Merrick Garland on Service

I have mixed feelings about Biden's nomination of Merrick Garland to serve as Attorney General and lead the U.S. Department of Justice.

I remember reading on Garland's record when Obama nominated him for the Supreme Court. A progressive Garland is not, more like an old-school Republican, the kind that are extinct. 

Obama chose Garland precisely because of Garland's conservative approach to the world. Obama was betting (hoping?) that the Republican Senate wouldn't dare further dismantle social norms when the candidate was so obviously a comity offering, a conservative for conservatives.  

As we know, the Republicans were more than willing to go there.  It turns out that Republicans have changed (and well before Trump). Garland was not the kind of conservative that Republicans care for anymore. 

[Hindsight is 20/20 but it does seem clear that Obama would have been better off nominating someone whose nomination would have generated a lot of excitement (Elizabeth Warren? Kamala Harris?),  someone whose rejection would helped spur voter turnout.  In contrast no one was excited about about Garland, no one was that angry over the stonewall that meet this nomination. In the end voter outrage over the deadlock was muted, and turn out of the Dem base did not go up - it went down.]

Interestingly, Biden is once again using Garland's politics as a shield.  This time to insulate the Department of Justice from any accusations of politicization.  What a bizarre political landscape. The Republicans twisted and pushed the Department of Justice to raw political ends far beyond any norms  in living memory (seeing a pattern here?) and yet it is Biden who has bent over backwards - at least in optics - to insulate against charges of politicization. Whether that works, we'll see. In any event, let's hope that Garland turns out to be an iron fist for justice in sheep's clothing.

At this point you may be wondering, is this post going to be about anything kinky? I'm happy to report that comes up next.

Five years ago I was driving across the Bay to clean house for a Domme who was generous enough indulge (and enjoy) my kink for service and sex. I was listening to Merrick Garland on the radio, speaking live and publicly accepting Obama's nomination.

And while I was crossing the Bridge I heard Garland talk about service. At that time in my life, I was thinking a lot about the role of the dominant and the role of the submissive.  I thought (and still think) of domination as a gift to those who serve.  I understood that my Domme did not need my service - she taught me that she could get by quite fine without me - and that I should not look at our relationship as some kind of gift to her.  She helped me to understand that she was giving me a gift - the opportunity to engage with her in service. 

As I drove, I listened to Garland talk about the work of being a judge, the work of a Supreme Court judge, as an act of service.  He said that he thought himself lucky to be a public servant.  And he shared this wisdom that had come to him:  "...service is as much a service to the person who serves as it is to those he is serving."  

I was stunned at this affirmation of service as gift to those who serve and amazed at the confluence of my inner thoughts with the greater world and the national stage of politics. And I was delighted to see the intersection of kink and the mainstream - and on the question of service.  Almost like convergent evolution!  An affirmation of kink.

At the time, I thought Garland's name would fade into the footnotes of history - a better fate than most, but still a footnote. 

So, I was pleasantly surprised to see Biden nominate Garland.  I'm still opposed to his conservative politics, but I love his take on service.  And I get the opportunity to share this #FemDom graphic.  : )


I'm headed over to S's house early this morning. I got this text tonight.

I live for this kind of direct, dominating communication. 

And, yes, I know - I'm extremely lucky.


My Rules (thanks to S.)

This past weekend, I had a conversation with S. about the day-to-day rules in our relationship, prompted by a couple of blog posts we had read.

The first post, My D/s Ruleswas authored by @BrigitWrites, aka Brigit Delaney, and the second post, projects, structure and protocol: three mechanisms for 24/7 d/s, was authored by @sexgeekAZ, aka Andrea  Zanin.

S. asked me if I could name all the rules she had set to date for me. She was wondering what the list would like. It wasn’t a challenge - she’s never asked me to memorize the list - though obviously I’m supposed to remember each when the situation calls for it. 

Together we recalled most of the list.  The next day when I was home I typed them up and added a couple more that I had remembered.

I sent them along to S., who was very happy to see the list.  To my relief, she didn’t spot any missing rules. But she did add a couple of new rules - ongoing traditions/practices of ours that she formalized as rules. [I also noticed that, for what I think is the first time, she capitalized Her mid-sentence.]

So, here are my rules (in no particular order)

- Must ask permission to go to the bathroom

- Must ask permission to leave her presence (unclear about all the circumstances in which this applies)

- Must ask permission to masturbate.

- Not allowed to have sex with other people.

- Must ask permission to drink alcohol in her presence.

- Must check-in each morning (before noon) via text

- Must not wear shorts when cleaning bathroom, must wear kneepads.

