after jerking off last night, i finally felt some relief. However, this morning, after wanking without cumming, i was back on the tension track.
The wanking itself was sublime. if only i could stay in that moment forever!
my trial of denial is feeling more like a grueling marathon, one that i am slowly grinding out till the end. the surges of eroticism that used to color my denial and fuel my spirit are far fewer and much milder.
my twice daily masturbation sessions are the two bright spots in my day - and they are amazing [often too amazing, as i still have to constantly stop wanking to keep from cumming!]. Being under the domination of S. is exactly where i want to be.
i'm not quite sure what is behind this shift. it could be that the burden gets heavier when the end is in sight. but when i imagine how i might manage if there were no expectation of relief in sight i quite panic.
It could be that the trial of frustration is dry and unsustaining when marked only by Her absence. but Her absence was even more absolute on her last trip, and the denial of that period was alternated by moments of near rapture even when not masturbating.
It could be that the length of the entire ordeal has finally touched upon the limit of my strength, and now i am weakening.
Perhaps it is all these things.
In any event, i do know with absolute certainty that i would not have it any other way. i am very proud of how i have responded to Her gift of domination. i feel as if i am in a state of grace.
a (very short) moment of peace
i used up my 2nd free pass last night, masturbating at night at home after seeing Mistress G. during the day.
it was such an incredible relief, an earth shuddering affair that instantly brought contentment down upon me, a feeling of peace that i haven't felt for a week. it even lasted till the next morning when i woke up. missing was the tension that has greeted me every morning for days now.
i jerked off while fantasizing about having my face buried in S.' pussy with G. fucking me in the ass from behind. it was an overwhelmingly powerful image. one that i had difficulty wanking to in the past because it seemed like an impossibility, but now....(!)
it was such an incredible relief, an earth shuddering affair that instantly brought contentment down upon me, a feeling of peace that i haven't felt for a week. it even lasted till the next morning when i woke up. missing was the tension that has greeted me every morning for days now.
i jerked off while fantasizing about having my face buried in S.' pussy with G. fucking me in the ass from behind. it was an overwhelmingly powerful image. one that i had difficulty wanking to in the past because it seemed like an impossibility, but now....(!)
evil Buddha
Masturbating this morning was so such a stop-and-start affair that it verged on the absurd.
Seriously fantasizing about anything now brings me to the point of orgasm within seconds. It's actually quite frustrating, as masturbating was one of the few times during the day when i could feel totally relaxed and peaceful. Now, i can't even enjoy masturbating!
however, unless something goes amiss, tomorrow i get to cum!
i want tomorrow so bad that i have to put it out of mind, or i find myself getting freaked out. There's nothing i can do to hurry it up. It's like some evil Buddhist practice to teach patience.
Seriously fantasizing about anything now brings me to the point of orgasm within seconds. It's actually quite frustrating, as masturbating was one of the few times during the day when i could feel totally relaxed and peaceful. Now, i can't even enjoy masturbating!
however, unless something goes amiss, tomorrow i get to cum!
i want tomorrow so bad that i have to put it out of mind, or i find myself getting freaked out. There's nothing i can do to hurry it up. It's like some evil Buddhist practice to teach patience.
tomorrow (!)
The experience of the last couple of days have once again been that dynamic mix of frustration alternating with erotic pleasure.
Although i still have "two-free passes" to use Her cock with another woman in the final days of Our/our contract while She is traveling, i still don't expect to have any opportunity to use them, unless perhaps something happens with Mistress G.
However, i am carefully hoarding the three opportunities i still have to cum while masturbating.
I am scheduled to see Mistress G. tomorrow, as she has agreed to inspect my ass, which she has been slowly training for almost a week now.
If "something happens" with her tomorrow, that will be great. But if not, i am going to spend one of my masturbation opportunities. Either way, i am busting at the seams to get to tomorrow!
Although i still have "two-free passes" to use Her cock with another woman in the final days of Our/our contract while She is traveling, i still don't expect to have any opportunity to use them, unless perhaps something happens with Mistress G.
However, i am carefully hoarding the three opportunities i still have to cum while masturbating.
I am scheduled to see Mistress G. tomorrow, as she has agreed to inspect my ass, which she has been slowly training for almost a week now.
If "something happens" with her tomorrow, that will be great. But if not, i am going to spend one of my masturbation opportunities. Either way, i am busting at the seams to get to tomorrow!
one question without an answer
It's now getting close to the end of my contract with S. And i find that going without cumming is getting even harder!
i suspect it's a little bit like running to the bathroom. The closer you get to the bathroom, the worse it seems until you almost wet yourself, when just two minutes ago it was possible to hold it.
Having the end in sight makes the on-going denial even harder to endure.
