a "missed opportunity"

Tonight I'm having dinner with a woman I started dating about two months ago after we met on OKCupid.

Her name also starts with S., so that may create confusion here given all my posts years back about S.  But since no one is actually reading this blog, it won't matter.  ; )

After I had been dating S. for about six weeks I left town for a 3-week trip to Europe, mostly for work but also to meet up with a friend who lives over there.  The timing was not the best, but I had planned the trip months back.  

The trip turned out be extremely intense (in good way) and I spent those three weeks very focused on the moment, and when I returned I was feeling a bit disconnected and badly jet-lagged.  And I was a bit worried about how things would pick up again with S.

In the event, our first night back together was wonderful and we picked up right where we had left off.  Except one thing was different....

During our time together before I left for Europe, sex with her had been almost entirely about me servicing her, almost all through oral sex.  That's how thing started from Day 1.

By the time I left for Europe I had only gotten to cum once with her, when she gave me a hand job.  

Of course with that kind of start, she was very curious about what was going on. In response I was pretty open about being submissive and preferring to serve.  All this didn't come out in just one conversation, partly because I didn't want to scare her off.  But come out it did.

Much to my surprise, it turned out that she was more happy to accept me that way and was interested in exploring taking up a dominant role - something she had never done before and really hadn't even thought of.  Still we only took very small steps in that direction.

Fast forward to my first night with her after I got back from Europe: I spent a long time going down on her.  (my favorite part was when she pushed me down and rode my face.)  

Then to my surprise, after she had cum and was very satisfied, she told me that she wanted me to have an orgasm.  I think she was taking care of me, knowing how hard my trip to Europe had been.  Of course, I should have said something like "thank you, how would you like me to cum?"  But I was an idiot, and I didn't say that.

Instead I told her that I would like to go down on her again.  

Dear Reader, if at this point you are saying "topping from the bottom!" you are correct.

However, she didn't say anything in that moment but consented. I went back down on her again.  After a while she was exhausted, had me stop, and we went to sleep cuddled together.

However, later that night I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep (jet lag).  To make matters worse I started thinking about what I did, and I realized how bad it was.  Here I was - six weeks into a new relationship and talking about my desire for a female-led relationship - yet when she tells me very directly what she wants  I respond with what I want, and I push for that, even though that for which she was asking would have been so insanely easy for me to do.    

I realized that I wasn't going to be able to get back to sleep. And I knew how important it was to get back onto a regular sleep schedule.  So, I took a risk and gently got out of bed to go to the bathroom (trying not to wake her), thinking that would help me sleep.  

However, she woke up and went to the bathroom, too.  

As we both cuddled back into bed, I asked her if i could talk to her.  She said yes, and I apologized for what had happened and acknowledged that I can't have it both ways: asking her to lead and then leading myself.  She was very gracious about it and accepted my apology.  And we both immediately went back to sleep.

However, the next morning I was still feeling bad.  After I got everything ready to leave for the day, I asked if I could talk to her and she said yes.  

We were in the bedroom and she sat down on the bed facing me.  There was no chair in the bedroom for me to sit in. Yet sitting next to her on the bed seemed a bit odd, as then we would not be facing each other.  

So I sank down to my knees in front of her. I was a bit worried that would come off too strong. But she immediately reached out her legs to draw me in tight and then put her feet down on the backs of my calves (which were extended out behind me as I was kneeling facing her) and gently pinned me in place (!).  

To make a long story a little bit shorter, I apologized again, in more detail.  And this time she responded a bit more.  

She told me something like.  "I know that you're feeling a bad about what you did.  But mistakes happen in all relationships especially in the beginning.  It's no big deal." 

I was so relieved to hear this, and I so happy to be talking openly about all this, that perhaps I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have when she went on to say something like "I would have thought you might be feeling bad because that was a missed opportunity."

In the moment I didn't clock the possible meaning of those words.  We had never discussed how often I might have an orgasm when i was with her.  And, later, when I thought back to that conversation and her words, a chill ran down my back as I realized that when I am with her I might be cumming only very rarely.

As of right now, I still don't know.  But I might learn more tonight.

Fast forward

Not that anyone is reading this blog, but for the record, my long absence here is because I started blogging on Tumblr several years back. I'm returning here only because of the Great Purge which ruined a really beautiful thing on Tumblr.