- Must make sure she has water at her bedside when going to bed together.

- Must ask permission before going down on her or initiating sexual touching beyond 1st base (full body embracing excluded), unless circumstances indicate that permission is already given (e.g. taking a shower together).

- Generally must seek her approval for changes to my calendar, particularly for social engagements that are not urgent.  Last minute changes can be excepted when circumstances warrant, as can complicated changes, e.g. scheduling that involves multiple dates or a lot of back and forth.

- When arriving at her house, must put pocket items/bag by chair at top of stairs. Must immediately go sit/kneel by couch in living room.

And here are the two rules she instituted in reply:

- Responsible for making Her bed in the morning

- Responsible for cleaning up dishes unless otherwise instructed

I am very lucky that she is happy to engage with me in a female-led relationship in which she sets (and enforces) rules such as this. 

Sigh.  : )

P.S. - Yes, the screenshot above is what my phone looks like at the moment.


Update: A couple days ago I was thinking back to when I was at last at S.'s house. And I wondered if I had practiced what might be a rule that’s not on “the list” but should be. Before getting dressed in the morning, I asked her permission to put on clothes b/c she had once told me that when getting out of bed I shouldn’t get put clothes back on without permission.  This is an example of an instance in which I "know" the rule when the situation arises - even if I can't recite all the rules from the top of my head.

Anyways, I texted her to ask if this was a rule and if it should be on the list, and she texted back:  "Correct! Good addition to the list."

  - must ask permission to put clothes back on when getting out of bed.

Coming out

Coming out as a white heterosexual submissive male

About four years ago, i was pushed to examine my path when i first heard the argument that it was politically important for submissive heterosexual men to come out of the closet.

Prior to that, i had considered the question of coming out only in the context of to how important it was to me, personally, to be out of the closet; how much being submissive was part of my identity; and how much did I need to express that identify publicly to feel whole. 

i had never considered whether coming out might be a political act that could further the hopes and dreams of others, including women.  However, now that I see how my private acceptance of submission, particularly in the context of a female-led relationship has been a path to my liberation (talk about dialectical!), it has raised the question about my responsibility to publicly model for others the path I have chosen - being submissive and partnering in a female-led relationship.

The personal is the political. 

Given my status as a white heterosexual male, i have a lot of personal capital/privilege that i can/should spend to make the world a better place, and further i can speak directly to other white heterosexual men as someone of their class.  The public acknowledgement of choosing to live in a female-led relationship helps to normalize that arrangement, works to undermine the stigma of being led by a woman.

Further i do believe that the personal embrace of submission, particularly in the context of a female-led relationship, can open an internal door to walking on a path that seeks justice in the public/social world.

Since then i have only discussed the idea with others in the kink community.

Shortly after that realization, while shopping at a market by my office i saw a tall young man (late 20s) wearing a heavy padlocked chain around his neck. It wasn’t presented to show off, but it wasn’t hidden either. i went by him. But i saw him again on my way to the check-out counter. He was alone and didn’t seem terribly pressed by anything at the moment.

So, i approached him and said hello, and asked if i could ask him a question. He said, yes.

And i said “that chain, is it for decoration or is it symbolic?” He hesitated only for the barest second and replied evenly, “it’s symbolic.”

i answered back, “you are very brave. i admire you.”

He smiled a small smile and said, “thanks.” And i moved on.

i hope my words gave him some (very minor) support him in being out. i live in San Francisco, and i don’t know if his submission is to a woman, which arguably carries greater social shame at least here. But either way, it’s very cool that he is carrying the torch for all us - regardless of whatever reason he’s doing it.

When men don't get what they want

I wrote this transgressive caption back in 2017, moved by the slaughter in the Sutherland Springs church shooting (26 dead, 20 injured), a horror story about mental illness and a window into the ideological politics that block gun control.

However, once I read past the headlines and dug deeper it became clear that the Sutherland Springs massacre was also a window into the culture of white male rage and entitlement, the same entitlement and rage that drives domestic assault and rape culture across the United States. When white men don’t get what they want, they often get violent and they usually target women.

In the Sutherland Springs church massacre the shooter targeted the women among his in-laws that were attending church that day. He had a long history of domestic assault, and prior to the shooting he had sent threatening text messages to the mother of his estranged wife.

This incident is not exceptional. In the US, one out of every 10 people murdered is killed by an intimate partner, and seven of those ten murdered are women. Four women a day are killed by an intimate partner. This number has been growing, while at the same time the number of men who are murdered by an intimate partner has declined. [That decline is attributed to the increase in divorce and women having more options to leave bad relationships.]