However, i've also realized that having a time-limited contract made the suffering in the beginning a lot easier to endure. It's like running in a short race, you can take up a hard pace, but only because you know the end isn't far off. If you're running a marathon, you can't jump out of the gate like a jackrabbit, and you certainly can't carry a load.
i had originally suggested a time-limited contract to S. because i thought that She might be more willing to take me on as Her submissive on a trial basis. However, i see now that i benefited from a short contract more than i could have imagined!
At times the suffering has been pretty dramatic (as recorded here by yours truly), and i wonder what would have happened if i had thought that there was no end in sight? What would my reaction have been?
i'm sure that, in part, i would have been even more turned on. The connection between suffering and sexual pleasure is pretty strong for me, and i'm sure that the prospect of enduring suffering would itself have inflicted suffering up on me.
However, how strong am i? How much suffering and sexual pleasure can i take before i can no longer hold the tension between the two? I think this is one question to which i'd rather not know the answer!
i suspect it's a little bit like running to the bathroom. The closer you get to the bathroom, the worse it seems until you almost wet yourself, when just two minutes ago it was possible to hold it.
Having the end in sight makes the on-going denial even harder to endure.
However, i've also realized that having a time-limited contract made the suffering in the beginning a lot easier to endure. It's like running in a short race, you can take up a hard pace, but only because you know the end isn't far off. If you're running a marathon, you can't jump out of the gate like a jackrabbit, and you certainly can't carry a load.
i had originally suggested a time-limited contract to S. because i thought that She might be more willing to take me on as Her submissive on a trial basis. However, i see now that i benefited from a short contract more than i could have imagined!
At times the suffering has been pretty dramatic (as recorded here by yours truly), and i wonder what would have happened if i had thought that there was no end in sight? What would my reaction have been?
i'm sure that, in part, i would have been even more turned on. The connection between suffering and sexual pleasure is pretty strong for me, and i'm sure that the prospect of enduring suffering would itself have inflicted suffering up on me.
However, how strong am i? How much suffering and sexual pleasure can i take before i can no longer hold the tension between the two? I think this is one question to which i'd rather not know the answer!
one down, three to go
i went out last night with K. to help her celebrate her birthday. i was hoping she would want to play with me, and we did kiss a bit while out on the town. but when all was said and done she was uncomfortable doing more.
Before She left town S. gave me two limited exemptions to Her general rule that i am not allowed to have sex with other women and in particular not allowed to use Her cock. One of the limitations is that i can only use Her cock for two hours each time. This rule raised all kinds of questions for me (such as: am i allowed to continue to have sex, but without the use of Her cock, when the two hours is up?)
From some other things S. mentioned before She left, i thought that i might get more instructions and hoped that those instructions might clarify things. But while i did receive further instructions from Her, none of them were directly about my conduct with other women.
i wrote Her an email, not expecting a reply since She is off on her adventure, but just in case. And i wrote out how i follow Her rules, hoping to get validation or clarification. But that did not happen.
[but today i did get an email from Her!!!! it was extremely short. She was just checking to make sure that i was all right with everything. I assured that i was sexually suffering, and that in turn made me feel wonderful.]
Anyways, K. has recently started seeing a lover who lives in San Diego. It's a very new relationship, and very undefined, and he's several hundred miles away. The first time K. and i kissed last night, i could tell something was up. So i asked her about it, and she admitted to just figuring things out in the moment. We agreed to play things by ear that night. In the event, by the end of the evening, she found that she was not comfortable doing anything more.
So home i went and exercised one of my four options to cum while masturbating that S. has granted me while she is away.
i have three orgasms left, but there are twelve days left in the contract. so i will have to carefully ration them!!
i still have my two free passes to play with another woman, but with K. not available, i'm not sure who i might hook up with. There's a good chance that masturbating will be the whole of my sex life for the foreseeable future!
Before She left town S. gave me two limited exemptions to Her general rule that i am not allowed to have sex with other women and in particular not allowed to use Her cock. One of the limitations is that i can only use Her cock for two hours each time. This rule raised all kinds of questions for me (such as: am i allowed to continue to have sex, but without the use of Her cock, when the two hours is up?)
From some other things S. mentioned before She left, i thought that i might get more instructions and hoped that those instructions might clarify things. But while i did receive further instructions from Her, none of them were directly about my conduct with other women.
i wrote Her an email, not expecting a reply since She is off on her adventure, but just in case. And i wrote out how i follow Her rules, hoping to get validation or clarification. But that did not happen.
[but today i did get an email from Her!!!! it was extremely short. She was just checking to make sure that i was all right with everything. I assured that i was sexually suffering, and that in turn made me feel wonderful.]
