several days ago, i forgot to masturbate one evening as i should have, as per S.' instructions.

I sent her this text:

Dear S., i am late in reporting because i was late in completing my assignment. i had no good "excuse." i was alone at work from 7:30 to 8:00 responding to unimportant email and simply forgot. i realize that i have not only disobeyed You, but i have also created a bother for You. You were generous enough to take control of my/Your cock when i asked for it, it should not be a hassle for You. If there is any way to atone, please, would You tell me? i am so sorry. i apologize for not honoring Your good will towards me. Please forgive me.

And this was her reply:

is there a lesson learned for you? if yes, i want you to tell me when i see you later this week. until then stay aware and pay attention.


It was a relief to get the message, but also a feeling of being controlled and dominated and being put in my place - a feeling of being controlled by someone more thoughtful, and more powerful than me. She didn't need to punish to express her domination, her superiority. Instead she used the moment to teach me. i am so fucking lucky in every way.

i immediately focused in on the question about whether there was a lesson in it for me, [and only the next day realized i should have paid more attention to the whole message.]

However, for lessons all i could think of were trite things like I need to pay more attention, work harder etc.

i was glad that She had not told me to reply immediately but had instead gave me time to think.

And since i didn't think the immediate lessons that came to mind were any good, i thinking. i did feel there was something bigger going on that i was missing, but i couldn't immediately explain it.

So, i thought about what the contract represented, what Her instructions offered, what i was doing when i wasn't thinking about my assignment.

And that made me realize that i had been both selfish, and short-sighted.

When i should have been taking pains to remember my assignment, to remind myself, to take them seriously, to build the instructions into my daily calendar, into my daily life, i was instead being selfish and focusing inward on enjoying the feeling of submission.

it was short-sighted because S. had given me an opportunity to learn and grow by applying myself in submission to Her.

Her instructions were a gift that She had given me. And the clue was in the last part of Her message: "stay aware and pay attention." She had given me the gift of a daily practice, almost Buddhist like, to interact with the world in a mindful way, to ground my service to Her in something that also develops me.

It's almost spooky how mindful and thoughtful She is, how She is well ahead of me. Exactly the kind of woman to whom i should submit. She is my master.