A 2019 New York Times article, “A Common Trait Among Mass Killers: Hatred Toward Women,” reported, “The motivations of men who commit mass shootings are often muddled, complex or unknown. But one common thread that connects many of them—other than access to powerful firearms—is a history of hating women, assaulting wives, girlfriends and female family members, or sharing misogynistic views online.” (Bosman, et al, Aug. 10, 2019).

For more on this topic, I recommend this article: The Number of Women Murdered by a Partner Is Rising

I realize that using my caption above to connect the dots between ending male entitlement and promoting the practice of male submission (by cis het men) in personal relationships is transgressive territory. The concept of female supremacy is a biological fallacy. And it runs counter to feminist principles (which I understand to reject sexual hierarchy of any kind). However, in line with concept of being a gender traitor and relinquishing privilege, men can practice female supremacy by putting the women they encounter ahead of them - "in the bedroom, in the street and in the state" as articulated by Viola Voltairine in her podcast about men extending their practice of male submission outside of the home.

Using submissive male fantasies to promote gender justice is a subversive tactic that may end up being counterproductive on net. But I explore it because a lot of men have these fantasies.

Getting Ready, Getting Pierced, Getting Caged


Politics, Lessons, and Step-by-Step Directions

If you are serious about asking a woman to lead you, to dominate you, to control you - and if you are not already in a FLR - then you should consider getting your cock pierced now.

Female domination is a gift. And her gift should be honored by making it as easy as possible for her to lead you. Thus getting pierced now, to make it easy to cage you, is a good step for preparing yourself for an FLR. It's actually a bit of a long process that includes healing time and time to size up the piercing so it can support the weight of a cock cage

Below I offer step-by-step directions for getting your cock pierced and ready for a cage. I also offer some practical lessons about living with a cock piercing (it's a lot easier than thought).

You can jump down now to those sections if you'd like.

However, first I should note that, in the spirit of FLR, getting led by your cock should NOT be your primary focus when entering a FLR.  

Rather, your focus should be on making FLR easy for her - by listening to her closely, by directing your attention to her. Whenever possible you should approach every situation by actively considering what she would want. And, you should work hard to follow her lead. 

If you are not listening, thinking, and working hard to follow her direction, then offering her control of your cock is simply indulging your personal fantasy. You are not respecting the work and responsibility she takes on in dominating you. It amounts to nothing more than topping from the bottom. You are abusing her gift.

One powerful lever for directing and training a man is through direct physical control of his cock.   So, if you are already working hard to follow her, then offering her physical control of your cock is another way to make it easy for her to direct you.

Most (all?) cock cages that don't attach by a piercing can be defeated.  A dick is like an octopus - it can get out of almost anything. Cages that don't lock that cock to a piercing are more show than true cages.

However, getting pierced and stretched for a chastity device takes a LONG time.  So if you wait until you are in a FLR - you may have to wait yet many months before you can be ready to offer real physical chastity control.

Getting pierced now, before one is in an FLR, puts a submissive in the position of being able to make that offer. 

Offering physical control to her means something like locking up your cock in a chastity cage and offering the key to her.  Should she accept that key, she acquires another lever for directing you.

However, accepting that key also places yet another significant responsibility upon her in addition to the responsibilities she has already assumed by agreeing to dominate you. By taking physical control of your cock she becomes responsible for helping to ensure that being caged is a safe physical and psychological experience for you.

In this light, it’s easy to see that when a woman agrees to take the key to your cock cage, she is giving you yet another gift.

Note: Your safety while caged is not her responsibility alone. You are still primarily responsible. She doesn’t know how the cage is affecting you unless you share that information with her.  Being submissive is NOT an opportunity to abandon responsibility. It means a different set of responsibilities.

Many men find it much easier to focus and dedicate themselves to following their female leader when they no longer have access to their cock.  The prospect of earning the opportunity to masturbate or otherwise secure sexual release allows these men to sublimate their sexual drive, harnessing that energy and directing it towards following and serving their female leader.

This can be particularly true for men whose submissive nature is well established mostly along their sexual dimension but wish to embrace and extend that submission in all aspects of their life, e.g. in a female-led relationship.

These men may wish to go beyond offering her control of their cock. They may wish to make it an ask.  Of course that would be a major request of her.  And should she agree, the man in question should be ready to come through in honoring that gift.

If you are lucky enough to meet a woman who is willing to lead and dominate, you want to be ready for her to take control of your cock.  And getting ready means taking steps now.