I am particularly interested in the intersection of porn, BDSM, and politics. And for that, I found Tumblr to be pitch perfect. The nature of Tumblr allowed me to follow and share with different communities, and that was incredibly inspiring. The Tumblr format and the vast size and variation of the Tumblr community made for an amazingly rich experience that encouraged sharing across topics that generated many new ideas for me.

Unfortunately, the existing alternatives to Tumblr either ban porn/BDSM (e.g. Twitter); or they are narrowly focused on just porn/BDSM (e.g Bdsmlr); or they have tiny followings (e.g. newTumbl); or the content is, frankly, mostly uninspiring (e.g. Reddit).

Because of the Great Purge and Ban, my blog on Tumblr is now extremely difficult to access. So, I'm returning here for now.

I might import over my original writings so at least those are accessible and to archive them here in case Tumblr erases my blog altogether.

being grateful

I met up with S. again last week. We met for drinks, after which I walked her home and she invited me inside. Our relationship has been a long saga, an on-again, off-again affair spanning seven years now. However, we have only met up four times in the last year. There is much love between us - in fact I’m pretty sure we will always love each other and will always be there for each other as friends. But a year ago, she finally drew a line on how far our romance can go (in part perhaps because I pushed for more). And now, for the last year we have only met up because I reached out to her.

For while now, I have assumed nothing and carried no expectations when we do meet up. However, for most of our seven years we have had a domme/sub relationship between the sheets, and over the last year we have talked about a FLR. While those words are uncomfortable for her - as she has pointed out - the practice is not - as she has also acknowledged. She prefers to meet and catch -up on equal terms, but we always shift to a soft dominant/submissive pattern when we move into a physical/sexual mode.

Anyhoo, last week I gave her a back massage which followed by me going down on her, for a long time. Finally she pushed me away and we shifted into spooning, drifting towards sleep.

Usually our pattern is to go to sleep. We haven’t had intercourse in years, and she hasn’t touched my cock (except maybe to play with it when caged) in even longer. On occasion, sometimes when I have been cleaning for her, she will let me jerk off while kneeling, usually in the bathroom and she has me lick it up.

However, this time I asked her, before she fell asleep, if I could jerk off. She was quiet for a very short moment, as if thinking, and then said “OK, but don’t get the sheets messy, don’t get anything on the sheets. I am the only person who can do that.” So, I quietly masturbated, being careful to catch the cum in hands. I slid out of bed and washed my hands and then slid back in, spooning against her and we went to sleep. All pretty much without saying a word.

In the morning, after waking up and while lying in bed next to her, I thought to myself that I should have thanked her for allowing me to jerk off, and confessed as much to her. She replied, “That’s OK. As long as you are truly grateful and as long as you express it.”

a year later...

A LOT has happened in the last 18 or so months.

My relationship with S. has been an on-again, off-again affair, sometimes it has been explicitly and wholly defined on dominant/submissive terms. Sometimes not.

Most recently the whiplash was pretty severe.

However, I am extremely happy to report that, as of this moment, our relationship is back-on, and appears to more fully and firmly organized as a dom/submissive affair than ever before.

If I find the time, I might fill-in the events of the last year, but given how crazy busy life is that, that seems unlikely.

Still, I wanted to celebrate the recent turn of events (without jinxing things, knock on wood!)

So, below, you can find the instructions I just received from S. for this upcoming Sunday. It's a little dry, as reading goes, but that's real life for a submissive. : )

S. is going out of town this coming Sunday afternoon and will be gone for a couple days. So i'm to arrive by 1:30PM. She will leave by 2:00 PM and, apparently, the rest of my day will be spent cleaning her flat:

Cleaning November 16, 2014
Living & Dining Rooms:
1) Very Light Vacuum
a) Avoid carpet Fringes (Living rm. carpet is old and threads are disintegrating)
2) Dust:
a) lamp shades with VERY Clean / Unused Dry Cloth.
3) Clean Floor: Water and Mild soap
4) Dining Room table: Light Dust

Guest Bathroom:
1. General Cleaning, sink, toilet, floor
Kitchen:
1. Clean (sweep, mop) Floor
2. Empty Dishwasher
3. No Need to take Garbage out
4. Flowers: change water, trim

Hallways:
1. Vacuum/mop Floor

Sxxxxx’s Bed and Bath room:
1. Floor: Vacuum, and Mop
2. Dust
3. Bathroom: General Cleaning - Will give special instructions for shower stall.
Included in Next Cleaning Session: (Date:TBD)
● Kitchen counters, ALL surfaces cleaned w. soft and scrub
● Dust: Book shelves ( Library)
● Dust the dining room cabinet
● Stella Bathroom Sliding Glass door including the all the railings etc.
● Office Glass cabinets
● Sweep Two fireplaces

