still, this feels very controlling and frustrating, and i suppose it gives her plenty of room to ramp things up if she pleases.