There are many chastity devices for locking up men’s cocks.  However, many (most?) men will find that none of the traditional devices (i.e. ball-trapping cages) truly prevent a determined man from accessing his cock. And/or most often these devices are not safe or wearable for more than a few hours or days.

The only secure and safe way to lock up most men’s cocks is with a device that utilizes a prince albert piercing in the cock.

However, getting a properly sized, full-healed prince albert piercing, a piercing ready to be secured with a chastity device, can take several months.

So, the time to get a piercing is now.  That way you will ready if/when an opportunity comes along to respectfully offer or ask a Woman to take control of your cock.

A few years back I reached the final stage in getting ready for full-time 24/7 chastity. i had been pierced for years, and when I moved to stretch the piercing it took me a while to finally stretch myself all the way to the point of being able to wear a device that is supported in place with a cock ring.

Here are some of the lessons i learned along the way.  Directions follow below.


Many men are uncomfortable with the idea of piercing their cock.  To them, all i can say is get over it.  

Yes, the piercing can be a somewhat painful and at times significantly uncomfortable for the first few days.  But it’s not a big deal. If that prospect puts you off then you are not really serious about this.  That’s OK.

Once the piercing is fully healed and has been stretched up in size a couple of steps, it’s fine for most men to frequently remove the piercing. You won’t lose the pierced opening. EDIT - Your mileage may vary. a few men find that they need to keep a piece jewelry in place constantly or the piercing will shrink back down.

Yes, you will have sit to urinate when jewelry inserted to be sure of not making a mess. However, in a real pinch – such as where there is no bathroom - it is possible learn to hold the jewelry such that you can mostly likely urinate without a mess.

And if you are heading someplace where there are no bathrooms or where the bathroom will likely be a mess itself, simply take out your jewelry for the duration.  [Once the piercing is fully healed].

When the jewelry has been removed, it’s easy to urinate standing up by simply holding the pad of one fingertip over the piercing opening.  i do it all the time.

Your first jewelry will probably be a captive ring (i.e. a fully closed ring).  You might consider buying a pair of reverse jeweler pliers for opening and closing such closed rings, so that it’s easy to remove and insert the ring.  Later you can wear barbell jewelry that’s easy to remove by hand.


1) Find a good studio

A prince albert is not that unusual of a piercing, but you definitely want someone well experienced in performing these piercings.  However, there are a lot of good studios, and it’s easy to find them using regular consumer search tools.  i was pierced by Dieter Huhn in Bonn, Germany, and can highly recommend him.  Here in San Francisco, i can recommend the studio Body Manipulations.

2) Schedule the piercing

This kind of piercing can often bleed a lot for the first few days, particularly the first day.  And it will often be uncomfortable for several days or longer. So, make some time in your schedule when you can deal with those outcomes.

3) Let it heal

Keep the piercing clean and follow the care directions you get from your piercer.  Full healing will likely take several months.  The piercing will usually feel healed well before that, so don’t get fooled into removing your jewelry early and leaving it out for a while.

4) Get stretched

Piercings are usually done with fine narrow gauge jewelry, mostly likely 12 ga.  That’s fine if all you intend to do is wear the jewelry. However, any kind of pressure or weight on narrow gauge jewelry may cause the piercing to migrate.

You obviously want to avoid that at all cost. So, you need to stretch the size of the piercing until it can support the pressure or weight of a chastity device, preferably 8 gauge. It’s easiest and best to stretch just one step at a time.  You probably will have to wait after your initial piercing at least 6 months before stretching.

For devices that are not supported by a cock ring behind the balls, you will need to stretch up to 6 ga, preferably 4 ga because ALL of the weight of those kinds of devices can press on the jewelry.

Most studios will happily stretch you, usually for much less than a piercing costs. [Don’t forget to tip the piercer!]

However, you can also stretch yourself using tapers, such as this 4 ga taper. With this taper you gently push it into the urethra and then through the piercing opening, softly wedging it in place.  Then in several very small steps, push it further in, perhaps twisting slightly.  Pause for a minute or even several minutes between each push.  

With this particular taper, the end of new up-sized jewelry fits into the hollow at the fat end of the taper, so it can follow the taper through the enlarged opening.  

The fat end of the taper is actually wider than the new jewelry. As a consequence, you by may not need to push this kind of taper all the way through.  After pushing the taper perhaps two-thirds or three-quarters of the way through the opening and letting it rest there for a few minutes, pull the taper out, and then immediately insert the new jewelry.

High-end tapers, such as a studio would use, are often threaded at the end so that jewelry with threads fit flush to the taper.

