About four years ago, i was pushed to examine my path when i first heard the argument that it was politically important for submissive heterosexual men to come out of the closet.
Prior to that, i had considered the question of coming out only in the context of to how important it was to me, personally, to be out of the closet; how much being submissive was part of my identity; and how much did I need to express that identify publicly to feel whole.
i had never considered whether coming out might be a political act that could further the hopes and dreams of others, including women. However, now that I see how my private acceptance of submission, particularly in the context of a female-led relationship has been a path to my liberation (talk about dialectical!), it has raised the question about my responsibility to publicly model for others the path I have chosen - being submissive and partnering in a female-led relationship.
The personal is the political.
Given my status as a white heterosexual male, i have a lot of personal capital/privilege that i can/should spend to make the world a better place, and further i can speak directly to other white heterosexual men as someone of their class. The public acknowledgement of choosing to live in a female-led relationship helps to normalize that arrangement, works to undermine the stigma of being led by a woman.
Further i do believe that the personal embrace of submission, particularly in the context of a female-led relationship, can open an internal door to walking on a path that seeks justice in the public/social world.
Since then i have only discussed the idea with others in the kink community.
Shortly after that realization, while shopping at a market by my office i saw a tall young man (late 20s) wearing a heavy padlocked chain around his neck. It wasn’t presented to show off, but it wasn’t hidden either. i went by him. But i saw him again on my way to the check-out counter. He was alone and didn’t seem terribly pressed by anything at the moment.
So, i approached him and said hello, and asked if i could ask him a question. He said, yes.
And i said “that chain, is it for decoration or is it symbolic?” He hesitated only for the barest second and replied evenly, “it’s symbolic.”
i answered back, “you are very brave. i admire you.”
He smiled a small smile and said, “thanks.” And i moved on.
i hope my words gave him some (very minor) support him in being out. i live in San Francisco, and i don’t know if his submission is to a woman, which arguably carries greater social shame at least here. But either way, it’s very cool that he is carrying the torch for all us - regardless of whatever reason he’s doing it.
Since then i have only discussed the idea with others in the kink community.
Shortly after that realization, while shopping at a market by my office i saw a tall young man (late 20s) wearing a heavy padlocked chain around his neck. It wasn’t presented to show off, but it wasn’t hidden either. i went by him. But i saw him again on my way to the check-out counter. He was alone and didn’t seem terribly pressed by anything at the moment.
So, i approached him and said hello, and asked if i could ask him a question. He said, yes.
And i said “that chain, is it for decoration or is it symbolic?” He hesitated only for the barest second and replied evenly, “it’s symbolic.”
i answered back, “you are very brave. i admire you.”
He smiled a small smile and said, “thanks.” And i moved on.
i hope my words gave him some (very minor) support him in being out. i live in San Francisco, and i don’t know if his submission is to a woman, which arguably carries greater social shame at least here. But either way, it’s very cool that he is carrying the torch for all us - regardless of whatever reason he’s doing it.