IN General:
➢ Be on Time
➢ Dress Appropriately as instructed for each session,
➢ Do not do anything I have not asked you to do,
➢ No use of Clorox,
➢ Wood Surfaces: Floor, furniture, etc: Wipe Well but Do Not scrub,
➢ No Garbage Removal,
➢ No watering Plants,
➢ Contact me for emergencies only
➢ Any questions, ask in advance

---

After looking over this list, I do think I have one question. I have not received any instructions on how to dress for this session. I need to ask her.

And, as I think about it, "session" is a term that I don't think S. has used before.

And while I've cleaned for her several times before (even one time while she was out on a date), this will be the first time she has put me into service with almost no direct personal interaction - beyond being there when I start, she won't be there at all.

This is the first time she has given me a list like this, and the list is much longer than anything I've done for her before - but she knows other dommes have worked me hard like this - in particular her friend G.

This is also the first time she has taken such a direct, firm and formal tone with me.

Crossing my fingers that all this is indicative of the future.

how it doesn't work

The "indefinite" extension of my contract with S. caught me by surprise. And now i have a complicated date coming up.

Long-time readers of this blog (of which there are none!) know that my contracts with S. have been far and few between. And even then they have been short-term, one-time things. S. has a very busy life, and while She counts me as a good friend and loved one, and has told me as much, Our/our paths don't overlap very often.

So, when She agreed to this last contract and set it at 10 days, i thought that 10 days would be the end of it. Obviously, i was wrong.

For the last couple of years i have very much been on the hunt for a regular lover/friend, someone i would be with regularly, week in and week out, meet after work regularly, travel with, make plans with, (and, yes, have frequent sex together): a "secondary" in poly lingo. This is important to me, and recently i have re-doubled my efforts, trying to meet as many people as possible (and have gone on a helluva a lot of OKCupid dates as a result).

Ironically, it was how my relationship with S. evolved that put me onto this course. Being with Her made me understand how much i need another partner in my life and how much i wanted it to be S., but it also made me understand that it can not be S. For a while i was quite heartbroken about it. however, i moved on emotionally and managed not to fuck up my relationship with S. in doing so. and i feel that i'm now in a good place with S.

Another lesson that being with S. taught me was that i should be dating people who are in the same boat as me, i.e. they have a primary and can commit to a secondary in their life. So, my OKCupid dates have been almost exclusively with partnered/poly women.

i recently had a date with one such woman, L. i like her, and it seems like there is the possibility for something serious. One never knows, but it seems like the possibility is as much as one could reasonably glean from a first date. And now we have a second date set up this coming Thursday.

The last time i was in a similar situation, with C., i told C. about my contract with S., but the situation with L. is definitely different. we are clearly sizing each other up with the idea the cards might hold more than a NSA arrangement. At the same time neither of us have "laid our kink cards on the table," as Dan Savage would say.

Yesterday i got an email from S., giving me new instructions. [see whole thread below]. i responded, and i asked Her for direction about what to tell L. S. replied but She did not tell me what to do. Nor did She ask me any questions. But She did remind me of a couple things including: "I remain solid in my intention of not impacting your life and relationships negatively."

It's only a 2nd date with L. so i don't want to make big deal about it. But i do think that, if i tell L., now, about my contract with S., it's possible that it could impact things "negatively" with L. It's also possible that it would not. Hell, it's possible it would be a positive. i just don't know. Also, it's not impossible that, this being a 2nd date, that L. might want to hook up. And i definitely don't want to lie to her about why i could not do that.

So, i think this my only course of action: go on the date. but say nothing, as that could impact things negatively. If L. pursues a hook-up, don't resist, because i know S. would not want me to lie to L, but i would know that i am breaking my contract with S.