Anyways, K. has recently started seeing a lover who lives in San Diego. It's a very new relationship, and very undefined, and he's several hundred miles away. The first time K. and i kissed last night, i could tell something was up. So i asked her about it, and she admitted to just figuring things out in the moment. We agreed to play things by ear that night. In the event, by the end of the evening, she found that she was not comfortable doing anything more.
So home i went and exercised one of my four options to cum while masturbating that S. has granted me while she is away.
i have three orgasms left, but there are twelve days left in the contract. so i will have to carefully ration them!!
i still have my two free passes to play with another woman, but with K. not available, i'm not sure who i might hook up with. There's a good chance that masturbating will be the whole of my sex life for the foreseeable future!
vacation rules
It's been several days since i've journaled, so there is a bit to catch up on. A few of those days i spent with Her almost 24/7. Since this blog is written for Her, i won't record much about those days
The day before yesterday, She left to go on a 2-week vacation overseas and won't return to the until the end of the month, (right at the same time as Our/our 3-month contract expires). Just a few days before She returns, i will leave the country for two-week work trip. So, a whole month will pass before i have any chance of seeing Her again, and i suspect that it is likely i may not hear from Her at all while She is traveling.
When i was with Her for those two days, it was close to my perfect fantasy - one of those "jesus take me now" moments.
So, of course, returning to my every day reality of daily masturbation and denial was, to say the least, a huge shock. The "upside" is that i am so highly sexed that, as before, masturbation is itself an erotic drama. i cannot wank but for a few seconds before i have to stop in order to keep from cumming.
Just before She left the country, i received a couple of emails from Her.
One said, in part:
"The schedule of twice a day for 15 min w.out cumming is to continue. However you are going to exercise the option to CUM 4 times in my absences in the next 2 wks (end of contract). You are allowed to be in the company of a woman you already know when CUMMing - hold it. Only one of the 4 events shall qualify for this bonus time."
She is, of course, referring to the masturbation schedule She has had me on for close to 2 months now.
i also received a message from Her directing me to take instructions from Her friend and lover G. [yep, a lot has happened].
And here, in part, is a messages i received from G.
"I want you to start massaging your ass hole for the next two days with just gentle penetration and lube around the opening with one finger. During that time I want you to fantasize about the first time you were successfully fucked in the ass and how good it felt. At the same time, I want you stroking your cock. You will not insert your entire finger into your ass no matter how much you want to do it as you fantasize - your job is to relax your sphincter muscles and create a strong mental desire to be ass fucked."
"For your training to be a success, eventually, I want either me or [S.] to be able to fuck you in the ass and have you cum without stroking your cock. I want the mere act of ass fucking make you cum. This is the ultimate goal. I will help you get there. For now, we must start you slowly and retrain you."
There is even more to report, but i will record that in a later post.
For now, i will say that i couldn't be happier!
The day before yesterday, She left to go on a 2-week vacation overseas and won't return to the until the end of the month, (right at the same time as Our/our 3-month contract expires). Just a few days before She returns, i will leave the country for two-week work trip. So, a whole month will pass before i have any chance of seeing Her again, and i suspect that it is likely i may not hear from Her at all while She is traveling.
When i was with Her for those two days, it was close to my perfect fantasy - one of those "jesus take me now" moments.
So, of course, returning to my every day reality of daily masturbation and denial was, to say the least, a huge shock. The "upside" is that i am so highly sexed that, as before, masturbation is itself an erotic drama. i cannot wank but for a few seconds before i have to stop in order to keep from cumming.
Just before She left the country, i received a couple of emails from Her.
One said, in part:
"The schedule of twice a day for 15 min w.out cumming is to continue. However you are going to exercise the option to CUM 4 times in my absences in the next 2 wks (end of contract). You are allowed to be in the company of a woman you already know when CUMMing - hold it. Only one of the 4 events shall qualify for this bonus time."
She is, of course, referring to the masturbation schedule She has had me on for close to 2 months now.
i also received a message from Her directing me to take instructions from Her friend and lover G. [yep, a lot has happened].
And here, in part, is a messages i received from G.
"I want you to start massaging your ass hole for the next two days with just gentle penetration and lube around the opening with one finger. During that time I want you to fantasize about the first time you were successfully fucked in the ass and how good it felt. At the same time, I want you stroking your cock. You will not insert your entire finger into your ass no matter how much you want to do it as you fantasize - your job is to relax your sphincter muscles and create a strong mental desire to be ass fucked."
"For your training to be a success, eventually, I want either me or [S.] to be able to fuck you in the ass and have you cum without stroking your cock. I want the mere act of ass fucking make you cum. This is the ultimate goal. I will help you get there. For now, we must start you slowly and retrain you."
There is even more to report, but i will record that in a later post.
For now, i will say that i couldn't be happier!
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