5) Get a Chastity Device

Choosing a device is another topic entirely.  i hope to post a short note soon, sharing some of my recommendations and experiences with different cages.

In Memoriam: Luis Sepúlveda - A Man Who Could See the Power of Women

Rise in Power, Luis Sepúlveda!

Chilean, Communist, & Author, wrote a beautiful poem about his compañeras in the struggle.

The Women of My Generation

"The women of my generation opened their rebel petals
Not of roses, camellias, orchids, or other plants
Of sad salons, bourgeois houses, age-old customs
But of yuyos wandering in the breeze.
Because the women of my generation flowered on the sidewalks,
In the factories they became the seamstresses of dreams,
In the union they organized love according to their wise criteria.
That is to say, said the women of my generation,
To each one according to her need and capacity for response:
As in the struggle we give knock for knock, in love we give kiss for kiss.
And in the Chilean, Argentine, or Uruguayan classrooms
They discovered the required knowledge for that glorious wisdom
Of the women of my generation.
Miniskirters in the flower of the seventies,
The women of my generation didn't hide even the shadows
Of their muscles, which were those of Tania,
Brought their high-caliber eroticism
To the hard paths of the date with death.
Because the women of my generation
Singing Summertime gave their breasts.
They drank heartily the wine of the living,
They answered every call
And they were dignity in defeat.
In the prisons they were called whores and weren't offended
Because they came from a forest of happy synonyms:
Minas, Grelas, Percantas, Cabritas, Minones, Gurisas, Garotas, Jevas,
Zipotas, Viejas, Chavalas, Señoritas
Until they themselves wrote the word Compañera
On every back and on the walls of all the hotels.
Because the women of my generation
Marked us with the indelible fire of their nails,
The universal truth of their rights.
They knew the prison and the beatings.
They inhabited a thousand countries and none.
They mourned their own dead and mine as if their own.
They gave heat to cold and desire to fatigue,
Taste to water and certain path to flame.
The women of my generation gave birth to eternal children.
Singing Summertime they gave their breasts.
They smoked marijuana when they rested.
They danced the best wine and drank the best melodies.
Because the women of my generation
Taught us that life does not offer itself in sips, compañeros,
But in gulps and to the bottom of consequences.
They were students, miners, union workers, laborers,
Artisans, actresses, guerillas, even mothers and lovers
In the free moments of the Resistance.
Because the women of my generation only respected the limits
That overcame every boundary.
Internationalists of affection, brigadiers of love,
commissioners of saying I love you, militants of caresses.
Between battles, the women of my generation gave everything
And said that it was hardly sufficient.
They were declared widows in Córdova and in Tlatelolco.
They were dressed in black at Puerto Montt and Sao Paulo,
And in Santiago, Buenos Aires, or Montevideo,
They were the only stars of the long clandestine night.
Their gray hairs are not gray hairs
But a way of being for the duty that awaits them.
The wrinkles that creep into their faces are saying,
I have laughed and I have wept and I would do it again.
The women of my generation
Have gained some kilos of reasons that stick to their bodies.
They move a bit more slowly, tired of waiting for us at the goal.
They write letters that inflame memories.
They remember banished aromas and they sing them.
Every day they invent words and with them they push us.
They name things and furnish the world for us.
They write truths in the sand and offer them to the sea.
They gather us and they stop us over the set table.
They say bread, work, justice, liberty
And prudence becomes shame.
The women of my generation are like the barricades:
They protect and inspire, give confidence and soften the edge of anger.
The women of my generation are like a closed fist
That protect with violence the tenderness of the world.
The women of my generation don't scream
Because they have defeated silence.
They are what marks us.
They are the identity of the century.
They: the rejected faith, the hidden lesson in a pamphlet,
The clandestine kiss, the return of all rights,
A tango in the serene loneliness of an airport,
A Gelman poem written on a napkin,
Benedetti shared in the planet of an umbrella,
The names of friends kept with sprigs of lavender,
Letters that make one kiss the postman,
The hands that hold portraits of my dead,
The simple elements of the days that terrify the tyrant,
The complex architecture of the dreams of your grandchildren.
They are everything and sustain everything,
Because everything comes on their step and arrives and surprises us.
There is no loneliness where they look
Nor forgetting while they sing.
They are intellectuals of instinct, instinct of reason,
Proof of strength for the strong and a loving vitamin for the weak.
They are this way, only they, unrepeatable, indispensable,
Suffering, battered, denied but unbeaten,
The women of my generation."

-Luis Sepúlveda, passed 16 April 2020

Translation by Adam Rossemblat