And i have to tell all this to S. before hand.

an aside: i've wondered if the "indefinite" extension with S. signals a change in Her path and how i might integrate in Her life. i need to ask Her. but i don't think there has been a significant change. Even while making my contract "indefinite," She said it could be "a month or a week or a day." No hint of long-term in that. There have also been other clues: She recently passed on an opportunity to travel together in Germany. She had a family conflict, so i can't make too much of that, but even so She is not going to travel with me. During this contract there has not been very much time spent together (much like the past contracts). i know She is actively dating. And She has given me no other indication that her path has changed. And for my part, my knowledge hasn't changed that i should not be trying to make something "big and serious" happen with someone who is single and looking for a primary partner of Her own.

if/when this contract ends, and if/when i'm lucky enough to ask for another contract with S., i don't think i can ask for a contract if i'm seeing/talking with anyone else that has any possibility of being anything other than a NSA arrangement. Even telling S. upfront about who i am seeing (as i did this last time around) doesn't prevent the possibility that the contract would conflict. S. does not want to come between me anything else serious in my life, and for my part i don't want to be in the position of breaking a contract with S. as i am now. : (

Finally, i have to stop writing this post. i have to get back to work. S. would definitely not be happy if blogging about all this distracts me from my job!


> From: S.
> To: h
> Sent: Monday, June 3, 2013 5:57 PM
> Subject: Your assignment
>
> My dear h, Are you used to the idea of "being indefinite surrounded" yet?
> You have a temporary relief of duties for 48 hrs. Starting tomorrow ( Tuesday June 4th) 6 pm.
> This means that you will be back to your schedule of 6-8 pm, Thursday afternoon. Understood?
> S.
> Sent from my iPad


> Dear S.,
>
> Thank you for this relief.
>
> i am definitely not used to the idea yet, but i think that learning to deal with the tension/frustration is part of the submission. : )
>
> i wanted to ask you about my date with L. this coming Thursday. i mentioned my date with her to You just over a week ago. On Friday You asked me if i was going to see C. this week - and i told you no - but maybe You were thinking about L.?
>
> Anyways, this would be my 2nd date with L. And i have told her about You, quite a lot actually. : ) However, i have not told her about my current indefinite contract.
>
> i don't know that she would initiate anything this Thursday, but she might. And even if she didn't, it seems like i should tell her about the contract. i'm not sure how she will react. but i want to know how You would like me to handle it since You would be a big part of the story.
>
> : )
>
> Yours,
>
> h
>
>

From: S.
To: h
Sent: Monday, June 3, 2013 10:22 PM
Subject: Re: Your assignment

>Watch What You Ask For!
>Yes indeed, this is a package that comes with love, attention, and much much frustration!

>Just a reminder that the following important aspects of our contract have remained unchanged:
>1. I remain solid in my intention of not impacting your life and relationships negatively,
>2. I see you (not me) responsible in judging the impact of your actions
>3. you must be honest with me about your relationships and what you are doing with MY COCK.

>so, having said all this, you need to decide for yourself what you want to say and do with L. on Thursday :-)

>Let me know if you want to discuss this further and that this is creating more frustration for you!

>S.

continuation for now

S. met me for lunch today - to give me a big bag of toys for the puppy my family is getting tomorrow (big day!).

They are all new(ish) toys that Her dog isn't using because he plays only with his favorites. Classic, thoughtful S.

We/we then went out to coffee, and after that She directed Us/us to my office were i massaged Her feet and We/we talked for a bit.

She asked me how i was doing with the masturbation restriction and i let her know it was hard at times. i would otherwise be masturbating 2-3 times a day most days. but i also told her that i wanted to learn to redirect and use the energy/tension that was being created by the daily denial.

i know it's crazy to say it is "hard" to "only" masturbate once a day, but there it is. i know that many others whose cocks are also controlled go much longer, insanely long. and i could see how going without for a long while could actually be better but ONLY after becoming "acclimated" to the reality. Being allowed to cum once a day means i spend the whole day looking forward to it, building tension. however, the "getting acclimated" part could be even worse...

She questioned me further asking specifically if it was disrupting my life/work. And i had to answer no. If She wasn't controlling my cock i would easily be spending an hour or two masturbating on most days. So, even allowing for negative impact of the tension, i really can't say it's a disruption in my life. And if i learned to redirect the energy, i would actually be much better off altogether.

Anyhoo, after hearing all this, She told me the contract would continue to continue. And that as a reward for massaging Her feet this afternoon, i would be allowed to jerk off and cum early tomorrow morning (in addition to my regular evening opportunity)!

Besides redirecting the tension as energy into other things (like frequent blogging!), i want to learn how to better translate the tension/frustration as an expression of Her control. When i consciously think of the frustration that way, the experience changes and i feel much better (and Her cock gets hard). So i think the more i practice that conscious re-orientation, the more it can become an automatic unconscious orientation.